


Never Knew I Needed You

by twisting_vine_x



Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: (turns out that neither of them really knows how to handle affection, Affection, Anal Sex, Body Worship, Canon mental health issues, Canon-Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Fighting, Flirting, Hurt/Comfort, Kurogane!POV, Learning To Communicate, Lovebites, M/M, Making Out, Oral Sex, Romance, Slow Burn, Yama Country, also some issues with intimacy, bed sharing, both in general and in bed), both of them think their feelings are unrequited, yeeeah there’s definitely a good bit of that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-06
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-05-05 06:18:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 70,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5364611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twisting_vine_x/pseuds/twisting_vine_x
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“So, Kuro-rin. It seems that we’ll be traveling together.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>The words are soft, barely audible, even in the quiet room; but Kurogane still feels his teeth grind together.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Don’t call me that.”</i>
</p><p>- - -</p><p>Basically, the one where Kurogane is angry and lonely and so far from home, and Fai pretty much just hates himself; and they agree on something casual, since they both really need the distraction, and since they’re going to be traveling together, anyway. </p><p>In other words, the one where they’re not supposed to fall in love, and then they really, really do.</p><p>(A/N: This is essentially me trying to write a world-by-world story [spanning all the way from Hanshin to Piffle] on how these two darlings could get together.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hanshin

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so glad to finally be part of this fandom. <3

“So, Kuro-rin. It seems that we’ll be traveling together.”

The words are soft, barely audible, even in the quiet room; but Kurogane still feels his teeth grind together.

“Don’t call me that.”

It’s already starting to feel like a reflexive response. He should really just shut up about it instead. He’s pretty sure that the mage is just going to feed on any response Kurogane gives him.

And when Fai hums in a way that sounds amused, Kurogane tries to take a calming breath.

It’s just the two of them, in this too-small room. The little white bun thing had ended up bunking down with the kids, instead. Which means that there’s no distraction from the way the mage has rolled onto his stomach and is smiling at Kurogane, his eyes far too bright in the dimly lit room. Kurogane has been doing his best to just glare at the ceiling, but Fai’s propped up on his elbows in the bed beside him, still smiling at him; and damned if Kurogane’s skin isn’t starting to heat.

Just what he needs. To be traveling with some twitchy, smiley, weird little mage who already seems determined to wiggle his way into Kurogane’s life. Or at least into his pants. That much, Kurogane’s pretty sure of. There’s nothing innocent about the way Fai smiles at him when Kurogane finally rolls on to his side to look at him, trying to ignore just how soft the mage’s lips look.

“Quit staring at me.”

“But we’re travel companions now, Kuro-rin. We might as well at least get to know each other.”

Fucking _hell._

Fai’s propped himself up on his elbows, lying on his stomach with his chin in his hands as he smiles at Kurogane; and Kurogane’s honestly not sure whether he wants to kiss him or hit him.

How the fuck is he supposed to travel with this guy?

“Yeah, well, I didn’t ask for this, and I’m not looking for a friend, so why don’t you –”

“Funny, that. Neither am I.”

It’s deceptively casual sounding, even as Fai raises one of his hands and smiles as he brushes some hair out of his face; and Kurogane can’t deny the way his heart’s starting to beat too hard.

What the hell is wrong with him, though? He doesn’t _do_ this. It’s been years since he even wanted someone. Longer still since he acted on it. And he’s known this man for all of a _day._

“If this is you trying to get to know me, you might as well just drop it.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. So, just –”

“Of course, Kuro-tan. Wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

He’s still smiling at Kurogane, though. That same damnable smile that he always seems to have.

And Kurogane is too _tired_ for this shit.

“There’s something wrong with you, you know that?”

It’s barely a growl – he’s _so_ fucking tired – and he almost misses it. The way Fai’s smile slips, for a second. Kurogane knows that he’s the one staring, now, as Fai just shrugs and smiles again.

“Just trying to have a conversation, Kuro-sama –”

“Mage, I swear –”

“I _mean_ it. We’re stuck with each other now. We might as well make the best of it, hmm?”

“There’s no making the best of it. I’m going home. As soon as I can –”

“Well, as much as I admire your indomitable spirit –”

“Oh, and why the hell are _you_ here, then? What the fuck’s got you so scared that you never want to go home?”

Because Kurogane is so, _so_ far from home, now. He’s so, _so_ far away, and he’s stranded, and he just wants to go home. He would give _anything_ to not be here. What is wrong with this mage?

“Hmm, maybe that’s not quite your concern, Kuro-pon. Though, I’m sure we can find some other mutually agreeable conversation topics, if –”

“If this is your idea of trying to get in my pants, you really are doing a shit job of it.”

He makes his own face burn, just saying it; but he might as well be blunt. He’s pretty sure that he’s talking to someone who’d be able to dance his way out of just about any conversation.

And he’s not expecting the way Fai seems to still, just for a second, before his smile creeps up even more, and he pushes himself up a bit higher on his elbows, his eyes still fixed on Kurogane.

“And here I thought you’d just ignore me.”

“We’re traveling together. How the hell am I supposed to –”

“Do you want me to stop? Say the word, and I’ll give it up. No point in trying to seduce someone who doesn’t want to be –”

“You – you’re not _seducing_ me –”

“Not yet, I’m not. If you want me to try, though, I will. Or I’ll stop. Either way, it’s your call.”

He grins at him, again, as he says it; and Kurogane ends up just kind of staring at him.

There is something _seriously_ off about this man. Something that Kurogane would guess goes a lot deeper than some blatant flirting and that casual cheerfulness that he seems to have draped over him. Kurogane might know nothing about this man’s past, but he’s pretty sure it’s not good.

And he’s not sure why he’s _interested._

Sure, Fai’s attractive. He’s ridiculously pale and his lips and eyes should be illegal. And Kurogane’s self-aware enough to admit that the size difference between them is kind of hot, too.

But Kurogane doesn’t _do_ casual. And certainly not with someone who he’s been forced to travel with.

But maybe that’s part of it, though. Kurogane – well. His world’s just been turned upside down. Maybe that’s why he’s considering this. It’s certainly not something he would usually do.

And Fai’s still just waiting. Watching him with a grin, and giving him time. It’s oddly endearing, as much as also makes Kurogane want to cuff him. Does this mage do anything but smile?

“You just want to hear me say it out loud.”

He sounds horribly raspy, suddenly. _Shit,_ it’s been a long time since someone looked at him like that.

“Hmm, say what, Kuro-rin?”

“That I want you. If this is some weird power trip –”

“You wound me, you know. I genuinely meant it. Tell me to piss off, and I’ll never bring it up again.”

He’s still smiling – of _course_ he is – and he tilts his head, a bit, like he’s waiting to let Kurogane think it through; and Kurogane only realizes that the silence is stretching when Fai finally shrugs, his eyes dropping down in a way that looks so damn casual it can’t be anything but calculated.

“Maybe I’m looking for a distraction. Like you said, I’m obviously running from something –”

“Don’t – stop trying to _manipulate_ me, you –”

“I wasn’t, actually. That was me being honest.”

He’s still smiling, when he gets his eyes up; and… Kurogane has no idea what to make of that.

And maybe he lets the silence stretch too long, because Fai shrugs, his smile not dimming in the least as he rolls back onto his back and tucks his hands behind his head, not looking at him.

“No worries, then, Kuro-sama. Talk in the morning, hmm? Sweet dreams, and all that.”

It’s still deceptively casual – and Kurogane knows what it means to hide every day; he knows someone else’s armour when he sees it – and Kurogane feels his teeth grind, his skin prickling.

He’s not doing this.

The man lying beside him is a disaster waiting to happen, and Kurogane’s already got enough to worry about. Mainly the fact that, a day ago, he was home. And now… now he’s here.

Wherever the fuck here is.

Why did Tomoyo send him away, anyway? And what kind of curse is that? That he’ll weaken with every life he takes… how the fuck is he supposed to keep himself safe if he can’t fight properly? All he’s ever _done_ is fight. It’s what’s he’s good for. It’s kept him going all this time.

Why, why did she send him away?

“Say, Kuro-pon –"

“I’m trying to _sleep.”_

It’s sharper than he’d meant it to be, and Kurogane instantly wants to kick himself. Because this isn’t Fai’s fault. Whatever brought Fai here, it’s got nothing to do with Kurogane. And he’s just opened his mouth to apologize when Fai snorts and rolls onto his side, putting his back to him.

“Well, never mind, then. I’ll let your grumpy self sleep, so –”

“Sorry, sorry, I’m just – I’m tired, okay?”

“Tired and _crabby,_ more like.”

_“Mage –”_

“Hmm? Oh, right. I just wanted to double-check something with you, if that’s okay with –”

“Look, if you don’t get to the point in the next five seconds –”

“You never said yes or no to me seducing you, you know. And, well - I'd really rather not make this uncomfortable, if you're not actually interested.”

It’s still soft and easy, and he’s still got his back to Kurogane, and Kurogane’s glad for it, when his face flushes, even as a wave of… something flows through him. Something that feels like grudging respect, maybe. Because – alright, fine, then. So, Fai’s oddly decent, somehow. Flighty, damaged, persistent, and oddly decent. Maybe Kurogane hadn’t quite seen the last one coming.

And he’s apparently interested in Kurogane, too. What a disaster.

“I – look, I’m not –”

“An, ‘I need to think about it,’ works, too, of course. But I’m not going to push this if you’d rather I didn’t –”

“Well, which answer is it that will get you to shut the fuck and let me sleep? Because –”

“Any of them work just fine, Kuro-sama.”

He shrugs as he says it – Kurogane can see the movement of his slim shoulders – and he makes himself stop staring as he sucks in a breath, something inside him suddenly flaring way too hot.

Because he _wants_ this. Whatever the fuck this is.

He’s worlds from home, and Fai is gorgeous. He’d be a fool to turn this down, no matter how irritating the mage is. That, and maybe Kurogane’s a bit… curious. He’s never met someone like Fai. Maybe there really is something more underneath the grating smiles and stupid nicknames.

Besides. The oddly decent thing is pretty hot.

Shit, though, he’s probably going to live to regret this, but – for once, he just doesn’t _care._

Maybe he lost his ability to give a fuck at about the same time he lost his home.

“Fine. _Fine._ Yes. Do your worst, if you think you’re so great. I’m not making any promises, though.”

“Of course not, Kuro-pon. I’ll look forward to this, then. Sweet dreams for now, mmka?”

Kurogane’s answer is little more than a snort, but he doesn’t really care. And the pillow is comfortable when he rolls onto his stomach and sticks his face in it, swallowing down a groan.

He’s trapped with two kids, a magical white bun, and a mage who’s planning to seduce him.

How the fuck did Kurogane even end up here?

\- - -

He realizes that he has another problem immediately the next morning, though.

Because Fai’s already awake, when Kurogane wakes up. That, and he’s shirtless. Nothing but a pair of thin pants, clinging to his tiny hips, and his damn pretty hair pointing in every direction.

That’s not what Kurogane gets stuck on, though. Because Fai’s standing in front of the room’s full length mirror with his back towards it, his arms wrapped tight around himself as he cranes over his shoulder to see; and his expression is absolutely, horribly blank as he stares at his back.

It’s… almost disconcerting, actually. How out of it he looks. That, and it’s just incredibly sad.

Damn witch. Taking the things they value most. What the hell is with that, anyway?

And he carefully closes his eyes, again, until he can hear Fai moving. Keeps them closed until Fai’s gotten his things and left the room, the door closing behind with barely a sound. And only then does Kurogane groan into the pillow, a wave of frustration clenching his hands into fists.

Fucking fantastic. He’s in the worst crisis of his entire adult life, and he’s worrying more about somehow who isn’t himself. If he’s going to get home, he really needs to stay focused on that.

\- - -

It’s a plan that derails pretty much immediately.

Because he’s still not sure what the hell Fai’s deal with. Not sure if his seduction style is to try to irritate his way into his Kurogane’s pants, or whether he’s just enjoying irritating him, period.

But more than that, though, the problem is Syaoran and Sakura. Because it’s only been two days – two short, measly days – and Kurogane already cares way too much about both of them.

Fuck. _Fuck._

This is the last thing he needs. To go caring this much about a couple of strangers. Especially with all the shit that’s still rattling around in his own head, silently screaming at him.

Because Kurogane is angry.

He’s realized that, over the last couple of days.

And it’s nothing new, of course. He’s been angry for years. Most of the time, though, he’s able to use it. He’s learned how. He knows how to take his anger, and his hurt, and channel it into something useful, all while keeping up a calm façade for literally the entire rest of the world.

Right now, though, he’s not having much luck with that. Right now, all he wants is to find something and punch his way through it, until he forgets just how terribly far from home he is.

Damn Tomoyo. And damn that witch. Damn the entire horrible situation, really.

And damn the wizard who’s sat down beside him, as casual as though they’ve known each other for years. Kurogane kind of wants to reach over and strangle him, too, while he’s at it. They’ve shared a room for two nights, now, and Fai hadn’t even tried anything, the night before – had just smiled at him a bit, and then gone to sleep – and it’s… not what Kurogane had been expecting. Especially since he’s pretty sure all he’d have to do is crawl into Fai’s bed, and Fai would probably just grin at him and cheerfully let Kurogane do pretty much whatever the hell he wants.

It’s been _two days,_ though. Kurogane doesn’t do this with strangers. Not even unfairly attractive ones.

“Hmm, Kuro-pon –”

“Don’t _call_ me –”

“Those were some wise words, you know. About crying, I mean.”

They’re sitting outside the hotel, the night long since fallen. Syaoran had wandered back inside, eventually – had went back and sat beside the princess while she fell asleep for the night – and Kurogane had come out here to be alone. It’s incredibly sad, yes, what Syaoran and Sakura are dealing with. Heartbreaking, even, that she’ll never remember him. But Kurogane can’t fix that.

And right now he wants to be _alone._

“I don’t recall asking for your company, mage. Or your opinion, for that –”

“Hmm, and here I thought you’d be less grouchy than normal, after that display of –”

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re annoying?”

“Harsh words, seeing as you’ve known me for all of three days.”

He smiles at him, as he says it, glancing at him sideways, from where he’s sat down beside Kurogane; and Kurogane can’t stop a growl, even as he goes back to staring straight ahead.

His skin feels too tight, like something inside him is trying to get out.

He wants to go _home._

“It’s bad enough that I have to share a room with you. Can’t you give me at least a little space?”

“What, you’d really rather be alone with just your thoughts, right now?”

_“Yes.”_

Because he would. He knows his own trauma. He knows how to deal with it – and he knows how to deal with it _alone._ He’s not someone who likes being around other people when he feels like shit.

But the last thing he’s expecting is for Fai to stare at him for a moment, and then nod, like he actually respects that.

What the hell?

“Fair enough. But one last question, though, before I go.”

Fai’s not looking at him, now. He’s got his legs stretched out in front of him, and he’s staring out across the yard. Kurogane realizes that he’s watching too closely – taking in the way his hair falls, the sharp line of his jaw, his stupid ridiculously gorgeous face – and has to take a deep breath.

Dangerous. Why does this already feel dangerous?

“Alright. Fine. What is it?”

His voice sounds a bit rough. And Fai doesn’t look at him, his eyes falling down to the ground. For a long moment, he doesn’t say something at all; and then he sighs, still staring at the ground.

“You gonna help me watch out for those kids in there?”

It’s not what he was expecting. Not at all. But Fai’s looking at him, now – not smiling, for once; like he’s serious about this – and Kurogane nods, because there’s only one possible answer here.

“Yeah. Of course.”

“Thought so. Just wanted to check. I mean, I know we all barely know each other, but –”

“No, I – I get it. Those two are in trouble. That much is obvious. If we’re all going to be… traveling together, or whatever – the least we can do is get them through it alive, so –”

“You really are less grouchy sometimes, aren’t you?”

“Piss off, mage.”

There’s no bite to it, though. In fact, he’s pretty sure his face is a little warm, actually, because Fai sounds almost… fond, suddenly.

And he doesn’t look at Fai as Fai huffs out a little laugh and gets to his feet, just barely putting a hand on Kurogane’s shoulder before he steps away, though he pauses before opening the door.

“Oh, and, by the way – whenever you’re done sitting out here and thinking, feel free to crawl into my bed, if you’d like. Or not. No hard feelings if not, of course. Whatever you’d like, Kuro-sama.”

He pauses, after he says it; but there’s nothing that Kurogane can say. Not with how hard is heart is beating. And he doesn’t move until Fai’s gone inside and shut the door behind him; and then Kurogane groans and puts his face in his hands, horribly aware of just how flushed his face is.

_Fuck._  

He should have never agreed to this. He should have told the mage no, that very first night. Hell, he should go back to their room and tell him no right now, so Fai drops this whole idea for good.

He doesn’t _want_ to, though.

His skin is too hot and his entire body is prickling and he – he’s just so fucking _lonely._

There. He’s admitted it. Only in his head, sure, but at least it’s something.

He’s lonely. He’s so far from home, and he’s lonely, and he wants… he’s not even sure, but he’s pretty sure that Fai is offering exactly what Kurogane needs right now. Even if it’s only for a night. He’s never actually tried that, before, but maybe it would make things hurt even just a little bit less.

And maybe he’s not the only one.

_Maybe I’m looking for a distraction. Like you said, I’m obviously running from something._

Maybe Fai _was_ actually being honest. Or maybe Kurogane’s just projecting his own loneliness.

Either way, Kurogane’s heart is hammering as he gets up and goes back inside. He still hasn’t made up his mind by the time he reaches the stairs the lead up to their room; but then it becomes a moot point, probably, because Mokona is sitting on the bottom step and staring at the floor.

And Kurogane knows that he’s screwed, because his heart twinges.

Great. It’s not just the kids, and it’s not just Fai. It’s the magical white meat bun, too.

“Can’t sleep?”

He sounds a bit too gruff, probably; but maybe Mokona’s not going to care. Her main strategy seems to be sitting on his shoulder and chirping in his ear until he decides that he loves her, so it’s not like she's been at all put off by his crankiness. And he’s not completely surprised when she looks up at him, and then jumps up into his arms and ends up snuggling against his chest; and if Kurogane just sighs and hugs her closer, at least there’s nobody else around to see. There’s only one lamp lit in the hall, and the building is completely quiet. Everyone else must be asleep.

“Hey, meat bun, what gives? What the hell are you doing out –”

“Sakura fell asleep, and then Syaoran fell asleep, and – and they both just seemed so _tired,_ and I wasn’t tired, yet, but I didn’t want to risk waking them, so I thought I’d come find you and Fai, instead, but your door was closed, so I just… I came back down here instead, and –”

“Would it help to bunk down with me, then?”

He’s digging his own grave, probably. Hell, he’s already been doing it with all of them.

It’s been three days. He can’t care this much.

But when Mokona nods and tries to squirm deeper against his chest, Kurogane doesn’t really care. Magical animal, magical creation, magical meat bun – whatever the hell she is, Kurogane needs to keep her safe, too. And when she murmurs a little _thank you_ against his chest, Kurogane just rubs his fingers against her head, hearing her hum happily as he walks up the stairs.

Yeah. He’s screwed. With all of them, he’s already so screwed.

And he opens the door as quietly as he can, just in case Fai is sleeping; but by the time he’s shut it – the room’s dark save for the moon through the window, but he can see well enough – Fai’s already sitting up to look at him; and Kurogane’s barely opened his mouth before Fai gives him a smile that looks a bit rueful, even as he rolls on to his stomach and pats the blankets beside him, reaching out to pet Mokona as she jumps out of Kurogane’s arms and ends up beside Fai instead.

“Hmm, having trouble sleeping, Moko-chan?”

“I was, yes, I really was, and – and then your door was closed, but Kurogane found me, and –”

“Oh, did he, now?”

Fai’s grinning at him, as he says it, his eyes bright in the dim room; and Kurogane feels his skin flush even worse, even as he pulls back the blankets and crawls in, not looking at either of them.

“Shut it, mage. And you can keep the little meat bun, then, if you’re so worried –”

“But _Kuro,_ you were the one who rescued me –”

“Kuro-pon is just being grouchy, Mokona. I won’t mind if you want to sleep with him instead.”

“I’m _not_ being –”

“Are you sure, Fai?”

She sounds honestly distressed, and Kurogane swallows as he turns his head to watch them; and if his stomach swoops when Fai grins and rubs his fingers over her head, nobody else ever has to know.

When the fuck did the mage become so cute?

“I’m sure. But in the future – if my door’s closed, just knock, okay? You’re always welcome.”

“Thank you, Fai. That’s sweet of you.”

She sounds completely serious, now, and Fai smiles as he gives her a last gentle pat, and then drops his hand; and Kurogane’s already pulling back the blanket by the time she jumps over to his bed, so that she can curl up against him, making a happy little sleepy sound; and the room’s silent for all of a second before she pushes herself up again, her voice still completely solemn as she speaks.

“I’ll snuggle in with you tomorrow night, Fai, okay?”

“That sounds lovely, Moko-chan. Sweet dreams, mmka?”

“You too.”

She snuggles against Kurogane, as she says it; and Kurogane… finds himself caught, suddenly, when he makes the mistake of looking at Fai, whose eyes are _way_ too soft, even in the dim light.

“Rescued her, huh?”

“Shut up.”

He can feel the heat behind his ears – shit, _shit,_ since when did Fai start affecting him quite this much? – and Fai just grins at him before he settles back down on his pillow, closing his eyes and still smiling, a bit; and Kurogane closes his eyes, too, his heart still beating uncomfortably fast.

He should have never said yes to Fai. That much is becoming abundantly clear.

And this is all going to come crashing down around his ears, if he isn’t really careful.


	2. Koryo

He’s still a bit rattled by the next morning, but he doesn’t have long to dwell on it.

Because they move on to another world, and immediately end up in a nasty little fight; and, now, Syaoran and Sakura have gone off to try to find information, leaving Fai and Kurogane to fix the house.

Of course, it’s more Kurogane doing the roof fixing, while Fai teases him from below, all while eyeing him up the entire time; and if Kurogane’s not careful, he’s going to fall off the damn roof.

Why is Fai getting to him so much? He’s beautiful, sure, and his obvious concern for the kids and Mokona is commendable; but Kurogane’s known decent, attractive people before, and none of them have ever gotten to him like this. Especially not in such a short time period. Hell, it’s only been _four days._ What the hell is it about Fai that makes him so damn special?

“Kuro-pon, I’m going to make some tea. Would you like some?”

He’s grinning up at Kurogane from the ground, and Kurogane nods, and then drags his eyes back to what he’s doing as Fai goes to make them tea. At least he’s making himself useful, if Kurogane’s going to be the one doing the hard work. And a quick glance down shows that Fai’s started collecting debris, too, clearing out the house floor; and Kurogane grits his teeth as he picks up the hammer and gets to work again, because it’s either that or sit here and stare at Fai.

Maybe it’s all the contradictions. Maybe that’s what’s getting to him. How someone who seems so cheerful could have left home with the wish to never return… it doesn’t make sense. Most often, the people who run from something are the people who have been hurt by their pasts. Could that just be what this is? Curiosity, or some kind of morbid broken wing syndrome? He’d never thought of himself as someone who wanted to fix people, but maybe he just never realized it?

“Tea’s ready! And once we’re all done fixing this place up, I found some kind of game. Don’t know what it is, really, but it looks a bit like checkers, I guess? Anyway, if you want to play, I’m in.”

He’s grinning up at Kurogane, again, broom in his hand as he stares at him; and it doesn’t even sound like innuendo. It could have, that last bit – but it doesn’t. It just sounds like Fai’s genuinely excited to play whatever ridiculous game he’s found. And Kurogane nods, and then goes back to his work, again, because his chest has decided to go all tight and aching and stupid.

Yeah. This is bad. This is so bad.

And, no, it’s not that he wants to fix Fai. There’s concern, sure. He knows what it’s like to have a past that you want to run from, and he knows how long it took him to turn his past into armour. And he doesn’t like seeing anyone else hurting, even if it’s someone that he barely even knows.

But it’s more than that. He thinks he could learn to like the mage.

And that’s something that he really shouldn’t think too much about.

Instead, he just focuses on hammering down the last of the boards, and then he finds the ladder and crawls back to the ground, stepping back into the house and wiping a hand across his face , grimacing when it comes back covered in sweat. He’s soaked behind the knees and under his arms, too. Maybe he can find a shower of some sort. For now, he has tea, at least, and the company of… well. Someone he doesn’t dislike. Not exactly generous praise, but it’s probably the safest way to think about it.

He realizes that he’s fucked up, though, when he raises his shirt to rub at his face, and then drops it again, and finds Fai just… staring. Blatantly, unapologetically staring at his stomach, which had been uncovered mere seconds ago; and Kurogane hates the way he can feel his skin flush.

“Oi. Eyes up here, mage.”

“With a show like that, though, can you blame me?”

He’s smiling, again, but there’s heat in his eyes, when he looks up at Kurogane; and Kurogane’s mouth goes dry, even as he steps forward and skirts around Fai, heading for the tea pot.

“Idiot. It’s not like I was planning on –”

A hand on his hip makes him stop.

That, and the way Fai’s just barely pressing up against him, now, nose brushing against his back.

It’s like someone’s flipped a switch inside him.

“Mage…”

It doesn’t sound like a warning. It sounds almost shaky, actually. And Fai’s fingers tighten on his hip.

“Tell me to stop any time.”

His voice is low, and his hand slips just barely underneath Kurogane’s shirt, hovering, for a second, before Fai leans in closer until he can press his hand out flat across Kurogane’s stomach; and it’s a damn miracle that Kurogane’s legs don’t go out from under him.

“I –”

“I’m serious, Kuro-pon. Anything you don’t like, just tell me.”

It’s rough-sounding, now, as Fai slides his hand further – Kurogane can feel his fingers trailing across his stomach muscles, even as Fai presses his lips against Kurogane’s spine, right through his shirt – and then Fai’s other hand is slipping up under the back of shirt, too, sliding across his skin; and all Kurogane wants in the entire damn world is to lean back and let Fai catch him.

But. He can’t.

“It’s – it’s the middle of the _day_ –”

“I _know.”_

“They could be back any time –”

“Believe me, Kuro-sama, I – I am well aware. I hadn’t planned on doing this, you know.”

He sounds even more breathless, now, still shamelessly tracing his fingers over the ridges of Kurogane’s stomach, like he can’t seem to stop himself; and Kurogane… still doesn’t stop him.

His knees are shaky. He _wants_ this. He wants this _so_ badly.

And then Fai groans against him, pressing his face harder against his back.

 _“Fuck._ I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to – you – you’re just so _unfairly_ attractive –”

“Says you.”

He only realizes he’s said it when Fai goes still; and then Kurogane swallows, because he’s… done something that Fai hadn’t been expecting, maybe? Maybe the mage can hand out the compliments, but he’s not used to getting them back? Or maybe he just can’t handle affection?

“Kuro-ron.”

It’s soft, against his back. Then, he hears Fai swallow, and his hands fall away as he steps back. By the time Kurogane manages to turn around, Fai’s smiling, again, though his cheeks are pink.

“You sweet talker, you. Shall we find that game, then? You’re right. This isn’t the time for this. And there’s tea, after all – not sure exactly what it is, but it smells good, at least.”

He’s already moving, as he says it; and Kurogane swallows, his heart still beating too hard.

Yeah. Yeah this was all such a bad idea.

\- - -

He doesn’t have time to worry about that, though.

Because by the time they’ve defeated Kiishimu and Tanbaru, Kurogane’s livid.

Fai’s talking to Syaoran, while Sakura’s talking to Chu'nyan and the other villagers; and Kurogane sucks in a breath, feeling his body twinge with the remnants of their earlier fight.

He wants to grab Fai and shake him. And he’s no less calm by time the walks over to Fai and Syaoran, trying to keep his voice steady as he hands Mokona to Syaoran and then turns to Fai.

“Can I talk to you for a moment?”

“Now, Kuro-tan? We’ll be leaving soon –”

“Now would be good, yes.”

“Hmm, so bossy.”

He smiles at him and then reaches over to pat Mokona on the head; and Kurogane pretends to not notice the way Syaoran glances between Fai and Kurogane, even as Fai follows Kurogane away from the crowd; and then they’re standing far out of earshot of everyone else, with Fai’s arms crossed over his chest as he leans against a tree and smiles up at Kurogane, as calm and easy as ever.

“Problem?”

“Those were lofty words, the other day.”

He feels like he’s going to explode. And Fai’s still smiling, like he doesn’t understand. Like he doesn’t _want_ to understand, more likely.

“I’m afraid I don’t –”

“You, wanting to keep the kids safe. So much for that. Did you honestly think –”

“You really want to have this conversation here, Kuro-pin?”

There’s just the slightest glint to Fai’s eyes, and – no. Probably not. Sakura and Chu'nyan will be done talking soon, and then they’re going to be moving on; and now is not the time to do this.

Kurogane doesn’t care, though. His skin’s still crawling from their earlier acid bath.

“You could have fought her. Kiishimu. You could have –”

“But I _did_ fight her –”

“With _magic,_ you idiot. She damn near killed all of us – including the kid. Now, I don’t give a damn if you give a shit about me, but as far as the kids are concerned –”

“Ah, but she _didn’t_ kill us, so –”

“I don’t _care_. And – and I don’t know what your problem is, or what you’re running from –”

“Luckily you were around to save us, hmm?”

He’s still smiling. He’s _still_ fucking smiling.

He’s leaning against the tree behind him, smiling up at him while Kurogane glares down at him; and Kurogane breathes through a new wave of anger, even as Fai shrugs, like he doesn’t care.

“Like I said before. I told you – all of you – right from the very start. I won’t use my magic.”

“Even if it gets us killed?”

“Well, let’s just hope it doesn’t come to –”

_“Mage –”_

“I have my reasons, Kuro-pon. Reasons that are mine alone. And you’d best stop thinking of me as a _mage_ at all. Because you’re not going to be getting any magic out of me.”

He’s still smiling. Smiling up at Kurogane like an idiot, his voice still perfectly even.

And Kurogane just stares back, before he feels his teeth grind together.

“You are infuriating, you know that?”

“Oh, I’m well aware, Kuro-sama. You probably won’t even like me by the time this trip is over.”

He pats Kurogane on the arm as he steps by – just for a second, but Kurogane wants to grab his hand and rip it off – and then he walks away without another word, all smiles by the time he gets back to Syaoran and Mokona; and Kurogane’s left standing there with his hands balled into fists.

Funny, less than a day ago, he’d thought of Fai as _cute._

And now he kind of wants to strangle him. How Fai could risk _everyone_ for the sake of – for – shit, Kurogane doesn’t even _know_ . He _can’t_ know, though, if Fai doesn’t tell him. And… alright, maybe Kurogane is going about this the wrong way. Maybe he’s yelling when he should be asking questions, instead. He can’t think of a damn thing that could justify Fai’s decision, but…

Maybe losing his temper is not the way to make any progress.

His entire body is still aching, though. They’re damn well lucky they didn’t die.

He’ll talk to Fai in the next world. Hell, this exact scenario is bound to happen again. And neither Fai nor Kurogane are going to be any use to those kids if they spend this journey fighting.

He just needs a bit more time, though, to calm. Just a little bit more. And then he’ll try to talk to Fai, again.

Right now, he just needs a few more minutes alone.


	3. Fog Country

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Warning for one post-anime spoiler re: Fai's magic.)

It becomes quickly apparent, as they set up in camp in the next world – some forested area, right next to a giant lake – that Fai’s method of dealing with their earlier fight is to simply pretend that nothing happened at all.

He’s still all smiles with Syaoran and Mokona, and he keeps telling them ridiculous little stories, like he’s trying to keep Syaoran’s morale up while Sakura sleeps, lied out on the forest floor as they work on setting up their camp. They’re not going to be all that comfortable without a fire, though; and Kurogane needs to… well. Whatever happened earlier, they need to talk about it.

“Oi, mage. Want to help me gather some firewood?”

It’s got to be horribly transparent, for all of them. Kurogane could probably drag an entire log back on his own, if he had to. And he doesn’t miss the way Fai stills, before he straightens up from where he was kneeling beside Sakura; and that damn ever-present smile is _still_ on his face.

“Sure, Kuro-rin. Wouldn’t want you to get lost in the scary dark forest by yourself.”

“Your wit is astounding.”

He just sounds really irritated again, though. And Syaoran gives them another odd look before he goes back to focusing on Sakura; and then it’s just Kurogane and Fai as they step out of the little clearing, and start walking along the edge of the lake. There’s a bit of a moon, and it’s giving them enough light to see by; and Kurogane’s just glanced sideways at Fai when Fai smiles again.

“Three feathers. That’s something, at least.”

“Mage –”

“And maybe in this world –”

_“Mage –”_

“If you’re going to yell at me again, I’d honestly really rather you didn’t. It won’t change my mind, after all.”

“I’m not – that’s not why – I just –”

“Lost for words? I’d hoped to leave you speechless, but these aren’t quite the circumstances that –”

“Holy shit, would you just shut up for a second?”

He’s possibly going to actually strangle Fai this time. And Fai just shrugs before he sits down beside the lake, casually staring out across the clear water, no longer looking at him. It’s avoidance if Kurogane’s ever seen it, and he feels his teeth grit as he sits beside him, even as Fai keeps staring ahead; and he looks untouchable, suddenly. He’s sitting right beside Kurogane, but he feels worlds away. Like the closeness that they’d been building between them has vanished.

And Kurogane hates it. Just this morning, he’d sat across from Fai and played that stupid little checkers game that had Fai grinning like the damn sun every time he’d beaten Kurogane. Kurogane wants that back. And he wants to understand what the fuck Fai’s so damn scared of.

“If you could just tell me –”

“Nope.”

“Dammit, it’s not just _you_ who this affects. And not just me, even. Those kids –”

“Answer’s still no. And if you can’t deal with that, well –”

“Look, we agreed to keep everyone safe. I get that you’re running from something, but –”

“Kuro-pon.”

There almost sounds like a warning, there. Fai’s fingers are digging into the ground, and he’s not smiling, anymore, when he turns to look at Kurogane; but Kurogane just stares right back at him.

“If you don’t drop this –”

“Then give me _something._ I’m trying to understand, here. We can’t spend this trip fighting.”

“I don’t care if you’re trying to understand –”

“I’m not just asking for _me,_ you idiot. Or the kids. Don’t you ever want someone to talk to?”

For a second, he thinks that he’s pushed too far. Because Fai just stares at him, barely blinking.

It’s got to be true, though. Fai’s not like Kurogane, from what Kurogane’s seen of him. Whatever Fai’s running from, being around people seems to help him. He certainly seems to spend all his time seeking out someone to talk to. Maybe that’s his way of trying to shut his mind up for a bit.

And Kurogane… so maybe he does want to help, after all. He wants to know what has this man so scared. It’s probably not something that Kurogane can fight, but maybe he can at least try.

“I mean it. I’m asking for all of us – including you. Is that so hard to believe?”

He can hear the sudden gruffness in his voice – yeah, wow, he’s _so_ out of practice at this – but when Fai just keeps staring at him, it’s probably a moot point, anyway. Kurogane can only push so hard, here. If Fai doesn’t give him something back, it’s not like Kurogane can _make_ him talk.

And then Fai swallows, and he turns and looks out over the lake again.

“My magic… it’s… I’m not doing this for me.”

It’s barely audible. And his fingers are twisting into the grass beside him, pulling up little pieces of it, and then dropping them again; and Kurogane wants to take his hand, but he doesn’t want to startle him. Not if Fai is finally talking. And Kurogane’s not sure why his chest hurts so much.

“It’s to keep someone else safe. And you’d best be happy with that, because it’s all you’re ever going to get from me.”

“Better than nothing.”

His voice sounds a bit hoarse, with how dry his mouth is. Why does he suddenly feel nervous?

It _is_ better than nothing, though. It’s at least some semblance of an explanation.

And he only realizes that he’s staring when that damned smile is suddenly back on Fai’s face, like nothing’s ever happened; and then he’s moving so quickly that Kurogane only realizes what’s happened when Fai’s already in his lap. Legs on either side of him as he puts a hand on the back of Kurogane’s neck, fingers dancing across the sensitive skin as Fai grins down at him.

“So, you do care about me after all, Kuro-rin. I’m flattered.”

His voice has dropped down about an octave, and Kurogane feels all the blood in his body rush south. He must have enough left to blush with, though, because Fai laughs as he presses his lips against his cheek, cool and soft before he pulls back again, fingers still sliding against his neck.

“Well, what do you say? We finally have some time alone. Been wanting to do this for days.”

He’s still smiling, as he says it.

He’s sitting in Kurogane’s lap like it’s the easiest thing in the world, and the damn moonlight’s gotten caught in his eyes and his hair; and he’s beautiful. He’s so unbelievably beautiful.

But when Fai ducks down to kiss him, Kurogane leans away, and shakes his head. Wraps his hands around Fai’s wrists, holding him still; and then feels his heart jump when Fai frowns at him, looking confused, and – shit. Shit, _shit,_ wasn’t this what Kurogane was _supposed_ to want?

He doesn’t, though. Not with the taste of their fight still sitting bitter on his tongue.

“Kuro-pon?”

Fai still looks confused. Confused, and… Kurogane doesn’t even know.

All he knows is that Fai finally told him something genuine about himself, and then yanked all his shields right back up and crawled into Kurogane’s lap; and there’s something wrong about that. And Kurogane doesn’t want to do this if Fai’s just trying to get them back to safer territory.

Funny, he’s never seen someone try to use sex to _create_ distance, before.

“Maybe later? I’d rather… we just… I’m still trying to think, so –”

“Can't say I've met many people who would choose thinking over sex, you know.”

He feels really, really tense on top of Kurogane, now. And Kurogane should let this go.

He doesn’t want to, though.

But maybe he can find some middle-ground, here. They’re still practically strangers. Kurogane’s not even sure if he likes Fai, or if he’s just tapping into Kurogane’s protective streak, or… or something. But, whatever the case, he knows if he pushes too hard he’s going to send Fai running.

“Yes, well, maybe I’ve got more of a brain than you think I do.”

He deliberately puts more of a grumble into it. Fai’s not the only one who can wear a mask, here.

And whether it works or not, Fai at least pretends that it does, because Fai laughs as he climbs out of Kurogane’s lap and extends his hand, still grinning as he pulls Kurogane back to his feet.

“I’d never mistake you for stupid, Kuro-sama. If anything, you’re a hell of a lot more observant than most.”

He’s smiling, as he says it, and then he squeezes Kurogane’s fingers before he drops his hand and turns away and starts walking; and Kurogane just stands there, his stomach suddenly hurting.

_A hell of a lot more observant than most._

Was that Fai calling him out on calling Fai out?

“Coming? I don’t wanna leave you all alone out here, you know.”

He’s paused, turned back to grin at him, no hint of anything in his expression beyond that damnable smile; and Kurogane swallows the confusion as he takes a breath and starts walking.

Shit, though. Fai’s going to have Kurogane thinking in circles soon, if Kurogane isn’t careful.

Magic or no magic, he thinks he’s starting to realize just how dangerous the mage might be. His words alone are probably one hell of a weapon.


	4. Jade Country

Whatever weirdness had been between them that night, it seems to fade over the next few days.

Because they end up in some snowy world, at some random doctor’s house; and Kurogane’s never been so happy to have Mokona and as a buffer between himself and Fai. Because Sakura has one room, Syaoran has another, and then Fai and Kurogane are rooming together again; but Mokona seems keen to snuggle in with each of them at night, which seriously puts a crimp in anything Fai might have had planned. And Kurogane… he’s not sure why he’s happy about that.

Wasn’t this what he wanted?

That night, in Hanshin. He knows, now, that if he hadn’t found Mokona on the stairs, he would have gone upstairs and crawled into Fai’s bed. It’s enough to make his skin heat, just thinking of it. Then, or if they’d had time when they’d been fixing that house, he’d have gone for it then, too.

So why is he hesitating now?

It’s not that he doesn’t _want_ Fai. He really does. And he’s pretty sure that the constant nicknames, the teasing, the getting in his personal space, trying to rile him up – he’s pretty sure it actually _is_ Fai’s idea of flirting. And it’s juvenile, sure; but the worst part is that it’s _working._ All confusion aside, he’s been in a pretty much constant stare of arousal since they got to the damn country, because Fai just _won’t let up._

And Kurogane shouldn’t be encouraging him – he _really_ shouldn’t be encouraging him – but he is. He definitely is.

And he only realizes just how badly he’s playing along when he ends up chasing Fai down a snowy path and grabbing on to him, only for Fai’s eyes to darken as he goes boneless and lets Kurogane hold him there, smirking as he stares up at him; and Kurogane’s heart is slamming as he pulls away, suddenly grateful that there are other people around. If there weren’t, he’d have probably finally kissed him right there.

So, yeah. He’s encouraging this. And he doesn’t know how much of this is Fai genuinely enjoying himself, and how much is an act, and much of it is closing the distance between them, and how much is putting distance between them; and it’s all so confusing that Kurogane ends up spending their second night there shoving his face into his pillow as Fai sleeps in the bed beside him.

What is _wrong_ with him?

The other thing, too, is that… it’s fun.

Yes, it’s annoying. Yes, he spends a lot of time growling and swatting at Fai, because apparently Kurogane is a _teenager_ who doesn’t know enough to stop encouraging the other damn teenager.

But he also… it’s just fun. Carrying on with Fai, like this.

He can’t remember the last time someone looked past his scowl and saw him for more than his sword and his glare. He can’t remember the last time someone wasn’t put off by his personality.

None of them seem to care about all that, though. There’s Fai, of course, who’s made it clear that Kurogane’s scowling only encourages him even more; but Syaoran and Sakura also seem fond of him, too, and Mokona keeps treating him like he’s the greatest thing to ever happen; and Kurogane doesn’t know what to _do_ with it all. Since when does anyone really truly like him for him?

Maybe he’s been a solider for too long. Maybe he’s forgotten how to do anything but fight.

Maybe Fai’s not the only one who sucks at letting people get close to him.

Though he seems happy enough to let Kurogane have his body, at least. And Kurogane should really be more than content with that.

But, by their second night, as he watches Fai smile while he brushes Sakura’s hair, the two of them sitting by a fire while Mokona perches on Fai’s shoulder, with Syaoran smiling as he sits next to them and utterly fails at reading his book, too focused on the adorable events unfolding in front of him, well – Kurogane’s pretty sure he’s decided that he wants more than just Fai’s body.

He was wrong, when he couldn’t figure out if he liked Fai, or if he just wanted to protect him.

He’s figured it out. It’s both. For all that Fai still sets off alarm bells in Kurogane’s head – and he does, there’s no question about it; because whatever it is that he’s running from, Kurogane’s pretty sure it’s damaged Fai in ways that might be dangerous, whether to himself or those around him – it still doesn’t seem to matter. Kurogane likes him. He likes the stupid nicknames, and the fact that Fai isn’t put off by him. He likes that Fai wants to look after the kids, and that he likes making tea for people, and that he enjoys stupid board games, and that he’s nice to everyone they meet.

There’s got to be something seriously wrong with Kurogane, though. They’re going to traveling together for fuck knows how long. Attraction is one thing. This, here, is… something different.

He should have just let Fai fuck him that very first night. Fai would have probably lost interest after that, and they could have gone on as travel companions without any of this… whatever this is. Whatever it is that Kurogane’s dealing with. Maybe they could have avoided this completely.

Shit, Kurogane’s going to screw this up. He knows he is.

He’s found a group who seem to actually like him, and he’s going to wreck it.

\- - -

Their third night there finds Kurogane sitting out on the back porch.

Sakura’s back. They got her back.

She’s asleep, still – she’s been sleeping for nearly a day, at this point – but she’s safe.

She’s safe, and Syaoran’s safe, and all the children are safe.

Which doesn’t explain why Kurogane’s still feeling a bit shaky inside.

He should have _never_ gotten this attached to those kids. Hell, it’s barely been two weeks _._ Other than Tomoyo, it’s been years since he really cared about someone. And those two have gotten under his skin in no time; and he’s horribly sure that there’s going to be more heartbreak in the future. Even if they all get through this alive, there’s no way this journey is going to be painless.

Shit, he just wants to go _home._

They’re staying at Keurlson’s house until they’re up to traveling again, and Kurogane just… he just really, _really_ doesn’t want to be here, anymore. He doesn’t want to _care_ like this. He doesn’t want them to care about him, either. He wants to just go back home, where all he has to do is swing a sword and keep Tomoyo safe. That, at least, was simple. This isn’t.

Why did she send him away? Couldn’t she see that all he ever tried to do was his job?

And he’s not sure why the sound of the door opening behind him is a welcome one.

Since when does he prefer _anyone’s_ company to being by himself?

“You’re going to give yourself a cold, you know, sitting out here.”

Fai’s voice is soft, and then there’s a blanket being draped over him, tucked in around his shoulders; and Kurogane closes his eyes, everything inside him suddenly getting all twisted up.

He can’t deal with this. He can’t deal with anyone caring _._

And when Fai sits down beside him, Kurogane doesn’t look at him. He does reach up to pull the blanket down a bit tighter himself, but – he just can’t quite look at him, right now.

“Thanks.”

“Any time, Kuro-pon.”

His voice is still soft, and Kurogane stares at the snow in front of him. The deck is clear, at least – freezing cold, underneath him, but clear – but he probably still shouldn’t be sitting out here.

“I’m starting to think those two are going to give us gray hairs mighty quickly.”

Fai’s boots dig into the snow at his feet, as he says it; and Kurogane tightens his grip on the blanket.

“I’m starting to think the same, too. It’s just…”

“Yeah. We may be in a bit over our heads, here, Kuro-sama.”

Kurogane nods, and then finally looks at Fai. He’s frowning, as he stares into the darkness; and he doesn’t look at Kurogane as he puts his hand on the deck behind him, and leans back a bit more.

“Still want me to leave you alone with your thoughts?”

It’s deceptively casual, like so many things that Fai does. And Kurogane can’t quite believe what’s about to come out of his own mouth. Maybe losing his home has really screwed with him.

“No.”

“You sure? Because I can always bugger off if –”

“Where are we all sleeping tonight?”

He hasn’t even asked, yet. He’s been too busy sitting out here and trying to deal.

And he doesn’t miss the way Fai stills, like that was the last thing he was expecting Kurogane to ask; and Kurogane feels his skin heat, and he goes back to staring ahead, even as Fai swallows.

“Um… Sakura has her own room. Syaoran’s put a cot down on the floor, to keep an eye on her. We’re – you and I are in an upstairs room.”

“Think you can find a way to convince Mokona to bunk down with the kids?”

He’s not sure why he’s doing this. He’s not even sure this is what he wants.

He knows, though, that he doesn’t want to be alone.

And Fai’s never going to want something more than just this. Kurogane would be a fool to even consider it.

“I… I can figure something out, I’m sure.”

He sounds almost… hesitant, though. And Kurogane manages to look at him, it’s to find Fai frowning in a way that looks more concerned, than anything else, which – that, more than anything, brings heat flooding across his face. Shit, he doesn’t want anyone to _worry_ about him.

“Not… not that I’m not thrilled with this turn of events, Kuro-pon, but –”

“Look, if you don’t want to, just say –”

“I just – are you sure you want to do this now? Today was… well. And you’re looking a bit…”

He waves a hand, as he says it, in a way that’s probably meant to encompass the entirety of Kurogane’s glower, and the sad tension that he can feel written all through him; and it doesn’t help. If anything, it makes things even worse. Because he’s _not_ sure if he wants to do this now.

His head’s screaming at him, though. Shit, he just wants to go _home._

“I’m _fine._ I just –”

“Kuro-sama –”

“And I could really, _really_ use some kind of distraction, right now, so - so unless you don't want to this, anymore, I just... I could really...”

He cuts himself off, though, because... why is that idea sitting so unpleasant with him, suddenly? It's what they'd agreed to, that very first night - Fai had told him that he was looking for a distraction, and not for a friend; and Kurogane had agreed to it - so why does it feel wrong now?

And Fai just stares at him for a moment, before his lips pull tight, and his gaze drops down to the deck between them.

“Hmm. I did say something like that, didn’t I.”

It doesn’t sound like a question. It’s barely audible, at all.

And Kurogane kind of hates himself, suddenly.

“Sorry, sorry, I shouldn’t have –”

“No, you’re completely right, Kuro-tan. That… that is exactly what I said. There’s nothing to apologize for. And if you don’t want to be alone tonight, believe me, I’m more than happy to –”

“Wait, no – you were right. I – I don’t want to do this. Not now. I just –”

“Today just really sucked, hmm?”

There’s a wry twist to Fai’s lips, when he looks at him – like maybe Kurogane is the only one who’s gotten invested in those kids without meaning to – and Kurogane can’t do anything but nod. His stomach is hurting and his face is too hot and he doesn’t _want_ this man for just his body.

“Can I kiss you?”

It’s out before he can stop it. And, if anything is a bad idea, it’s this, right here.

And Fai just frowns at him, before he opens his mouth, and then shuts it again, still frowning.

“You… you don’t have to ask, you know. I thought I made it clear that I want –”

“Doesn’t matter. I’m still asking.”

His heart is hammering, suddenly. He’s freezing, but he feels like he’s burning up.

And maybe it’s not fair, to do this when Fai’s already looking right at him, with no way to look away. Maybe it’s not fair, when it’s becoming clear that they might be crossing some lines, here.

But Fai just keeps staring at him – no hint of a smile – before he finally nods; and Kurogane leans over to cross the distance between them. Just barely brushes their lips together, before he pulls back again. Fai’s lips are cool, and his eyes are a bit wide, and… Kurogane’s heart is slamming; and Fai doesn’t pull away when Kurogane takes his hands, trying to pull him closer.

“C’mere?”

His voice sounds almost fucked up, and Fai just stares at him, before he tries to smile.

“What, you want me back in your lap, again?”

His hands are shaking, in Kurogane’s. It’s probably from the cold, but it still makes Kurogane’s breath catch.

“That sounds pretty good, actually.”

Because – no, that’s not what he was going for. But it’ll make this easier, that’s for sure.

And Fai just keeps staring at him before he stands up. Kurogane has his feet flat on the ground, his knees out in front of him; and it’s easy for Fai to slide into his lap. Easy as anything for Kurogane to hold him there, sliding his hands down to rest against the small of his back, holding him close and keeping him steady. Like this, they’re about the same height; and Kurogane’s heart is beating even harder as he stares at him. Fai seems frozen, though; and he doesn’t move when Kurogane leans in. Doesn’t move as Kurogane keeps it as gentle as he can, barely pressing their lips together; and he’s just about to pull away when Fai finally responds. It’s about the gentlest kiss Kurogane’s ever had, and he can hear the warning bells screaming in the back of his mind.

He doesn’t care.

He just keeps it as soft as he can. Barely pulls away, between every careful brush of their lips. And he can feel the way Fai’s staring to shiver. Kurogane’s not sure if it’s the cold, anymore.

“What… what are you doing?”

There’s a crack in Fai’s voice, and his hands are painfully tight against Kurogane’s arms.

Kurogane pulls back just enough to look at him. Fai’s eyes are wide, and he looks blindsided.

And… Kurogane doesn’t know what to say. His mind is blank, and his throat is too tight.

What _is_ he doing?

And Fai just stares for a moment longer before he pushes himself out of Kurogane’s lap.

“I’m going to – um, inside. It’s – it’s too cold.”

He’s not looking at Kurogane. Kurogane suddenly feels a bit sick.

“Don’t, um – don’t stay out too long, hmm? We wouldn’t want you to get all frozen, and stuff.”

There’s a ghost of that smile, suddenly, even as he pats Kurogane’s shoulder and slips past him; and Kurogane is still sitting there, his head spinning, long after he’s heard the door slide shut.

What the hell did he just do?

\- - -

He doesn’t manage to hide outside for much longer, as much as he wants to. It is cold, after all.

And Fai’s asleep – or at least pretending to be – with Kurogane gets back. Mokona’s there, too, curled up against Fai’s chest with his arms around her; and Kurogane stares at them for a second before he slides out of his outer layers and crawls into his bed, his heart still beating way too hard.

He’s not sure what he just fucked up, but he’s pretty sure it was something.

_Oh, I’m well aware, Kuro-sama. You probably won’t even like me by the time this trip is over._

It echoes in his mind, suddenly – those words, an entire world away, while Fai had stood there and smiled at him in a way that made Kurogane’s skin crawl – and Kurogane squeezes his eyes shut.

Funny, he’s pretty sure he’s going to have the exact opposite problem.


	5. Outo Country

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who's been so kind and supportive while I've been writing this. It's all very much appreciated. <3
> 
> Also, I promise that these two darlings will have some happiness before they get stuck in Yama. Not in this chapter, but soon. :)
> 
> (For this chapter, CW for alcohol as a coping mechanism.)

He’s not quite sure what he’d expected to happen after that.

Whatever the case, Fai just kind of… doesn’t treat him any differently.

In the morning, he’s acting like nothing ever happened. The smiles, the nicknames – it’s all the same. And by the time they get to Outo country, Fai’s even teasing him about the new nickname – ‘Big Doggie’ – that Fai seems to have registered him as, along with Syaoran’s ‘Little Doggie.’

And Kurogane goes along with it all, because he has no idea what else to do.

But he’s pretty sure that… something feels just a bit different.

On the surface, it all looks the same. Fai’s carrying on with the kids, and teasing Kurogane as usual; but, just once, Kurogane catches Fai watching him, with no hint of that damned smile, before Fai looks away; and Kurogane has no idea what’s happening, and it’s making his stomach hurt.

So he likes the mage. So what? Kurogane is self-aware enough to admit it.

After last night, though, Kurogane is pretty sure that Fai’s not going to want anything to do with him. Fai might as well have a wall around him, and Kurogane just kind of trampled all over that.

So much for keeping this _simple._

Fai had wanted a distraction. He’d wanted someone to sleep with.

And Kurogane should have _never_ gone and complicated things.

\- - -

He only realizes that they have bigger things to worry about, though, when Fai nearly dies.

When he goes and almost gets himself killed. For absolutely _nothing._

And Kurogane is _livid_.

_That means I’m the type of person you hate most._

He’s livid. And he’s scared, too. Because what the fuck was _that?_

Fai’s flirting with the bartender, though. All smiles, as though twenty minutes ago he hadn’t ended up slammed against a wall – because _apparently_ he doesn’t care whether he dies or not.

Kurogane should have really seen this coming. So much for Fai just being _damaged_.

This is… he’s pretty sure this is something a lot deeper than that.

“Oi, Kuro-sama. You going to just sulk for the rest of the night?”

Fai elbows him, gently, as he says it; and Kurogane barely has time to glare at him before the song starts up. It’s something pretty. He doesn’t really care, though. And he just kind of grits his teeth and goes along with the conversation – shit, though, he’s _so_ angry – until Fai hums slightly, that damnable constant _irritating_ smile of his on his face he sighs in the direction of the singer.

“I’ve been waiting, too. Waiting for someone who can stay by my side.”

He’s not looking at Kurogane as he says it – his eyes are firmly fixed on the singer across the room – and, just like that, Kurogane kind of really hates himself, in a way he hasn't experienced in a while. And Fai’s still trying to talk to him, but Kurogane doesn’t care. He’s still livid, but there’s something else that he really needs to do. And as soon as they get the information they need, he carefully tugs Fai outside. They need to talk about this.

\- - -

“Oi, Kuro-pon, you can let go, you know. I’m not going anywhere.”

“And here I thought I was helping you walk.”

He does let go, though. If Fai thinks he can stand on his own, then all the power to him. And Kurogane shouldn’t do this here. Not down some dark alley in this shitty city while Fai leans against the brick wall behind him and fucking _beams_ at him as though nothing has happened at all.

“I’m sorry for getting angry.”

It doesn’t wipe the smile off Fai’s face. If anything, it just grows, even as he shrugs.

“Forgiven, of course. You were only trying to –”

“And I’m sorry for hurting you. That… I was trying to… it doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t have –”

“You were trying to make a point, Kuro-pon. That my sweet little life is wonderful and precious. Believe me, it worked. I got it loud and clear.”

“That still doesn’t –”

“I’ll forgive you, this time around. But, from now on, Kuro-nosy, please do try to stay out of my business, mmka? You don’t know me, and I’m getting kind of sick of you acting like you do.”

There’s a sharp edge, to it, suddenly; and, for a second, Kurogane can’t breathe at all.

Because Fai is still smiling at him.

Something about it, though, looks like he’s also kind of expecting Kurogane to take a swing at him. And Kurogane… he should probably really use this moment to break ties. Fai’s obviously a bit broken, and Kurogane already has his own nightmares; and he probably can’t keep it together enough for the both of them, especially since Fai likely doesn’t want anything to do with him, anymore.

He can’t give up, though. Not now. Not with Fai staring up at him like he’s expecting Kurogane to bail on him.

Kurogane doesn’t _want_ to give up on this man.

“You really think that little of me? That I’d bail as soon as shit gets tough?”

It’s stupid, probably. This whole situation is stupid. It’s been barely over two weeks since he met this man.

He doesn’t care, though. And he breathes through the wave of vulnerability as he puts his back to Fai, crouching down so that he can climb on, if he wants to. 

“Your call, mage. You really want me to piss off, fine. Go on and tell me, if you don’t want to be around me anymore. If not, though, the very least I can do is carry you back to the damn café.”

For a long moment, the ensuing silence just about chokes him.

Then, he feels hands on his shoulders, and he squeezes his eyes shut.

“I mean it, okay? Your call. You don’t wanna be around me, we can go back to just being a couple of strangers, just working together towards a common goal of keeping those kids alive –”

“Kuro-pon.”

Fai’s voice is soft, and his hands are still soft on Kurogane’s shoulder.

Kurogane closes his eyes a bit tighter. He… shit, though, he just cares way, way too much.

“I… I think we might have complicated this, Kuro-rin. And I’ll accept the ride home, because, well, my leg really does hurt, but – after that, I think that you and I should probably… stop this.”

Fai’s voice is barely audible, by the end of it; and Kurogane breathes through the nausea.

How can he miss something that he never really had?

“I – right, fine. Message received. Climb on, then. Let’s get out of here.”

His voice is all fucked up; and when Fai takes him up on it and crawls onto his back, Kurogane’s careful to keep as gentle as he can as he slides his arms under Fai’s legs, his chest gone all achy.

So they’re done, then.

At the very least, though, Kurogane can make sure Fai makes it back to the café.

\- - -

He’s not sure what he was expecting, after that.

They bandage Fai’s leg up, and then everyone – other than Kurogane – gets hammered. He kind of wants to strangle all of them, actually, but he also can’t blame them. It’s been a rough few weeks for everyone. And by the time he convinces everyone to finally go the hell to sleep, it’s four in the morning and he’s had deal with hours of literally everyone being rambunctious idiots.

Of course, it doesn’t help that he can’t tell how much of it is Fai having fun, and how much of it is him trying to escape. He’d definitely guess that a good bit of it follows into the latter category.

And he kind of wants to strangle himself when the door creeps open – they’re all in their own rooms, for once, and he’d _thought_ that everyone had called it a night – with Fai hanging off the door and blinking at him. His eyes are bright in the moonlight through the window, and his expression looks a bit glazed; and Kurogane’s barely got out of bed before Fai shuts the door, his breathing shaky as he steps forward and leans against Kurogane, pressing his face into his chest.

“Kuro-sama.”

It’s slurred, and barely audible. And Kurogane grabs on to Fai’s wrists even as Fai leans up to kiss his neck; and Kurogane just about gives himself whiplash with how sharply he jerks away.

_“Stop.”_

He can hear the shake in his voice. He doesn’t want this, though. Not like this.

And the flick of Fai’s tongue against his neck has him yelping and pushing Fai away, though he doesn’t let go of his wrists. For a moment, Fai just stares up at him. Kurogane can see how glassy his eyes are. Then, Fai swallows, and his lips twist into something that’s almost a smirk.

“Playing coy now, Kuro-pon?”

It’s about an octave lower than it normally is, and Kurogane is helpless to the way his face heats.

But, more than that, though, this is all just… sad. What happened to Fai to make him like this?

“You – you literally _just_ finished telling me this was over –”

“Changed my –”

 _“And_ you’re drunk. Come back when you’re –”

“You really do know how to complicate things, don’t you?”

There’s still a bit of a slur there, but something under it just sounds… a bit lost, maybe. And Fai’s eyes are glazed, sure, but Kurogane thinks he can see something that looks like hurt, there.

And he should be getting mad, probably. He’s not exactly the only one who’s _complicating things_ , here.

He’s not mad, though. He’s just – he’s tired. He’s so, _so_ tired, and he’s _sick_ of them fighting.

“Yeah, well. Once you’re sober –”

“I didn’t mean – I’m not talking about right _now._ I meant – hell, everything you do, it’s…”

He trails off, looking even more lost, suddenly; and Kurogane’s heart is hurting.

“Fai…”

“You just – this was supposed to be _easy._ It was supposed to – to be – _fun_ , and simple, and –”

“I didn’t mean –”

“But then you – you just – why’d you have to go and try to take care of me?”

His voice cracks on it, and he’s still staring up at him, eyes wide, like he’s trying to understand.

And Kurogane feels like Fai’s reached right into his chest and twisted.

“I -”

“You barely even _know_ me. Why do you even _care –”_

“Well, maybe I like the little that I do know.”

He realizes it’s a mistake, as soon as he says it.

But Fai doesn’t try to pull away. Just keeps standing there and staring at him, bright-eyed and lost and like he has no idea what to do. And Kurogane loosens the grip on his wrists, a bit, even as his heart starts pounding even harder.

Why isn’t Fai running away?

“Kuro-tan…”

“Besides, I don’t like to see someone hurting.”

“But –”

“And, well, I… I know a thing or two, maybe, about, um… about running from something. And I know that it doesn’t work. You can only run for so long, before you just… can’t, anymore.”

He makes his stomach twist, just saying it – he’d forgotten, apparently, what it was like to make himself vulnerable – and Fai just stares at him some more until he tries to drop his face down to Kurogane’s chest; and Kurogane lets him. Drops his wrists, and puts his hands on Fai’s back, instead, keeping it as a gentle as he can as Fai leans against him, his breathing soft against his chest.

“I’m sorry you understand, too.”

Fai’s voice is barely audible, and Kurogane has to take a breath before he can speak.

“Thanks.”

It’s not an adequate response, probably. But what more can Kurogane can say?

And he’s not sure how long they stay like that until Fai slides his arms around him, too. How long they just kind of stand there, pressed together, not saying anything, as Fai buries his face deeper into his chest and tightens his grip around him, like he can’t get close enough; and it hits him, suddenly, that this is a bad idea. That Kurogane _really_ shouldn’t be permitting this.

He’s pretty sure that Fai’s going to be angrier that Kurogane let him get away with affection, right now, than he would be if Kurogane had sex with him. Fai’s clinging to him like he never wants to move, though; and Kurogane’s stomach twists again. He really needs to push him away.

“Look, how about we just –”

“And I’m sorry I… came over here, like I did.”

He tenses, though, as soon as he says it; and Kurogane grits his teeth as he finally manages to untangle them, holding Fai in front of him again as Fai does his best to not look at him.

“It’s fine, just –”

“Guess I’d, um. Gotten used to having you and Mokona nearby.”

He still isn’t looking at him, as he says it; and Kurogane takes a deep breath.

Right. Mokona’s spending the night with Sakura. Which means that Fai was on his own for the first time since their journey started. And maybe Kurogane should have really seen this coming, given that Fai really doesn’t seem to do well with being left alone with only his own head.

“Ya know, if you get lonely –”

“I – I didn’t –”

“You can just say so, you know. And – and I don’t mind you staying, if you stay on your side of the bed. If you wanna go all cuddle monster on me, you can do that when you’re sober, too.”

For a moment, Fai just looks at him like he doesn’t understand at all. Then, he frowns.

“You… you’re inviting me to sleep with you.”

“Well, when you say it like _that_ it sounds –”

Fai’s already moving, though. Sliding out of his housecoat – and there is _nothing_ Kurogane can do about the way his mouth goes dry – and then dropping it over a chair and crawling into Kurogane’s bed like it’s the easiest thing in the world, curling up next to the wall and closing his eyes as he rests his head against one of the pillows; and Kurogane feels a bit shaken, suddenly.

He’s pretty sure he’d been expecting an argument. Apparently there’s not going to be one.

And his entire body feels too hot as he carefully lies down beside Fai, not quite looking at him as he pulls the blanket up over both of them; but, true to their agreement, Fai doesn’t try anything. He just hums in a way that sounds a bit happy, smiling as he snuggles a bit deeper into his pillow.

“You’re sweet, Kuro-rin.”

_And you are mercurial as fuck._

He doesn’t say it, though, of course. But Fai is possibly going to start giving him emotional whiplash, soon, if Kurogane isn’t careful. He’s never seen _anyone_ slingshot so quickly between misery and contentment. And he’s pretty sure it’s not just the damn alcohol, either.

“Yeah, well. Just keep your hands to yourself.”

He can hear the sudden gruffness, to his voice, as Fai opens his eyes to grin at him from across the pillow. And there’s nothing he can do about the flush he can feel spreading across his face.

Great. Of course he chooses _now_ to get embarrassed.

“I promise, Kuro-pon. I’m probably not going to be able to stay awake much longer, anyway.”

He’s still grinning, and he whispers it like it’s a confession; and Kurogane takes a deep breath.

Maybe he’ll figure it out, eventually. Which of Fai’s smiles are genuine, and which are… well. Armour. At the moment, at least, he’s pretty sure that this one is leaning more towards genuine.

He hopes so, anyway. And his stupid throat gets a bit tighter at the thought, which – yeah, wonderful. He wants to make this man happy. Fantastic. Kurogane is in so over his head.

“Mage, the sun is literally an _hour_ from coming up. You’re not _meant_ to be staying awake –”

“Hmm, suddenly grumpy, I see –”

“I – I am _not_ –”

“But alright. I’ll go to sleep. Thank you, Kuro-sama. This is much nicer than sleeping alone.”

And – just like that, Fai’s knocked Kurogane speechless, again.

And all he can do is stare as Fai closes his eyes, relaxing a bit further against his bed; and Kurogane’s chest is doing that horribly stupid achy thing again as he closes his eyes, too.

Somehow, he’s pretty sure that the morning is really going to suck.

\- - -

Fai’s not there when Kurogane wakes up.

It’s probably not a good sign.

And Kurogane takes just enough time to have a shower and find his clothes before he goes downstairs. There’s a giant plate of pancakes on the table, which Sakura and Syaoran and Mokona all appear to be quite enjoying, even as Fai hums and keeps watch over the stove, smiling as he flips some pancakes and then goes back to grinning at the kids, and… his hair is a mess, and there’s flour on his cheek, and he’s wearing a damn apron, and he just looks so _happy._

Like there’s nothing in the world he’d rather be doing than making pancakes for all the kids.

And Kurogane just kind of… stands in the doorway, too frozen to move.

Kurogane had been right, before, after all. Fai had gotten it completely wrong when he’d said that Kurogane wouldn’t even like him, by the time the trip was over.

Judging by the tightness in his chest, it’s already the exact opposite.

He knows that Fai is still lying to him, and he knows that he’s barely scratched the surface of who Fai is, but he wants to know _more._

And it’s Mokona who finally notices him, waving her hands about in welcome.

“Oooh, Kuro-pon! You finally woke up. Fai made us all pancakes!”

“So I see.”

He’s not sure how he gets it out at all.

Fai’s watching him, now, with no hint of what he’s thinking.

And Kurogane… he needs a breather, suddenly. He can’t sit here and eat pancakes if he doesn’t know where he and Fai stand. His skin already feels too tight under the weight of Fai’s stare.

“Save some for me, alright? I… forgot something upstairs.”

“Of course! Mokona won’t eat them all. They will save you at least one.”

She’s grinning at him, now, and Kurogane manages a shaky smile before he turns and walks right back out of the room. Hopefully Sakura and Syaoran will just… brush it off as him being weird, or something. And hopefully Fai will take the hint and follow him up here so they can talk.

\- - -

Fai doesn’t take the hint.

But by the time Kurogane comes back downstairs, Sakura and Syaoran are sitting out on the deck, with Mokona jumping back and forth between them; and Kurogane watches as Fai slides out of the apron and then just… kind of ignores him. As though he actually thinks that Kurogane will just go away like that. And the small distance between them – just a few feet – feels massive.

“So, um –”

“Don’t.”

It’s barely audible, but there’s a hint of steel to it.

Fai still has his back to him, but Kurogane can see how tense his shoulders are.

“I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m not – I won’t be your pet charity project –”

“I – that’s _not_ –”

“– and you’re not my shining knight –”

“I wasn’t _trying_ to –”

“– this isn’t fun, anymore, Kuro-sama. And we sure as hell aren’t each other’s easy distractions.”

He’s still got his back to him. Outside, Kurogane can hear the kids laughing.

Everything feels a bit surreal.

“Fai…”

“I don’t want you, anymore, Kuro-pin. I’m telling you that it’s over. Please respect that.”

His back is still to him, his shoulders set and his hands balled into fists at his sides.

And when Kurogane can’t say anything, Fai eventually turns around, crossing his arms over his chest as he leans back against the wall, looking for all the world like nothing’s happened.

“You’d best get going, you know. Syaoran-kun’s counting on you. And Sakura-chan and I will be just fine keeping watch here.”

He’s smiling at him. Of course he is.

And Kurogane stares back for a moment before he finds his voice.

“Look, if – could we talk some more when I get back, maybe –”

“The conversation’s over, Kuro-pin. There’s nothing else to talk about.”

He’s still smiling. It looks nothing like the way he’d smiled at Kurogane last night.

Go figure that Kurogane would start figuring out the differences just as Fai ends this.

And since there’s nothing left to talk about, Kurogane turns and walks out the door.

Apparently it really is possible to miss something that you never even had.


	6. Edonis, Idol & Shara Country

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (CW for discussion of Fai's suicidal inclinations.)

This is exactly why Kurogane hadn’t wanted to care.

He’s failed them. He’s failed them so completely, after vowing to keep them safe.

Now is the time to not feel, though. He’s good at not feeling, when he needs to be.

And he doesn’t quite know what’s going on. He doesn’t know why the world just dissolved around him, or why he’s somewhere completely new. And he doesn’t know exactly who this man is, but he knows that he killed Fai and Syaoran; and Kurogane is going to kill him now, too.

It won’t bring them back. He knows that that’s never how it works.

But he’s going to kill this man, anyway.

\- - -

Kurogane’s still not feeling much of anything by the time they land in Idol Country.

Fai’s laughing like nothing’s happened, smiling and carrying on with Mokona. Sakura and Syaoran are nowhere to be found, but Syaoran’s alive, at least, Kurogane _knows_ that he’s alive.

“Thanks to that, Syaoran and Kuro-ron both have swords!”

And – Fai’s grinning as he says it, as though that’s the most interesting thing at hand, here.

As though he wasn’t dead less than an hour ago.

He’s acting like nothing’s changed, and Kurogane can’t quite handle the surrealism of it.

Before he can say anything, though, there’s the sound of Sakura yelling; and then they’re running again.

\- - - 

Things don’t finally slow down until they’re sequestered away in Souseki’s mansion.

Fai and Kurogane get their own wing, apparently. Two bedrooms, and a sitting area. The room has a couple of couches and a bunch of tapestries, along with carpets that cover most of the floor.

And Kurogane can feel the numbness wearing off, finally. He’s not sure if it’s a good thing.

“Hmm, and neat paintings, too.”

Fai’s been wandering around for maybe five minutes, now. Commenting on everything, and barely looking at Kurogane the entire time. Kurogane’s not even sure why he’s still here. He’d have expected Fai to make a beeline for his own bedroom as soon as their host left them alone.

Kurogane’s glad he hasn’t, though, no matter how surreal it is to watch Fai go on like nothing’s happening. Like Fai wasn’t _dead_ a few hours ago.

Kurogane has no idea what this man is thinking, and it’s _maddening._

More than that, though, the bone-deep relief is enough to make him nauseated.

Fai’s okay. He’s okay, and Syaoran’s okay, too. That’s all that really matters here.

Except – except that neither of them should have died. And part of that’s on Kurogane.

But he’s pretty sure, too, that Fai might not have fought quite as hard as he should have.

“I must say, I didn’t expect the wing to be quite _this_ grand –”

“You don’t have to put on a show, right now, you know, if you don't want to.”

He bites his tongue, as soon as he says it. Great. Going on the offensive right from the start. If there’s anything that’s going to scare Fai off, it’s that. And when Fai goes still, Kurogane is definitely expecting him to bolt.

He doesn’t, though. Instead, he just stares at Kurogane, and then drops his eyes.

“What is it with you, Kuro-pon? You’re like a dog with the bone. You just won’t –”

“Hey, that’s not –”

“You just won’t quit. What the hell is it about me that’s got you so damn fixated?”

He’s still not looking at Kurogane. He looks really tired, suddenly. And Kurogane swallows.

“I don’t know.”

Because he doesn’t. It’s been weeks. Barely any time. And Fai’s probably had about three honest conversations with him in that entire time. Kurogane doesn’t know why he cares this much.

He just does. And when Fai looks at him, he’s not smiling.

“Kuro-ron –”

“All I know is that part of you’s been itching to die, and you finally did. And now you’re back. And somehow I think that might be fucking with you a little bit more than you’re letting on.”

He makes his own stomach hurt, just saying it. And when Fai goes noticeably paler, Kurogane takes a step closer. He’s not sure what he’s doing, but he knows that he needs to try. He’d tried walking away, tried giving Fai space, before – and Fai had died. Kurogane’s not letting it happen again.

“And if you don’t wanna talk about it, believe me, I’ll get that. But that’s not the –”

“Did you ever think that the way I am is my way of holding it together, and that you’re only making things worse?”

There’s that hint of steel, again. And Kurogane opens his mouth, and then closes it.

“You keep _poking_ at things I’m not ready to deal with –”

“You _died,_ mage. You – did you even _try_ to –”

“No, I didn’t use my magic. And – and, yes, that - that got me killed. That’s none of your –”

“It _is_ my business when you were in charge of keeping Sakura and Mokona safe!”

He can’t help the way his voice raises. And when Fai just glares at him, Kurogane tries to steady his breathing. There’s no way for Fai to argue with that one, and Kurogane needs him to get that.

“And _that’s_ part of why I keep _poking._ Your decisions affect all of us. Not just –”

“Oh, of course, because why would you still be trying to _save_ me if it was just me who –”

“I’m not trying to _save_ you, dammit. I’m trying to be your _friend.”_

He realizes the truth of it, as soon as he says it. Because that’s what this is. He likes Fai, and he’s attracted to him, and he wants to keep him safe, and he also just wants to… be around him. He wants to be someone that Fai feels like he can trust. He wants Fai to think of him as a friend.

And when Fai stares at him and then stares at the floor, Kurogane wants to wrap his arms around him.

“Why?”

His voice is horribly soft, like Kurogane’s finally gotten through to him, maybe; and Kurogane needs to… he really needs to not fuck this up. He needs to put himself on the line, here.

“Because you – because you’re nice to everyone. Because you like making pancakes for those kids, and you enjoy stupid board games, and you brought me a blanket when I was cold, and –”

“You like someone who doesn’t exist.”

Fai’s eyes have gone really wide. And he keeps going before Kurogane can say anything.

“If you had any idea of the things that I’ve done –”

“That’s not –”

“I’m… I’m not a good person, Kuro-pon. I – I _never_ have been. In fact, I’m – if you knew –”

“Oh, what, you’re the only one with a dark history?”

There’s a wave of nausea, as he says it. But – maybe if he’s honest, it’ll help, here.

Because - this conversation is probably only happening because of what happened today. This might be his only chance to actually get through to Fai, and... god, Kurogane doesn't _want_ to give up on this man. What is it about him that makes him feel so damn _protective?_

“Kuro-rin –”

“I was _banished_ because I kept killing people. You – you’re traveling with someone who – I have _so_ much blood on my hands, I can’t even begin to – and you deserve to know that, because –”

“Somehow I can’t see you hurting anyone who didn’t deserve –”

“You don’t _know_ that.”

“But – but surely –”

“And that’s not even the _point._ All I mean is – did you ever think that maybe I _get_ it? That I get what it’s like to – to run, and feel alone, and – I had someone pull me back, when that’s where I was, and… is it really so hard to think that I might want to be that person for you, too?”

For a second, he thinks that he’s actually pushed too hard, this time.

But Fai’s still not running. He looks speechless, but he’s not running. And Kurogane feels his face flush, a sudden wave of embarrassment flooding over him. But he really needs to say this.

“And – of _course_ I’d still be trying to keep you safe even if the kids weren’t around. You’re worth more than just your role as their _protector,_ even if you can’t see it.”

His voice is doing something stupid, by the time he finishes. And Fai is _still_ just staring at him; and Kurogane grits his teeth, because… he’s still not done, here. He really needs to say this now.

“And I just – look, I’m offering to be your friend, okay? Let’s stop – dancing around each other, and – um, jumping each other, and then trying to backtrack, and – let’s just stop all that, and –”

“You’re offering to be my friend.”

Fai sounds absolutely incredulous, suddenly. And Kurogane feels his face flush even worse.

Right. He _really_ doesn’t like making himself vulnerable like this.

But it’s Fai. He has to try.

“Yes. And – and nothing more. No more… flirting, and… and all of that. I just –”

“You… want to be my friend.”

_“Yes.”_

Fai’s still just staring at him, like he can’t believe what he’s hearing; and Kurogane’s skin is suddenly crawling, a new wave of embarrassment making him flush even worse.

This was a stupid idea. He’s putting himself on the line, and Fai’s just going to shoot him down, anyway.

And then Fai’s eyes drop back down to the floor, and Kurogane tries to take a deep breath.

“Look, I’m just saying –”

“You know, Kuro-pon. That very first night I met you, I’m actually pretty sure I told you that I wasn’t looking for a friend.”

Fai’s still not looking at him, and Kurogane feels his stomach tighten.

Right. He’s _such_ an idiot. He should have known that this wouldn’t work. He should have _never_ –

“Should have known that you’d eventually see right through that, too.”

Fai’s still staring at the floor, and it takes a second for the words to process.

Then, Kurogane’s throat goes really tight.

“Fai…”

"I... wouldn't be much of a friend, Kuro-tan. You're much better off without -"

"Yeah, well, somehow I doubt that." 

He doesn't quite get it out as gently as he'd hoped - it's pretty horribly gruff, actually  - but it's true. And he can't spend the rest of this trip fighting with Fai, as well. It's not fair to either of them.

Besides, the fact that Fai doesn't seem to think that he deserves a friend is just... sad. Maybe, this way, Kurogane can finally get it through his skull that he's worth caring about.

And Fai just keeps staring at him - looking like Kurogane's asked something impossible of him, maybe, but like he's thinking of trying, anyway - before he sucks in a deep breath, and then lets it out again.

“I... offer accepted, then. I can’t promise much, though. I don’t exactly have much practice at, um…”

He trails off, his lips thinning as he keeps staring at the floor, and Kurogane really wants to tug him close, suddenly; because he’s pretty sure he gets what Fai is getting at. And that makes two of them.

“I don’t have much practice at... this, either. I’m… we’ll just… figure it out, I guess?”

Fuck. _Fuck,_ he’s so awkward. There’s no way he’s making this conversation any better.

But Fai’s lips twitch, as he looks at him again; and Kurogane thinks it might even be genuine.

“I – alright. I guess we will. I, um. I need to ask, though. Could you not… could you stop, um –”

“Poking so much?”

He feels his lips twist as he says it, and when Fai nods, Kurogane takes a moment to consider it, because – this entire situation is _so_ messy. He needs Fai to be comfortable around him, but he also needs the kids to be safe. Maybe… maybe he can find some kind of middle-ground, though.

“I can’t promise anything where the kids are concerned – as far as keeping them safe, I mean. I don’t understand why you won’t use your magic, and… we’re bound to clash over that, again.”

Fai’s little smile is gone, now; and Kurogane risks taking a step closer, though his knees are a bit rubbery. He’s not going to lie to Fai about that, though. He wouldn’t be much of a friend if he did.

“But I – other than that, I’ll try not to – poke at anything you’re not ready to deal with. I can promise that much, at least. I don’t want you to feel like you always have to have your guard up around me. That would – well. Kind of defeat the purpose of this whole, um – of this…”

“Of this whole friendship thing?”

Fai’s lips are twitching, again, suddenly. And Kurogane’s face is going really, _really_ hot.

“Hey, shut up, okay? You – you _agreed_ to this, too, so that means both of us are –”

“Accomplices in this whole, um, friendship thing?”

_“Mage –”_

“You’re cute when you blush, you know.”

He’s grinning even more, now. As though all the misery of their earlier conversation has been forgotten. And Kurogane feels like he’s going to get emotional whiplash again; but it’s hard to care when he somehow feels… _happy,_ suddenly. Because he’s pretty sure that’s a genuine smile.

Still. There is something he needs to address, here.

“We – look, you – you – we literally _just_ agreed to _not_ hit on each other anymore –”

“Ah, right, sorry. That’ll be a hard habit to break.”

_“Mage –”_

“But you were right. More than anything, I…. I think maybe I do need a friend, right now, so – yeah. No more… flirting, or whatever.”

He’s back to look at anything that isn’t Kurogane, and Kurogane takes a deep breath.

This is better than he was expecting, at least. Much better, even.

Fai's biting his lip, though. Looking like he doesn't want to admit something, but that he's doing to do it, anyway.

“And... and you were right, too, about today. I don’t want to talk about it, but –”

“Being alone would be shitty right now?”

Fai nods, though he doesn’t look happy about it; and Kurogane takes a deep breath. That explains why Fai hadn’t bee-lined it for his room, at least. And Kurogane’s not sure exactly what Fai needs right now, but maybe Kurogane can finally provide some kind of distraction, at least.

“Well, we can’t look for the kids until tomorrow. They can’t be far, though, given that we can understand each other. So why don’t we just… well, Souseki’s men _did_ leave us some wine, so –”

“I think I like the way you think, Kuro-ron.”

That grin is back, and Fai’s eyes look a bit brighter; and Kurogane swallows as he rolls his eyes and turns away, suddenly grateful for a reason to not look at Fai. The wine’s in his room. He can go get it, and take a moment to breathe. He needs a moment to just… get himself together again.

But he barely makes it to the door before Fai’s voice stops him.

“And, um, Kuro-sama?”

“Yeah?”

He turns around, as he says it. Just in time to watch Fai blink at him, and then bite his lip.

“Um. Just… thank you.”

Somehow, it sounds like the most genuine thing that Fai’s ever said.

And there’s nothing Kurogane can do about the horrible, _horrible_ flutter in his stomach.

“Any time, mage.”

It’s a miracle that he says anything at all. And then he turns and leaves as quickly as he can. Doesn’t stop until he’s in his room; and then he carefully closes the door behind him, leaning against the wall and closing his eyes, even as his stomach continues to flutter uncomfortably.

Great. Fai gives him fucking butterflies.

Kurogane doesn’t even remember the last time that happened.

And of course it’s the guy that he more or less just strong-armed into being _just friends_ with.

Still. He’s pretty sure that that’s what Fai needs most, right now.

And if that’s what Fai needs, then Kurogane’s damn butterflies really don’t matter at all.

Fai’s alive. He’s alive, and nothing matters more than that.

And Kurogane is damn well never going to let him die again.


	7. Yama

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, thank you so much to everyone who's been so supportive while I've been writing this. Tis very appreciated. :) 
> 
> And secondly, the Yama portion of this fic will be... four chapters? Five? Probably five, haha. But yeah. It's gonna be a bit of a rough ride, but there will be some happy bits, I promise.
> 
> (CW for angst, tears, Fai's general mental state [depression & suicidal inclinations], and conscripted military service.)

Kurogane’s pretty sure there’s a pit where his stomach used to be.

Because Fai is talking, and Kurogane _can’t understand him._

His voice sounds the same as always. The words just don’t make sense.

And whatever his face it doing, it makes Fai pause, his eyebrows pulling together.

“Kuro-pon?”

That, at least, sounds mostly the same. It doesn’t make Kurogane feel any better.

“I can’t understand you.”

For a moment, Fai just stares at him.

Then, he goes incredibly pale, swallowing as he puts a hand on Kurogane’s arm and starts glancing around them. Whatever he says next, Kurogane can’t understand him. And Kurogane grits his teeth as he moves a bit closer to Fai, putting a hand on his sword and looking around.

This isn’t happening.

They’re not supposed to be here alone. Whatever world they’re in now – what if Mokona isn’t here, somehow? What if they’re trapped here? There’s nothing but sand and cliffs, all around them, with Fai holding on tight to his arm like he’s afraid to let go; and Kurogane takes a breath.

He can’t panic now. Mokona and the kids are here. He and Fai just need to find them.

“Kuro-rin…”

“I know.”

Because he does. He gets it. They’re trapped, and they can’t even _talk_ to each other.

How did they get here, though? If they’re here, then surely the others must be in this world, too?

“Kuro.”

There’s an edge of tension there, suddenly. And Kurogane already has his sword out by the time the soldiers start pouring out from the sand dunes. Fai’s not holding on to him, now. He has his knives out, resting between his fingers. Kurogane’s very aware of how hard his heart is beating.

Bad. This is very, very bad.

And when one of the soldiers moves towards Fai, Kurogane immediately steps between them.

“Don’t.”

It's enough to make the solider take a step back, but he and Fai are completely surrounded, at this point. He can feel Fai’s back against his, ready to protect from that side. But Kurogane’s not sure if he and Fai can win against this many, though. There are at least sixty of them, and they’re on all sides, and they’re all heavily armed.

But –

No. This isn’t going to end like this. Kurogane won’t let it.

And then the soldier frowns, his hand still resting on the hilt of his sword.

“You speak our language?”

The tension in Kurogane doesn’t subside, but – maybe – there’s just the tiniest flutter of hope.

Because – no, not exactly. But it’s incredibly, amazingly similar. Enough that Kurogane understands.

Maybe he can still talk them out of this.

“I do. We’re not enemies. We just arrived –”

“Our orders are to imprison any strangers that –”

“Give us a chance. Let us prove –”

“It’s not my decision. But I can take you to the people in charge.”

The man still has his hand on his sword, and Kurogane can feel how thick the air is.

Decision. He needs to make a decision.

Go with them to their base, or fight them right here and now.

And it’s not just his own life at stake, here. He’s holding Fai’s life in his hands, too.

Hell, how did it ever come to this?

_Mokona, where are you?_

It’s useless, though. Nobody is going to swoop in and save them. This is Kurogane’s decision.

“We’ll go with you.”

It’s not much of a choice, after all. Fighting them here would be a bloodbath.

And when the man nods and jerks his head as he starts walking, going back to join the rest of his soldiers, Kurogane is very aware of how he and Fai end up still surrounded by everyone as Kurogane starts walking, his heart doing something awful when Fai follows without a word of protest. Kurogane dares a glance in his direction, to find Fai pale but with his lips pressed firmly together; and when Fai looks at him, Kurogane steps closer, his heart still doing that awful thing.

“I know you can’t understand me. But I’m going to try to get us out of this, alright?”

He tries to keep it as soft as he can. Maybe Fai will get something of it in his tone, at least.

And when Fai stares at him and then nods, before he goes back to watching the people around them, Kurogane tightens his grip on his sword, glad to see that Fai’s still holding his knives, too.

Kurogane _has_ to talk their way out of this, though. He’s not willing to let them die in some stupid desert, at the hands of a bunch of random soldiers. He’s going to get them through this alive.

\- - -

They’re given a tent near the edge of the encampment.

There are two cots, an old table, a jug of water, and a few blankets. Considering that Kurogane had been ready to fight to stop them from being put in a prison cell, it’s practically a miracle.

Fai can’t know that, though. He can’t have understood Kurogane’s earlier conversation with the people in charge. Turns out that one of the main commanders of the army had actually been willing to listen to him, and Kurogane had managed to convince her to give them a chance.

Of course, he’d had to sign Fai and him up for a war to make it happen.

Fuck. _Fuck._

“Kuro-sama.”

Fai’s still very, very pale, and he’s so tense he looks like he’s vibrating, standing there in the middle of their tent, with his eyes a bit wide and his knives still clutched in between his fingers.

And Kurogane has… no idea how to explain everything to him.

They’re technically still prisoners. Conscripted prisoners, at that.

Kurogane’s signed them up for a war, and he doesn’t even know what they’re fighting for.

“Goddammit.”

He feels too small for his skin, suddenly. And when Fai says something that sounds clipped, Kurogane sighs and kneels down to the grungy dirt floor. It’s not paper, but it will have to do.

And it takes Kurogane just a minute, or so, to scratch out a drawing. It’s nothing fancy. Two stick people, both holding swords, with metal chains wrapped around their ankles; and he waits until Fai’s stared at it for a moment before he scratches in a few more soldiers, all facing the same way as the first two. Hopefully, it will convey that they’re all going to be fighting together.

And from the way Fai just stares at it and then nods, he does get it.

He also looks pretty miserable about it, though, and Kurogane has to fight the urge to hug him.

He’s not even pretending to be happy, right now; and Kurogane’s not exactly surprised.

This is… this is different. This is something that neither of them signed up for.

And it’s not like he hasn’t killed people before. Of course he has. It’s how he got into this whole damn mess in the first place. But he’s only ever killed people who were trying to kill Tomoyo, or who’d been trying to kill his fellow soldiers. He’d only ever protected people who needed to be protected. That’s different than being forced to fight for a cause he doesn’t even understand.

Hell, can he even fight, with the way he is now? A battlefield won’t allow him the luxury of fighting to injure. If he ends up having to kill people, and then he ends up just getting weaker because of it… it’s a thought that makes his skin crawl, and he carefully takes a deep breath.

Maybe it won’t come to that. Maybe they can make it out of here.

Maybe he and Fai won’t have to kill people with no understanding of why they’re even fighting.

For now, though, he needs to make sure Fai’s going to be able to keep it together, here.

“Fai.”

His name must be the same, at least. Because Fai looks up at him, still looking pretty miserable. And Kurogane sheathes his sword in favour of putting his hands on Fai’s elbows; and he opens his mouth to say something – he’s not sure what, but it probably doesn’t even matter – when Fai just shakes his head and leans forward until his forehead is resting against Kurogane’s shoulder.

For a moment, everything inside Kurogane flares way too hot.

Then, he takes a breath, and wraps his arms around Fai, tugging him in even closer.

“Idiot. Of course you’d go and be affectionate as soon as we can’t fucking talk.”

All he gets is an unhappy little mutter in response, even as Fai slides his arms around him, too; and Kurogane closes his eyes and just holds on tight, his heart starting to beat way, way too hard.

They’re going to get out of this. Kurogane’s not sure how, but they’re going to. They have to.

\- - -

He’s not sure what he was expecting, but another soldier shows up not long after that.

She’s probably a bit younger than Kurogane, but she’s almost as tall as him. And she’s barely stepped into the tent before both Fai and Kurogane are facing her, their hands on their weapons.

And Kurogane’s not quite expecting her to snort.

“There’s still an entire army out there, you know.”

“We are very aware of that.”

Fai’s looking between them, his expression tight; and Kurogane gets it, suddenly. Why Fai’s not trying to smile and charm his way out of this. Without words, he’s lost one of his best weapons.

It’s not a pleasant thought, but Kurogane doesn’t take his eyes off the woman in front of him. Just kind of watches as she watches them both, before she just shrugs, and turns away from them.

“Follow me. We need soldiers, but we’re not cruel. I’ll show you where everything is.”

She leaves as soon as she says it; and Kurogane glances at Fai before he follows, aware that Fai’s doing the same. The more they know, the greater the chances of them getting through this alive.

\- - -

Kurogane’s not sure he was expecting to happen, after that.

The next two weeks – Kurogane knows, because he’s been counting the days – are relatively uneventful. They’re not called into battle, at least; though they make damn sure that they’re ready, in case they are. Fai manages to get across that he needs arrows and a bow, to go along with his knives – and Kurogane’s not sure how Fai picked up that skill, but he’s damn glad that he did – and Kurogane’s sword is always ready, of course. And they know, too, now, where to bathe, and how to access food and supplies. For prisoners, they’re being treated incredibly well.

It helps, a bit. Kurogane’s still not sure what they’re fighting for, but at least the commanders seem decent enough. It’s about the only silver lining in this entire shitshow. That, and the fact that they’re still breathing, of course. They’re trapped, and they’re lost – but they’re not dead, at least.

Everything has to be worse for Fai, though. Because at least Kurogane can talk to the people around him, even if sometimes it takes some doing. At least he’s not just left alone with his own head.

One of Fai’s worst nightmares, as far as Kurogane can tell. And now he’s living it.

And Kurogane’s not surprised when Fai pretty much stays glued to his side all the time. He keeps talking, too. Even though Kurogane can’t understand him, Fai keeps acting like he can; and Kurogane gets it. Normalcy, or some semblance of it. He even spots Fai managing a few smiles for the other soldiers, though he doesn’t bother to try when it’s just him and Kurogane. And pretty much the only time they’re not together is when they’re taking turns sleeping. Relatively nice army or not, there’s no damn way they’re going to sleep without keeping watch.

And he’s not sure what he was expecting, either, with them sharing a tent. With how horribly attracted he is to Fai, he’d have thought it would be difficult, but… it’s like they’re both just too miserable to even care. They manage to give each other privacy, when they’re changing, and it’s like it’s a mutually understand silent agreement to visit the bathing areas separately; but that seems to be the only concession to all their previous weeks of dancing around each other. Fai, certainly, doesn’t once do anything that could be construed as flirting, or showing any kind of interest. And maybe part of it is this place; but Kurogane’s also pretty sure that part of it, too, is that they’re both actually trying to stick to the whole friendship thing. Fai’s still unfairly attractive, of course, and Kurogane still feels his breath catch, sometimes, just looking at him; but Kurogane had promised him a friend, and he’s damn well going to stick to that, especially now.

And then, on their fifteenth day there, Kurogane wakes up with Fai leaning over him, the way he has all the nights before, so that he can wake Kurogane up for his shift; and then Kurogane promptly sits up and grabs Fai’s arms, his heart racing when all Fai does is keep staring at him.

“Kuro-pon?”

The tent is only lit by a candle, but it’s enough.

There are thin lines of black tracing through Fai’s eyes.

And Kurogane’s barely opened his mouth before Fai freezes, and then puts a hand on Kurogane’s face, his eyes wide as he stares him; and Kurogane feels the realization rattle through him.

“Me too, huh.”

Fai doesn’t say anything. Just keeps staring at him. And when Kurogane carefully taps his finger against the side of Fai’s eye, he knows that Fai gets it, because his expression twists even further; and Kurogane doesn’t know what’s happening, but they can’t afford to panic. And when Fai growls something and starts pacing, Kurogane grits his teeth and takes a moment to just breathe.

This is insane. This entire world, all that’s happening to them – it’s _insane._

And by morning Fai’s eyes are completely black. From the way Fai’s staring at him, Kurogane’s are probably the same. And he’s not sure what he was expecting; but when he says Fai’s name, Fai just shakes his head and gets to his feet, not even trying to say anything as he leaves the tent.

It’s the first time he’s willingly left Kurogane’s side – even when they’ve gone to the river to bathe, they’ve gone together, and then took turns while the other stood aside and waited – and Kurogane lets him go.

They can’t stay together all the time, after all. Not if this is… a long-term situation.

Which it looks like it might be.

The thought makes him skin crawl, and he rolls onto his stomach and buries his face in his arms.

Conscripted prisoners, unable to even talk to each other, stranded in this world, with no idea of where the others are; and now their eyes have apparently gone black.

Kurogane’s been in a lot of horrid situations, but this is pretty high up there.

And it only gets worse when Fai doesn’t come back.

Kurogane gives him maybe a couple of hours, and then he goes looking for him. Nobody seems to have seen him, though. And the daylight’s fading by the time he finally, finally finds him, sitting on the edge of a cliff and shivering. His legs aren’t hanging over the side, but the way he has his knees to his chest and his arms wrapped around them can’t be all that balanced; and something inside Kurogane goes shaky as he carefully steps up beside him, moving slowly until he’s sitting beside him. Fai doesn’t look at him, though. Just keeps staring off the damn cliff.

And Kurogane’s heart is beating way too hard.

Go figure that, just when they needs words the most, they no longer have them. They were finally leaning how to communicate – and now they have to somehow learn all over again.

“I know you’re scared.”

He sounds like he’s been chewing on gravel, and Fai’s not going to understand him, anyway. This is probably a lost cause, but Kurogane’s already decided that he’s not giving up on this man. And when Fai finally looks at him, Kurogane has to breathe through how black his eyes are.

Yeah. Yeah, that’s going to take some getting used to.

“I need you to keep it together, though, because we’re all we have now, and the only way we’re going to make it through this –”

He’s not expecting Fai to just get up and walk away.

Just like that.

Without a word, or a touch, or – anything. He just stands up and leaves.

It’s as clear of a dismissal as if Fai were screaming at him.

And Kurogane just sits and gapes for a second before the wave of anger has his teeth grinding and his hands clenching into fists, even as he closes his eyes and just tries to keep breathing.

“This really isn’t the time for your shit, mage.”

His voice sounds even more fucked up than it was a second ago; and now he’s talking to himself. Great. And his entire body is still prickling with heat by the time he gets back to his feet.

They’re in the middle of a goddamn war, and Fai’s apparently hit some kind of breaking point – and the anger fades as quickly as it had come, leaving an awful burn of guilt, instead.

Some friend he is. Just when Fai needs him most, probably, and –

Oh.

Kurogane’s scared. That’s what this is.

No wonder it took him so long to put it together. He doesn’t remember the last time he felt this… vulnerable. It’s been years, probably. And Kurogane takes a moment to steady his breathing.

It’s not an excuse. Fear doesn’t give him the right to… well. To get angry, like that. Anyone else would, maybe – because, hell, if there was ever a time for Fai to keep it together, it’s now; because if he falls apart, he could easily get them both killed – but Kurogane’s not everyone else.

He’s getting them both through this alive, even if he has to drag Fai along with him.

\- - -

Fai’s lying on his cot with his back to the door, when Kurogane gets back.

He’s too tense to be asleep, though. And Kurogane makes sure their tent flap is closed behind him before he sits down next to Fai. Just kneels there and waits. Doesn’t try to touch Fai, and doesn’t say a word; and it’s not long before Fai hisses something and rolls around to face him, kneeling there and glaring at Kurogane; but, more than that, he just looks terrified. Kurogane knows what to look for, now – and Fai looks absolutely terrified.

It makes Kurogane’s heart twist as he presses a hand against Fai’s cheek.

He might end up getting cursed right out of the tent, but he has to at least try.

Fai doesn’t start cursing him out, though.

Instead, he just freezes, staring at him; and Kurogane’s careful to keep it gentle as he brushes Fai’s hair of his face, and then reaches down and takes both of Fai’s hands in his. Fai’s eyes have gone really wide; and Kurogane doesn’t bother saying anything. He just keeps his hands gentle.

He’d promised Fai he’d stick with him. And he’s not going back on that.

_You’re stuck with me, you asshole. I’m not going anywhere._

He really needs to figure out how to get this across without words.

And he’s not sure how long they sit like that, with Kurogane’s fingers rubbing against Fai’s hands, and his heart stuck up in his throat. Fai just keeps staring at him, though; and Kurogane eventually feels himself flush, and he takes a moment to just breathe and think over his options.

Fai might not be able to understand words, but maybe Kurogane’s voice will still help.

“You really think that’s all it takes? You try to push me away, and this time I’ll just go?”

He keeps his hands on Fai’s, as he says it. Fai seems completely frozen to the dirt floor.

And Kurogane’s careful as he tightens his grip, hopefully just enough to be noticeable.

“Fai. I’m not going anywhere. So, freak out, throw punches, yell at me, whatever you want. I told you that I wouldn’t bail when things got tough, and like hell am I going anywhere now.”

He knows Fai can’t understand. That not even a word of this will be getting through.

But maybe the sound of Kurogane’s voice, and the press of his hands, will be enough. Maybe the fact that Fai got up and walked away, and that Kurogane followed him – maybe that speaks for itself.

Maybe, even without words, it’s all enough.

And he’s pretty sure that Fai finally does get it, because he suddenly yanks his hands back, but it’s because he’s trying to rub at the tears in his eyes. And Kurogane doesn’t give him time to freak out – he looks mortified _,_ suddenly – before he tries to tug him closer, still keeping his hands gentle.

“C’mere?”

It will sound like a question, at least. And Fai just stares at him, blinking, before he leans in and lets Kurogane hold him, his tears soaking through to Kurogane’s shoulder as he clings to him, curling up against his chest as Kurogane’s arms go around him; and Kurogane lets his eyes slide shut.

“Kuro-pin.”

It’s barely audible. He can feel the way Fai’s shaking. And Kurogane just holds him tighter.

His heart’s beating way too hard, and something inside him feels a bit achy.

That night in Shara, Fai had agreed to be his friend. And the least Kurogane can do is try to make good on that.

“Yeah, that’s right, you big dork. You’re stuck with me. I promise.”

It’s not a promise that he can make, really. They’re in the middle of a war camp, after all.

But there are kids out there who need their help, and Fai damn well deserves another chance to put his life back together, too; and Kurogane has things that he still needs to do, too.

And like hell is Kurogane going to let this desert be their grave.

\- - -

Fai’s not in his arms anymore, when Kurogane wakes up.

It’s probably not a good sign.

They’d fallen asleep like that, as easy as anything.

Despite everything – despite all the weeks they’d danced around each other, despite all the times they’d gotten too close and then scrambled away again – it hadn’t felt weird. It had just felt… natural. Fai had kind of just clung to him until his tears had stopped; and when Kurogane had tried to tug them down on the cot, Fai had just burrowed closer to him and shoved his face against his chest and gone with it.

And maybe part of that, too, is to do with this place. He’s not sure if Fai’s ever been on a battlefield, but Kurogane has, many times. And all the things that people normally hold dear – all the rules that society normally plays by – seem to fade mighty quick, with the threat of death hanging over you at every second of every night and day.

So, yeah. He’s really not all that surprised. Their earlier decision notwithstanding – to be friends, and nothing more – it’s clear that Fai’s getting comfort out of being close to him. And if that’s something that Kurogane can do for him, then he’s certainly happy to try. It might end up driving him crazy, if it becomes a regular thing – no matter how horrible this whole situation is, Kurogane is still human, and the thin press of Fai’s body against his could quickly become a dangerous habit – but if Fai needs someone to hold onto, then Kurogane is damn well going to try.

It’s still probably not a good thing that Fai’s not here, though.

But he’s barely pushed himself into a sitting position – fuck, their sleeping mats are so _thin_ ; his poor aching body’s gotten spoiled by sleeping in beds, recently – when the tent flap opens, and Fai steps back inside, and –

He’s smiling at Kurogane. Soft and sweet and actually genuine.

And Kurogane feels himself flush all the way down his neck, and even back behind his ears.

Shit.

Shit, shit, _shit._

So much for keeping this _friendly._

And it doesn’t help that his damn heart’s beating in way that he’s pretty sure has nothing to do with any kind of physical arousal, and everything to do with how sweetly Fai is smiling at him.

Fuck. _Fuck._

“Um. Hi.”

It’s barely a croak. Maybe he can blame the fact that he just woke up.

His heart is beating very, very hard, though.

And when Fai just grins a bit wider and says something, Kurogane can at least catch one of his stupid nicknames in it, and it just makes him blush a bit harder; but Fai, apparently, is utterly oblivious, as he’s already moving across the tent; and Kurogane takes a moment to be grateful.

Right. Great. Even with everything that’s happening, Fai can still give him butterflies.

He doesn’t have time to hate himself, though, because Fai’s suddenly plonking in front of him. Dumping a whole bunch of items in front of Kurogane’s bed and then carefully lining them all up in a row; and Kurogane, for a moment, wonders if this is all some really damn surreal dream.

Then, Fai points at the boot he’s dropped by the bed; and Kurogane thinks he get it, suddenly.

“Boot.”

He barely says it before Fai’s grinning and pointing at his pillow; and Kurogane can feel himself starting to smile, too. It still feels like his heart is trying to beat clean out of his chest, though.

“Pillow.”

His voice is still a croak. And when Fai reaches over and squeezes his hand, before he goes scrambling to find other things, Kurogane has to bite his lip at the way his fingers are tingling.

Fuck. This… okay.

This is new.

He’s found Fai attractive from the start, sure, and Fai’s always tugged on pretty much every protective instinct that Kurogane has; and, alright, yes, he’s pretty much admitted that he could end up becoming a bit too fond of him, but… but this weird fluttery feeling in his chest – this is new.

He can’t focus on this now, though.

He should probably be more concerned about Fai’s sudden emotional shift, instead. He should _really_ be concerned, actually. Because Fai did that thing, again, where he went from misery to happiness so quickly it’s enough to make Kurogane’s head spin; but maybe it’s just that Kurogane caught him, in time. Maybe, last night, he’d stopped something before it could spiral.

Fai had obviously been about to pull away. Who knows what would have happened after that?

He didn’t, though. Kurogane had fought to keep him, and Fai had let Kurogane do it.

Maybe they’ve dodged weeks of misery and silence. It’s a damn miracle, if that’s the case.

And now Fai’s beaming like the damn sun as he sits himself down beside Kurogane and practically drops Kurogane’s sword in his lap; and Kurogane stares at him, and then swallows hard and looks down.

The irony of it is ridiculous, almost.

Fai uses those damn fake smiles as weapons against the rest of the world; and now, apparently, all it takes is one genuine smile, and Kurogane’s the one who’s completely defenseless.


	8. Yama

It only takes three days for Fai to crash.

In that time, he manages to make friends with the other soldiers, somehow, despite not knowing a word of their language. He even manages to cajole Kiyoko – the solider from the first day, who somehow seems fond of him – into giving him some old scraps of paper; and then he gets to learning everything Kurogane can teach him. There’s no repeat of the night Fai fell asleep in his arms, but he still stays pretty much glued to his side, whenever he’s not out charming the other soldiers – and, really, how does he _do_ that? – or trying to hunt down extra little things for them. By day two there are even two toothbrushes and razors in the tent, along with a pair of old scissors that'll at least be enough to cut through their hair; and Kurogane so grateful for it all that it hurts a bit.

And then Fai crashes. There’s not even an obvious reason for it.

One morning he just can’t drag himself out of bed, and he shakes his head and buries his face in his pillow when Kurogane tries to talk to him; and Kurogane doesn’t want to leave him alone, but he’s pretty sure he should maybe give him some space; and he leaves just long enough to bathe and find them some food. When he comes back with some bread, Fai hasn’t moved at all; and Kurogane sets the food aside, and then sits down beside Fai and rests a hand on his shoulder.

He’s not expecting the way Fai’s hand slips out from under the blankets to wrap around his wrist.

And Kurogane doesn’t need words to understand what Fai’s getting at, when he tries to tug Kurogane closer; and Kurogane carefully eases himself under the blanket and wraps his arms around Fai, not missing how badly he’s shivering as he buries his face against Kurogane’s chest. It’s just like three nights ago; and Kurogane should have known that this wouldn’t last. Maybe he’d given Fai a bit of a boost, that night; but he’s not surprised that it wasn’t enough. And he’s barely finished tightening his grip around Fai when Fai shudders and tries to press even closer.

“Sorry.”

His voice cracks, on it. And his accent distorts it, a bit; but it’s clear enough.

Kurogane’s probably going to regret teaching him that word.

And he just shakes his head and presses his face into Fai’s hair.

“It’s okay.”

Fai knows ‘okay’, at least. Maybe it’ll be enough.

Based on the way Fai’s still shaking against him, it’s probably not.

\- - -

Things go rapidly downhill from there.

Fai tries. Kurogane knows that he does. Some days, he spends hiding in their tent, curled up under his blankets; but, on better days, he keeps trying. He learns whatever words he can, and he takes on basic tasks around the camp, and he tries to get to know the other soldiers. There’s even a morning when Kurogane finds Fai siting outside Kiyoko’s tent and braiding her hair, like the two of them have been friends for years; and Kurogane’s grateful for it, even as he turns and walks away, wanting to give them their space. Anything that can distract Fai is a good thing.

And they only get called into battle twice. It’s a damn miracle. And both times their squadron doesn’t even end up in the fight. Kiyoko explains that there’s a bit of a stalemate, right now; and Kurogane can’t even believe how lucky they are. The less fighting they have to do, the better.

But none of that changes the fact that Fai is fading.

And he stops letting Kurogane try to help, too. Kurogane has no idea what he’s thinking, and, without words, there’s only so much he can do. Fai stops letting Kurogane touch him, and he never ends up in Kurogane’s arms again, and he goes from being around Kurogane all the time, to very obviously being around him as little as possible; and Kurogane doesn’t know what to _do._

It doesn’t help, either, that Fai’s not the only one who’s hurting.

Because Kurogane is one of the strongest people he knows. He has been, for a long time.

But that also means that he knows his weakness better than most. And this place is getting to him.

He’s lonely. Fai is right there, but he’ll hardly even look at Kurogane; and it’s like whatever closeness they’d been building is gone. He’s right there, but he might as well be worlds away. And Kurogane should know better than to be hurt by it, but… it still hurts. It shouldn’t, but it does.

And Sakura and Syaoran and Mokona could be anywhere. There still hasn’t been a single sign of them. They could be hurt, or – or – and Kurogane just feels so _helpless._ He does whatever he can – tries to gather information whenever possible – but nobody seems to know anything; and Kurogane doesn’t know how to protect any of them. He doesn’t know how to find the kids, and he doesn’t know how to pull Fai back to him.

And, before he knows it, three of the worst months of his life have passed.

Between the constant fear that one day Fai’s just going to walk into the desert and not come back, and the constant guilt over losing the kids, and the ever-deepening awareness that they truly could be stuck here forever, well – even Kurogane has his limits.

The nights are too long and too dark, and the silences between him and Fai just keep growing, and the days are often mind-numbingly boring, but always laced with the ever-present feeling that this entire horrible world is crushing down on them, trying to grind him and Fai into the desert sand; and Kurogane knows that it’s all getting to him. And the three-month anniversary of their arrival finds him sitting on the same cliff ledge Fai had found before, his legs crossed and his entire body hurting, and – in addition to everything else, he’s been also gradually trying to deal with the realization that, if they never find Mokona, then he’ll never see his home again.

If they never find Mokona and the kids, he’ll be stuck here until he dies.

And he’ll never, ever make it back home.

And if his eyes are a bit damp, well, he’s certainly not going to feel bad about it. He’s the one who told Syaoran that tears are part of being strong. That, no matter what the situation is, it’s easier to deal with after you’ve cried. He’d be a hypocrite if he didn’t actually believe it.

And he just sits there, silent,  feeling the tears on his cheeks, everything inside him cracking a bit.

He doesn’t know how to fix _any_ of this. He needs to come up with some kind of new plan.

Because they’re still trapped, and Fai is fading, and the kids are lost, and home is so, _so_ far away.

And Kurogane desperately needs a new plan to get them out of this.

He’s not giving up. Of course he’s not. He just needs to find new ways to approach all of this.

It’s only the sound of a footstep behind him that yanks him back.

And when he turns his head, Fai is standing there, staring at him. The moonlight’s gotten stuck in his hair, again, and he looks surprised, like he hadn’t expected Kurogane to be there; and then his eyes widen, and Kurogane remembers the tears in his eyes. Great. Just what he needed.

He’s not going to be embarrassed about this, though. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.

“What, did you think you were the only one who had emotions, or something?”

His voice is a bit hoarse, and he knows that he’s glaring.

Fai’s just staring at him, still wide-eyed, and Kurogane eventually rolls his eyes and turns away, raising a hand to wipe his face off; and, okay, so maybe he’s a little embarrassed. There’s a difference between seeing the value in tears, and crying in front of an audience; and maybe Kurogane’s not so keen on that last one. And the pit in his stomach is making it hard to breathe.

Stupid. Stupid fucking awful timing. And now Fai will probably just leave, again, like he always –

Kurogane’s not expecting the hands on his shoulders.

Everything inside him goes still; and then he feels Fai kneel behind him, his arms sliding around him as he buries his face in Kurogane’s shoulder; and Kurogane’s heartbeat jumps out of rhythm.

“What – what are you doing?”

It doesn’t sound right. It almost sounds panicked.

And when Fai just squeezes him tighter, Kurogane just… closes his eyes and leans into it.

Oh, god.

Oh, _god,_ he’s missed this.

“Kuro-pon.”

It’s barely audible, with how hard Fai has his face pressed into his shoulder.

And Kurogane swallows and puts his hands over Fai’s arms, squeezing his eyes shut tighter.

He should be angry, probably. Hell, he should be livid. Months of nothing and now – this.

But he can feel Fai shaking, and Kurogane just… he never wants Fai to let him go again.

“Sorry.”

It’s just as cracked as it had been, that night, months ago; and Kurogane’s stupid heart does something ridiculous. His entire body doesn’t feel right, actually. He feels like he’s floating.

And Fai’s still talking.

“Sorry, I – I sorry, I –”

“It’s okay, just –”

“I –”

“Fai, it’s –”

“I will… better. I will better, I…”

He trails off, though, holding Kurogane a bit tighter; and Kurogane swallows, hard.

Do better, maybe? Try harder? Stop making Kurogane go through this horrible experience alone?

And then there’s another broken mutter of _sorry,_ and Kurogane finally opens his eyes.

He can’t be angry. He should be, maybe. But he can’t.

And when he tries to turn, it’s only so that he can actually look at Fai; but Fai instantly pulls away, ending up rocking back on his knees and staring at Kurogane; and Kurogane’s barely opened his mouth before Fai swallows and looks down, staring at his own hands, like he’s remembering, maybe, that he hasn’t let Kurogane near him for months; and yet here Fai is, pretty much just wrapping himself around him; and the next _sorry_ barely makes it out before Kurogane puts a hand under his chin. It cuts him off, and Fai seems to waver for a second before he looks up; and Kurogane wants to kiss him. He desperately, hopelessly, horribly wants to kiss him.

He doesn’t, of course. He just puts his hand against Fai’s cheek as Fai keeps staring at him.

“It’s okay.”

He knows that Fai knows that one. And Fai just stares some more before he sucks in a breath.

“Okay?”

Fai’s voice is fucked up, and Kurogane nods. And Fai only stares for a moment longer before the relief on his face knocks the air out of Kurogane’s lungs; and then Fai’s climbing to his feet and tugging Kurogane up with him, holding on to his hand like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

There’s nothing Kurogane can do about the new wave of heat across his skin.

“What are you doing?”

It sounds irritated. It’s a growl, and it sounds gruff as hell, and, shit, that’s _not_ the tone he needs, not now, not when Fai can’t actually hear the _words_ ; but Fai just stares at him for a moment, before his eyes soften in a way that leaves Kurogane feeling gut-punched; and then Fai reaches up and wipes the tears off his face, and something inside Kurogane seems to crack even further.

What the _hell._

Kurogane can’t say anything, though. His legs are rubber. He’s barely staying upright.

And the sudden little smile on Fai’s face does nothing to help; and Kurogane’s lungs are still tight by the time Fai drops his hand. His lungs are tight, and his face is so fucking hot it hurts.

Also, his chest is doing that horrible fluttering thing again. It’s all he can do to find his voice.

“Thanks.”

It sounds terribly sincere. Doesn’t sound nearly grumpy enough.

But when it makes Fai smile a bit more, Kurogane really can’t care. Especially when Fai doesn’t let go of his hand as he turns and starts walking back towards the camp; and Kurogane just sucks in a breath and goes with it. He has no idea what’s happening, but he knows that it’s better – worlds better – than where they were an hour ago. And if his heart jumps as he tightens his grip on Fai’s hand, letting Fai lead him back to their encampment, well – nobody else ever has to know.

\- - -

Everything changes after that.

Fai’s still not completely keeping it together, of course. He’s still obviously miserable.

But, somehow, whatever happened on that cliff seems to be enough to start getting him out of bed every morning. And Kurogane doesn’t quite figure out what’s happening for a few days, until Fai comes home with a thing of extra sword polish and the realization hits him like a punch.

Fai’s trying to take care of him.

The irony’s almost too much.

It’s true, though. He gets hold of an extra sweater that would be massive on him, and then leaves it on Kurogane’s pillow. He starts trying to share his meals, like he’s decided that Kurogane’s portion isn’t enough. He starts studying Kurogane’s language in earnest, again, like he’s trying to cram everything possible into his brain; and he starts gluing himself to Kurogane’s side, again, with casual little touches that burn right through Kurogane and leave him flushed everywhere.

And it’s not the healthiest coping strategy for Fai, probably. He’s not sure if Fai’s trying to atone for the last three months, or trying to apologize for something different; but, whatever the case, Kurogane doesn’t know how to tell him that it’s fine. That he never blamed him in the first place.

So he lets it happen. If it’ll keep Fai going, then maybe Kurogane shouldn’t argue, after all.

Funny, though. He’s the one who’d just been trying to think of a new plan to keep Fai going.

He’d just never thought of letting Fai focus all his attention on _Kurogane_ , instead.

And he barely makes it through a week of it before he realizes that it’s having an unintended consequence. Because Kurogane… he can’t remember the last time someone fussed over him. He can’t remember the last time he _let_ someone. And it’s not helping with that horrible flutter in his chest. He’s not used to letting someone _care_ about him; and even if the reasons are fucked up, it’s getting to him. He needs it not to, though. Not when Fai’s possibly trying to pay some kind of messed up penance here.

He doesn’t know how to stop _any_ of it, though. Not when it seems to be helping them both.

And then there’s a night, not long after that, when Kurogane wakes up to the sound of Fai singing. He should be pissed, probably, that Fai woke him. The ground’s hard enough to sleep on, after all.

He’s not, though. He’s really not. He’s just very, very…

He doesn’t even know. He just knows he _really_ shouldn’t feeling quite this much, right now.

And he has to swallow very hard before he can open his eyes.

Fai’s got a candle lit, and it’s obvious that he’s keeping his voice soft – even on the higher notes, his voice barely rises – and Kurogane watches as he draws his quill across his notes, a small smile on his face. He’s sitting cross-legged over a pile of papers, apparently doing some late-night studying, looking relaxed in a way that Kurogane hasn’t seen in weeks; and Kurogane can’t understand a word of what he’s singing, but he doesn’t have to. He just knows that it’s gorgeous.

And he only realizes that he’s made some kind of sound when Fai’s voice cuts out, his shoulders tensing as he goes red and stares very determinedly down at his papers; and Kurogane wants to kick himself.

Idiot. Why didn’t he just close his eyes and go back to sleep?

He’d also really like words, right now. But he never taught Fai how to say ‘beautiful’.

“Sorry.”

Fai’s voice isn’t much more than a murmur, and he’s still staring down at the papers, as though he actually has something to apologize for, here; and Kurogane can’t just lie there, anymore.

Instead, he pushes back the blanket and kneels across from Fai. Fai still seems too embarrassed to look at him, though, so Kurogane finally reaches for the quill and carefully tugs it out of Fai’s hand. It’s the easiest thing for Kurogane to draw a music note and a smiling face, though he can feel his stupid traitorous skin starting to flush as he puts down the quill and hands Fai the paper.

Stupid. He’s _such_ an idiot.

But maybe it’s okay, because Fai’s smiling, when he looks back up at him. A smile that actually reaches his eyes, in a way that’s a bit too fond for Kurogane to deal with; so he just clears his throat and nods, and then hands the quill back to Fai before he gets to his feet and then lies back down on his uncomfortable cot. And it still takes about a minute before Fai starts humming, again, but it happens, at least; and Kurogane falls asleep with the sound of Fai’s voice in his ears.

\- - -

Even with that night, though, and for all that Fai seems to have pulled it together, Kurogane’s still not expecting the morning, a few weeks later, that he wakes up to find Fai just kind of sitting and staring at him.

He’s got his arms crossed, and he’s tapping his foot in the air, like he’s been waiting for Kurogane to wake up; and when Fai reaches over and pokes his arm as soon as his eyes are open, Kurogane groans and swats at him, before he curses and buries his face back into his pillow.

“Go away. It’s too early. Whatever you want, it’s too –”

There’s another poke against his shoulder, and Kurogane lifts his head to start glaring; only to feel his mouth drop when he realizes that Fai’s holding out his sword to him. It’s never far away – Kurogane sleeps with it beside him, of course – and now Fai’s holding it to him, and frowning like he’s… not necessarily happy with what he’s asking, but determined to do so, nevertheless.

And Kurogane’s pretty sure he gets it. Fai already knows the word for ‘sword’, after all.

“You… want me to teach you how to fight?”

Fai just blinks at him, obviously not getting it; and Kurogane presses himself up into a sitting position. Stares at Fai for a moment, and then points at himself, and then the sword, and then Fai; and when Fai nods, his lips pressed together in a way that looks determined as hell, Kurogane just… kind of can’t deal with the wave of crushing affection that suddenly races through him.

Shit. _Shit,_ now is not the time for that, though.

Because Fai’s seemed content with his knives, and with his arrows, ever since they got here – he’d gotten hold of two larger blades, even, in addition to the smaller knives he’d brought with – and Kurogane hadn’t wanted to risk putting him on the battlefield with a sword, if knives and arrows were both weapons that he was already good with. He hadn’t wanted to make things more complicated – especially with how dangerously out of it Fai had been for so many months.

But if Fai wants to learn, then that’s completely different.

And Kurogane only considers it for a moment longer before he nods, and takes the sword, and climbs to his feet. He’d wanted Fai to try, after all. It seems that he’s more than getting that wish.

\- - -

They barely make it out the tent door, though, before Kiyoko meets them.

She’s in full armour, and she looks even more serious than normal.

“We’re moving out. You’ll probably both see battle, this time.”

Her voice is flat, until she looks at Fai, who’s glancing between them, obviously realizing what’s happening; and then something in her expression seems to soften as she looks back at Kurogane.

“I doubt I even need to say this, but – keep Fai safe, alright? I – my little brother, Eiji, he – he’s here, too, but he’s been pretty sick; and Fai’s been spending a lot of time with him, whenever I can’t. And he’s about the only person around here who’s been able to make Eiji smile, lately.”

For a second, Kurogane’s too busy trying to process all of it – he’s gotten better at the language, but that’s still more than Kiyoko’s ever said at once – and then it all sinks in, and he carefully takes a breath before he speaks, because his lungs feel like they’ve gotten tangled up in his chest.

“You’re right. You don’t have to tell me. I’ll –”

“That’s what I figured. You two go pretty well together, don’t you?”

There’s just the tiniest hint of a smile, now; and Kurogane’s just opened his mouth to protest – they’re _not,_ god, as much as he _wants_ them to be, they’re not – when Fai takes a step forward.

“Eiji?”

There’s a hint of concern in his voice; and Kiyoko quickly shakes her head.

“He’s okay.”

Fai watches her for a second, and then he nods, looking incredibly relieved, suddenly; and Kurogane’s so busy having an internal meltdown that he almost forgets everything for a second.

Then, there’s the sound of a horn, and Kiyoko’s expression hardens again.

“Come on.”

She turns and starts walking without another word, and Fai turns to Kurogane, his eyes wide and his lips pressed in a thin line; and Kurogane puts his hands on Fai’s shoulders, staring at him.

“Stay with me.”

They’re all words that Fai knows, and he nods, though the twitch of his lips doesn’t look happy at all; and then Kurogane squeezes his shoulders and they turn and follow Kiyoko. Fai’s muttering to himself – Kurogane can’t catch a word of it, but at least he’s talking – and then, as if on some horrible cue, there’s a rumble from the skies, and Kurogane feels a drop of water hit his skin.

Perfect. They’re in a goddamn desert, and now it chooses to rain.

He’s barely started to growl, though, before he feels Fai’s hand slide into his.

Fai’s not looking at him. In fact, his eyes are very firmly fixed on the ground in front of him.

And Kurogane breathes through it all as he laces his fingers though Fai’s and holds on tight.

They’re making it through this alive. Whatever happens, Kurogane is not letting them die here.


	9. Yama

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for all the kind feedback. <3

When Kurogane wakes up, he’s in the medical tent, and Fai is asleep in the chair beside him.

He’s sprawled forward over Kurogane’s knees, with his face buried in his arms; and Kurogane takes a breath, taking stock of his body. He’s aching all over, but nothing seems to be broken.

How did he even get here?

“Poison arrow.”

Kiyoko’s voice is soft, and she looks exhausted, when she steps into the room.

And everything floods back just like that.

“Fucking _cowards.”_

His voice is a hiss. They’d barely gotten into battle before the arrow had struck his shoulder. And then everything had gotten painful and too hot, before the world had spun and then gone black.

He thinks he remembers Fai yelling.

“Yeah. Your sweetheart here went ballistic. I didn’t even know he knew how to fight like that.”

There’s no hint of her usual gruffness. She just looks really tired.

And Kurogane’s lungs are tightening up.

“He –”

“Yeah. Pretty sure he thought you were dead. It – well. It wasn’t pretty.”

There’s a new pull of tension in her voice, and Kurogane suddenly feels sick.

And Fai is still sleeping, his expression tight as he stays sprawled across Kurogane’s legs.

“How – how long have I been –”

“Five days.”

She says it like it’s nothing, but Kurogane feels his skin crawl. How can it have been that long?

“And –”

“The nurse said you’ll be fine. You might be a bit weak, for a few days, but the poison’s out of your system, at least. Maybe just let Fai take care of you for a bit. He seems to be good at that.”

She’s kind of smiling, now; and Kurogane wants to slide his fingers into Fai’s hair, but he also doesn’t want to wake him. If Fai’s spent the last five days worrying, then he could probably use the rest.

How could Kurogane have done this to him, though? Here he was supposed to be keeping Fai safe, and then he goes and gets himself hurt, instead. What kind of friend does that make him?

“He must really love you, you know. He never once left your side.”

Her voice goes soft, as she says it; and Kurogane suddenly feels like someone’s punched the air out of him.

Oh, _god._

Against his knees, Fai shifts, just a little bit, before he murmurs something and seems to settle again; and Kurogane carefully rests his fingers against a tuft of Fai’s hair, making sure to not tug.

His heart is doing something really painful.

“He was frantic. And the language difference didn’t help, either. We knew that you were going to be okay, after that first day, but there was no way to tell him that. I’m pretty sure he’s still expecting to lose you, actually.”

She sounds really sad, now; but Kurogane can’t pay attention to anything but the man asleep on his knees. Fai’s tense, under his hand, even in sleep; and Kurogane’s heart is breaking a bit.

Five days. As far as Fai knew, he’s been more or less keeping a deathbed vigil for five days.

“Anyway, I’ll let you two be. But make sure he eats something later, alright? The poor guy barely even touched any of the food I brought him, so he probably needs –”

“I – right. Thank you. I’ll –”

“No worries, Kurogane. Get feeling better, okay?”

She shoots him one last little smile before she steps out, leaving silence behind her; and Kurogane is aware of how hard his heart is slamming, and how shaky he feels everywhere.

_I’m pretty sure he’s still expecting to lose you, actually._

Oh his knees, Fai is murmuring something, again, his face scrunching up like he’s in pain; and Kurogane carefully runs his fingers through his hair, watching as Fai settles under the touch, though his expression is still tight; and Kurogane takes a breath and tugs just a bit on his hair.

He should let him rest, maybe. But, more than sleep, he’s pretty sure Fai needs to know that he’s alive.

“Fai.”

His voice doesn’t sound right. And it takes a moment for Fai’s eyes to blink open.

Then, he goes perfectly still, his eyes wide as he stares at him; and Kurogane manages a smile.

“Hey.”

It’s only one word, but it still cracks, a bit.

And Fai just keeps staring until his face crumples, tears spilling down his cheeks as he drops his head back down to Kurogane’s knee, grabbing on tight to his legs and just curling there like he can’t move; and Kurogane’s careful to keep his fingers gentle as he slides them through Fai’s hair, his heart hammering as he uses his free hand to try to push himself up into a sitting position.

“Hey, shh, Fai, it’s okay, alright? I’m okay, I’m not going anywhere –”

Kurogane only realizes that Fai’s moved when it’s already happened.

He’s clinging to Kurogane, arms around him, suddenly gone absolutely silent; and everything inside Kurogane is aching as he wraps his arms around Fai, too, holding him as close as he can.

The silence is bad, though. Kurogane’s pretty sure he’d have preferred tears.

“You’d have really missed me that much, huh?”

And when Fai just presses closer, Kurogane lets him, for a bit, until he pulls back enough that Fai has to look at him; and the tears are still streaming down his cheeks, even though he’s not making any noise. The smudges under his eyes are awful, and his hair is a greasy mess, and his face has definitely gotten thinner; and Kurogane’s barely opened his mouth before Fai swallows and leans in to press their foreheads together; and everything inside Kurogane seems to just… shut down.

There’s nothing but the press of Fai’s fingers, gentle and careful against his cheeks.

And Fai just… stays like that. Clinging to him, nose bumping against his, not making a sound.

Kurogane can’t do anything but hold him back, his heart beating so hard it hurts.

When… when had Fai started to care this much?

And they stay like that until a young woman walks into the room; and even then, Fai doesn’t go far. Just pulls away to sit on the edge of the bed, his fingers ending up laced with Kurogane’s.

“Oh, good, you’re awake.”

She’s smiling, like she’s really genuinely pleased about it; and since Kurogane doesn’t have his voice back, he just nods. Fai’s staring at the floor, trying to wipe an arm across his face.

“Well, you’re okay to leave, then. You’ll be weak for a bit, but it should pass. And take care of this guy too, alright? For a while there I was worried that he was going to become a patient, too.”

She gives him a little disapproving look as she says it, but Fai seems oblivious. And Kurogane manages to find his voice enough to thank her, which gets him another smile as she leaves; and then Kurogane’s sliding his legs over the side of the bed, and Fai’s about the only reason he stays upright.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

He can’t help that it’s a growl. His entire body feels like it’s made of rubber.

A little _weak?_ He feels like he just ran the entire length of the desert.

And when Fai slides an arm around him so that Kurogane can put one over his shoulder, Kurogane doesn’t protest. With everything that’s happened, the least he can do is let Fai help him.

“Come on, mage. Let’s go home.”

He can’t help how exhausted he sounds, but given that Fai’s there to hold him up, maybe it’s okay.

\- - -

By the time they get back to the tent, Kurogane’s not sure who’s helping who walk, anymore.

He'd managed to direct them towards one of the food tents, first - it had helped, too, that Fai had seemed equally determined to get some food into Kurogane, as well - and as soon as they'd both choked down some bread - with Fai watching him the whole time, his shoulders hunched and his expression a bit blank as he'd kept his fingers firmly wrapped around Kurogane's elbow - they'd helped each other stagger back to the tent.

It had been a brutal walk, though. Every inch of him hurts, and Fai’s eyes are glazed as he stands in the middle of their tent and sways; and then he seems to shake himself, stepping forward and helping Kurogane to lie down. He’s barely on the bed, though, before Fai’s trying to tuck him in, his hands shaking as he does; and Kurogane finally catches them in his own, holding on as Fai closes his eyes and leans closer.

“Kuro-sama.”

That’s it, but it’s more than enough. Fai still sounds like he can barely breathe.

And it hits Kurogane, suddenly, that he really could have died.

It’s been so long since he even had a close call, he’d almost forgotten what it felt like.

And he only realizes that he’s just kind of frozen when Fai finally moves, sliding in behind him and murmuring something as he wraps his arms around him; and Kurogane lasts for all of a second before he closes his eyes and turns in Fai’s arms. Presses his face into Fai’s neck, letting Fai pull him in closer, and… maybe this is what it feels like, letting someone else help to keep you safe.

Letting Fai take care of him, anyway. He can’t see himself ever letting anyone else do this.

And he has no idea what they are, anymore – and he’s too tired to examine it now – but they’re both still alive, and they’ve still got each other; and that’s pretty much nothing short of miracle.

And his last thought before the darkness creeps in is that he feels safer than he has in years.

\- - -

When Kurogane wakes up, he’s not in Fai’s arms, anymore, but Fai hasn’t gone far.

He must have left long enough to find food and visit the bathing area, because there’s a piece of bread on the table, and his hair is wet, falling over his face. He’s curled up on his own cot, but he’s dragged it right next to Kurogane’s – maybe he’d been worried that he’d wake him, if he tried to get back under the blankets? – and, for all that he’s asleep, his fingers are still wrapped around Kurogane’s sleeve.

He’s also wearing one of Kurogane’s shirts. It’s about four sizes too big on him.

And something inside Kurogane seems to crack.

“I have no idea what you’re thinking, you know.”

He makes sure to keep it a whisper. It’s true, though. It’s like they’ve crashed through just about every boundary they might have ever tried to draw between them, but he still doesn’t know.

What the hell does Fai want from him?

That night in Shara seems lifetimes away. _Just friends._ It’s what he’d thought was best. It probably was, at the time. Fai had agreed, anyway. He’d seemed really damn grateful for it, even.

But now they’re here. And everything’s gotten all tangled up.

Comfort. Need. Loneliness. Fear. Mutual dependence.

It’s all so _messy,_ without any words to sort it out. Without words, he can’t know what Fai wants.

Kurogane knows what he wants, at least.

But he also knows that he promised Fai a friend. He'd promised, and Fai had thanked him for it. And Kurogane’s not going to go back on that and ask for more. 

He _wants_ to, though. He so, so _desperately_ wants to.

And it’s a thought that’s still with him about an hour later, by the time he’s dragged himself to the bathing area, too, and then stumbled back to the tent again. Fai’s still asleep, still curled up in a ball; and Kurogane stares at him for a moment, before he sits down and reaches for his sword. It’s in its sheath, and both sword and sheath are clean, no sign of the dried blood that should have been there. Someone must have cleaned them, then. That someone probably being Fai, of course.

And he’s barely put the sword down, his stomach gone all shaky, again, before Fai stirs, blinking himself awake as he sits up and rubs his hands over his eyes; and all he needs to do is look at Kurogane, and suddenly that ache is back, low and terrible and spreading all throughout him.

What the hell is happening to him?

And he only realizes that he’s staring at Fai when Fai’s sleepy expression is replaced by a bit of a frown, though he just looks more confused, than anything; and Kurogane drags his eyes away and turns back to his sword, instead, instantly feeling like an absolute fucking jackass as he does.

Great. Now Fai is going to think that Kurogane’s angry. God, he’d _just_ decided that he wasn’t going to mess this up –

He actually jumps when Fai’s fingers touch him.

And by the time he’s turned around, Fai doesn’t even look hurt. Just looks really miserable, suddenly, his hands up like he’s trying to apologize, which is – that’s the _last_ thing Kurogane wants. He doesn’t _want_ Fai to think that he’s upset, because then Fai’s going to think that Kurogane’s mad at _him_ ; and Fai’s barely started to stand up before Kurogane grabs his sleeve, which – well, it’s Kurogane’s sleeve, really. Why had Fai decided to wear his shirt, anyway?

_What the hell are you trying to do to me, mage?_

He doesn’t say it, of course. Instead, he goes for their gold standard; and if his, “It’s okay,” sounds a bit rough, Fai only seems to hesitate for a bit longer before he kneels back down again; and Kurogane’s blushing as he turns his back, his hands reaching for the sword in front of him.

Maybe he can defuse this by thanking Fai for cleaning it.

He’s barely reached for it, though, when fingers slide under the bottom of his shirt, brushing against his back; and, somehow, everything inside him seems to go hot and cold at the same time.

“What… what are you doing?”

It doesn’t have nearly enough bite to it.

And there’s only silence for a moment before Fai swallows and tugs on it, his other hand sliding to rest right above Kurogane’s elbow, and – oh. Right. His shoulder. Fai wants to check on him.

“It’s fine, it’s okay, really –”

“Kuro-pin.”

It sounds almost exasperated, suddenly, for all that Kurogane can’t see Fai’s face; and Kurogane takes a moment to curse everything before he manages a nod, and then closes his eyes as Fai inches his shirt up. Even the twinge in his shoulder doesn’t calm him down as he raises his arms, letting Fai tug him out of it; and Kurogane is horribly aware of just how little he’s wearing. And when Fai’s fingers press against his bare arm, Kurogane is very glad that Fai can’t see his face.

Dangerous. This is _so_ dangerous.

But judging by the thoughtful little hum from Fai as he pulls away, Kurogane’s the only one here who’s shaking himself apart. Of course he is. Fai is just trying to take care of his shoulder. Nothing more than that. And Kurogane manages to not jump when Fai comes back with their medical bag, but it’s a close thing. He’d taken the bandage off to wash the wound clean in the river, and the nurses must have done a good job, before, because it’s barely infected.

_Poison arrow. Fucking cowards._

He stops caring about that, though, when Fai’s fingers come back.

He’s achingly gentle, as he smooths something cool and damp over his skin. Barely puts any pressure, his fingers so light Kurogane can hardly feel them. And by the time he’s taping a new bandage over his shoulder, Kurogane’s breathing too hard, and his heart’s beating painfully fast.

_Stop touching me. Please, please, you need to stop touching me._

It’s not what he _wants,_ of course. But he feels like he’s about to crawl out of his skin.

How long has he been ignoring this?

And he feels it everywhere when Fai pauses, his hands still resting against him… and then Fai just… stays there. Pressed up close behind him, not moving away, his breathing gone a bit shaky.

“Fai?”

His voice cracks. Actually _cracks_ on it.

He’s _not_  going to read into this, though. He’s not going to read into this, he’s _not._

But he can’t be the only one, though. He can't just be imagining this tension.

Or maybe he is? If he could only ask what Fai _wants_ –

“Kuro-sama?”

It sounds like a question.

Fai’s still way too close, in their tiny tent, and it sounds like a question.

And all Kurogane needs to do is close his eyes and nod, letting his head fall forward, and then there are lips pressed against his shoulder.

Barely there, just for a second, before Fai stops, breathing hard as he presses his forehead against his back, like he’s still waiting for permission; and he looks _terrified_ when Kurogane turns around. Terrified, and like he’s almost expecting Kurogane to take a swing at him.

And Kurogane can’t move.

He needs to say something, or do something. But he can’t.

But maybe his face is saying it for him, though, because the fear gradually fades from Fai’s expression, leaving behind something that looks just kind of shaky and desperate, instead; and by the time he raises his fingers to press them against Kurogane’s cheek, Kurogane’s not breathing.

It's like all the air's been punched right out of his lungs.

And Fai’s lips are gentle, when they press against his.

Soft, and warm, and just barely there, before he swallows and pulls away again.

And Kurogane still can’t breathe.

Every bit of air has been stripped out of the tent.

And Fai looks just as shocked as Kurogane feels. Wide-eyed, and flushed, like maybe he hadn’t quite meant to do that; but Kurogane can’t do anything but stare. His voice isn’t working right.

“… Kuro-sama?”

He’s biting his lip. Kurogane’s pretty sure he’s never seen him look this hesitant.

Is it okay for them to do this?

He must hesitate too long, though, because it’s like a shutter closes across Fai’s face.

And the painful jolt in Kurogane’s stomach really tells him all he needs to know.

Yeah. He’s so, _so_ gone over this man.

Fai’s pulling away, though, and Kurogane doesn’t quite grab him in time.

“Wait, no, that’s not what I –”

“Bad time?”

For a second, it doesn’t quite register.

But Kiyoko’s standing in the doorway, in full armour. She doesn’t look at all amused at interrupting – she looks pretty genuinely apologetic about it, actually – but it doesn’t help much. Especially when Fai stands up without looking at Kurogane, turning to face Kiyoko instead.

"Battle?”

There’s no hint of what he’s thinking in his voice, and when Kiyoko nods, Fai goes and starts looking over his quiver of arrows, putting his back to both of them. Slowly, Kurogane stands, too; only to pause when Kiyoko puts a hand on his arm, not quite hiding the concern on her face.

“I know you’re both recovering, and I’m sorry that –”

“It’s… it’s not your fault.”

“I know. Still, though.”

Her eyes are still on Fai, who’s looking over his knives, now; and Kurogane takes a deep breath.

He needs to focus. They – they’re going back into battle, they’ll be in more danger, now – and then Kiyoko drops her hand, and drops her voice, as though she thinks that Fai might understand.

“Trouble in paradise?”

She keeps it low, and Kurogane just watches Fai, who’s stringing up his bow, now. He’s not looking at either of them, and the tension written across his body is making Kurogane’s stomach hurt.

“Maybe.”

It’s not a maybe. It’s not even close to a maybe.

_I just realized that I’m in love, and then I horribly fucked it up._

It’s not a good feeling. And now they’re going into battle, apparently.

He wants to grab Fai and run. He wants to run and run until they get out of this horrible world.

“Well, when this is over, feel free to wander over any time, alright? I doubt you’ll wanna tell me anything about your sweetie, but I’m always down for whiskey and an arm wrestle, at least.”

She pats his elbow, again, as she says it, smiling just a little; and Kurogane is suddenly… grateful. That Fai’s had her company this whole time. Her, and her brother’s, too, apparently.

It’s not surprising. Fai had always seemed good at making friends with just about anyone.

It makes his stomach pull tighter, and he swallows, hard, watching Fai sling his quiver over his back.

“Thanks, Kiyoko.”

“No worries. Stay safe, alright? Both of you.”

“You, too.”

She smiles in response as she steps back out of the tent, leaving nothing but a painfully tense silence; and Kurogane takes a breath, and then kneels down to grab his shirt, off the floor. Slides into it, and then finds his armour, and his sword, and his boots. And when he’s done all of that, he turns to find Fai standing there, back in his own shirt, and with his knives ready on his belt, and his bow in hand, and his expression kind of disconcertingly blank as he stands there and watches Kurogane; and Kurogane, suddenly, remembers Kiyoko’s words, that day in the medical tent.

_Your sweetheart went ballistic._

It sits like a rock in his stomach. And from the look of Fai, now, the message is pretty clear.

Fai has no intention of letting Kurogane die here, either.

And there’s no hint of their earlier… moment. No hint that Fai’s worrying about it. No indication that he’s thinking about anything other than the bloodbath that they’re probably about to enter.

It’s like he somehow turned into a soldier when Kurogane wasn’t even looking.

And Kurogane knows that it’s a good thing, considering their circumstances, but he just… he wishes that Fai had never had to learn this, at all.

“Kuro-ron?”

His voice is pretty much still inflectionless, and Kurogane takes a careful breath.

Later. They can worry about everything later.

“Alright. Let’s just… get this over with. Stay with me, okay?”

The exact same thing he’d said the last time they saw battle; but Fai doesn’t take his hand, this time. Instead, he just nods, his hands on his weapons, and then turns and walks out of the tent; and Kurogane closes his eyes and then follows, making sure that his sword is loose and ready to go.

They need to get out of this world before it kills them.


	10. Yama

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya'll are honestly amazing. Thank you so much for all the encouragement.
> 
> (CW for violence, throwing up, and conscripted military service.)

It takes mere minutes for Kurogane to realize just how lucky he and Fai have been, the last five months. Just how lucky they are that they arrived during some kind of stalemate, and managed to avoid conflict until very recently.

Because this is hell. And if it’s hell for Kurogane, then he can’t imagine what it’s like for Fai.

Not that Fai’s showing any sign of that, though. In fact, he looks like something out of some famous war tapestry. Stone-faced, ruthless, with his arrows bringing down anyone who gets too close. He’s never once left Kurogane’s side, and he hasn’t said a word since the fighting started.

It’s terrifying.

And Kurogane remembers, distantly, a time worlds and worlds away, when Fai had crawled into his lap beside a shining lake in that deep dark faraway forest, and then smiled at him and cheerfully spun out some bullshit as he’d walked away; and Kurogane had realized, even then, that Fai could be dangerous. That, with his words alone, he already had one hell of a weapon.

And now, stripped of his words, he’s dangerous in a completely new way that Kurogane never saw coming. Any trace of the terrified man that Fai had been for their first few months here is gone.

Maybe because he’d figured out that he had someone to protect.

And Kurogane had been right, that first day they’d gotten here, when he’d mused on how a battlefield would never allow for the luxury of just injuring someone. He’s damn well trying, though, and not just for the sake of his curse. These people aren’t his enemies, not really; and he’s trying _so_ hard. And he knows Fai is, too. Most of the soldiers have been going down with arrows in their shoulders or legs, but… not all of them.

There’s only so much Fai and Kurogane can do.

It’s a battlefield. This was never going to have a happy ending.

His sword’s drenched in blood, at this point. And he’s never really considered trying to make a dash past the camp sentries and into the desert, before, because everything about that idea had always seemed like suicide – but he’s starting to think that it might be a preferable alternative to this.

And, at some point, as the evening wears on, Fai runs out of arrows.

Ends up back-to-back with Kurogane, his two larger blades held steady in his hands; and they’ve just started trying to hold their ground together like that when there’s the sound of a horn, and the enemy army starts retreating, trampling back across the battlefield and out of range, and… Kurogane realizes that he’s panting, the air burning in his lungs. He feels dizzy, and his stomach’s rolling.

And Fai’s not there, when he turns around.

For a moment, there’s nothing but the sheer crushing panic.

Then, he hears retching, and finds Fai on his knees, doubled over with his hands on the ground; and Kurogane can breathe again. There’s nothing he can say or do to make this better, though.

Instead, he just moves to stand beside him, putting a hand on his shoulder, and keeping his sword out, in case any of the bodies lying around decide to move and come at them one last time.

They don’t.

And when Fai eventually stops throwing up, Kurogane leans down to help him stand; but Fai’s already getting to his feet, wiping a hand across his mouth and then fixing his eyes on Kurogane. He’s got streaks of blood across him, even up in his hair; and his skin is so pale it’s nauseating.

His eyes are still sharp, though, underneath it all. And Kurogane just stands there and lets Fai look him over, his hands brushing carefully against his blood-soaked clothes. None of it’s Kurogane’s, though. And Fai eventually drops his hands, and stares at him, again; and Kurogane manages a nod, just in time for their commanding officer to blow the horn signaling their retreat.

He doesn’t miss the way it makes Fai flinch.

Doesn’t miss the way Fai’s steps falter, a bit, when he starts walking; and Kurogane’s barely put a hand on his arm before Fai’s shaking his head and straightening up again, his lips pressed into a thin line; and Kurogane drops his hand, though Fai gently squeezes his arm and stares at him, for a moment, before he still manages to stay very close to Kurogane, as they start walking.

Kurogane gets it, though. It’s suddenly a bit like looking in a mirror.

Deadly, desperate to protect someone, and unwilling to show weakness.

Kurogane had never wanted Fai to turn into him, but it looks like that’s exactly what's happening.

\- - -

By the time they get back to their tent, Fai’s eyes are still just as sharp as they were before.

They’d stopped by the river with all the other soldiers, and taken turns – still giving each other privacy, even now – scrubbing the blood off their bodies, and out of their hair, and out of their clothes, and off of their weapons. Kurogane still feels dirty, though. And they barely make it into the tent and put their weapons aside before Fai turns to him, his eyes gone darker than ever.

“Run?”

He barely whispers it. Like he’s afraid that someone will hear.

And Kurogane can’t help the shiver that crawls down his own spine.

Bad idea. _Such_ a bad idea.

But maybe it’s the only option they have.

“Desert.”

It’s a word that Fai knows. Kurogane had taught him a few – desert, forest, lake – while sitting up together by candlelight, one night, bent over their sparse pieces of paper, with Fai grinning at Kurogane’s poorly drawn doodles. It couldn’t have been more than a month ago, but it feels like a lifetime ago.

And Fai just nods in response, the determination on his face not once wavering.

“Desert. Yes.”

It’s not quite suicide, but it might be close. Even if they can get past the sentries alive, Kurogane has no experience with surviving in a desert. For all that he knows, the river that this encampment is based around may well be the only source of water for miles and miles. Staying by the river could easily get them tracked and killed; but, without it, they could die within days.

From the grim line to Fai’s lips, it’s something that he knows all too well.

Maybe Kurogane could steal a map. Maybe… maybe he could find information.

Maybe the kids are somewhere nearby, in another town, or another encampment.

But… what if Kurogane and Fai go the wrong way? What if they only end up further away?

“No? Yes?”

It’s still barely a whisper, and Kurogane feels himself waver, under the intensity in Fai’s eyes.

_I don’t know. I’ve been faking it since I got here. I’m not the one who makes the plans. I just swing the sword. You’re the clever one, not me._

There’s no point in saying it, though. No point in even thinking it.

_Are you leaving the final decision to me, mage?_

From the way Fai’s just waiting, watching him, not saying anything else, he probably is.

It kind of makes sense, even. Kurogane’s been better able to understand this world, after all.

Either that, or Fai just values Kurogane’s life more than his own, and wants the final decision to be his.

Whatever the reason, Kurogane eventually nods – they can’t stay here forever, they _can’t_ – and it’s like there’s finally a crack in Fai’s expression. A flash of something – fear, excitement, desperation? – before he visibly swallows.

“Okay, Kuro-pon. Okay. We –”

He cuts himself off, though, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes; and Kurogane gets it.

This is big. This is make or break. This is either going to save them or destroy them.

“Okay. We – weapon, food… water…”

“And medical supplies.”

From the way Fai squints at that, he doesn’t get it; and then Kurogane taps his own shoulder – he can feel the bandage, under his shirt – and Fai nods, understanding flashing across his face.

“Okay. You – food, water. And me… I will… medi… plies…”

His nose scrunches up into a frown, as he says it; and – insanely – Kurogane feels himself smile.

He loves this man. He knows he does. How did it ever take him so long to figure it out?

“Yeah, Fai. Yeah, that’s right. Medical supplies.”

He can hear it in his voice, even. How crushingly, desperately fond he sounds.

And then – despite everything, despite all the horror around them – Fai’s lips twitch into a sweet little smile, his eyes a bit brighter as he stands there and smiles at him, and Kurogane just…

He feels like there’s something trapped inside his chest, beating its wings, fighting to get free.

And they’re going to run. They’re going to run, and get out of here, and find somewhere safe.

And then he’s never going to let anything hurt Fai ever again.

“Kuro-pon?”

There’s an uncertainty, suddenly, that wasn’t there a moment ago, and Fai’s smile is starting to fade – Kurogane can practically hear the apology forming – and Kurogane has to close his eyes.

_I love you. I love you so, so much, and I don’t know how it took me this long._

“Kuro-pin, I… I sorry… if…when I –”

He feels like he can’t breathe, under the sudden weight of it all.

And Kurogane’s careful – as gentle as he possibly can be – as he leans in and kisses him.

Puts his hands on Fai’s cheeks and kisses him, his heartbeat suddenly pounding in his ears.

_I love you. I’m so sorry for making you doubt this._

And Fai freezes – goes absolutely still – before he tries to kiss back, but he’s breathing so hard it sounds a bit painful; and Kurogane’s shaking too badly to kiss him, anyway, so he pulls back.

Fai doesn’t say anything, though. Just stares at him, barely blinking, tears in his eyes, not making a sound as Kurogane carefully wipes the tears off his cheeks; and Kurogane’s shaking even worse, suddenly, his throat tightening up and the thing inside his chest pulling utterly frantic.

_Please. Please, Fai, I’m sorry it took me this long._

And he has to try a few times before he manages to speak.

“Yes? No?”

It’s barely a croak, and Fai stares at him for one more terrifying moment before he closes his eyes and buries his face in Kurogane’s chest, nose brushing his skin as he wraps his arms around him, and – it feels, somehow, like something inside Kurogane suddenly isn’t broken, anymore.

He can’t quite keep his eyes open, either. They’re burning too badly for that.

 _“Yes._ Yes, yes, Kuro-sama, yes, yes, I _…_ ”

It cuts out into tears, though; and Kurogane squeezes his eyes shut tighter and pulls Fai as close as he can, his throat closing up as Fai starts shaking, his tears sliding down Kurogane’s chest.

And it’s not just this. It’s everything. Kurogane knows that it is.

But that’s okay, though. They’re going to get out of here, and put this place behind them.

They’ve got each other, and they’ve both learned how to hold each other up.

Now they just need to find the kids and get out of this world.

\- - -

That night, they fall asleep with Fai’s head resting on his chest, and their fingers laced together.

First, though, Fai cries himself out, and doesn’t even seem at all embarrassed about it.

Maybe they’re long past that point.

Instead, he just follows Kurogane when he lies down; and then Fai’s curling up against him, and Kurogane tugs the blanket up around them both, carefully wrapping his arms back around Fai. He barely gets comfortable, though, before Fai’s fingers sneak down into his; and they drift off, like that, with Kurogane’s throat too tight to speak, and his heart pounding against Fai’s cheek.

They’re going to need a few days to gather everything. Kurogane’s going to have to figure out, too, the best time to get past the encampment guards. Maybe during a shift change, or something.

And then, after that, then they can finally run.

\- - -

When Kurogane wakes up, his arm’s gone completely numb, but that’s okay.

Because Fai must have shifted, at some point, with the way he’s still pressed full-length against Kurogane’s side, but his head’s resting on his arm, now; and Kurogane ends up just kind of staring, because… it’s never been news that Fai’s kind of unfairly gorgeous, but this is different.

This is him passed out in Kurogane’s arms with _just friends_ finally thrown away, and it’s… Kurogane can’t quite deal with it. Fai’s still asleep – eyes closed, breath coming slow and steady – and Kurogane wants to brush the hair out of his face, but he doesn’t want to risk waking him.

That, and Kurogane’s heart is hammering, and he maybe needs a moment to get it together.

He’s screwed. He’s so in love, and he’s so utterly screwed.

And maybe Fai feels him tense; because his eyes flutter open, his expression somewhat dazed; and Kurogane swallows as Fai blinks at him, not moving from his place on Kurogane’s arm.

“Um. Morning.”

His throat’s so rough it’s a wonder he gets it out.

And Fai just stares at him, before he goes red all the way up to his ears and ducks down to hide his face in Kurogane’s arm; and it’s like Kurogane can actually feel himself fall even harder.

How long has he been ignoring this?

And he can’t understand a word Fai’s saying, but – based on how hot his face feels – it’s quite possible he’s giving himself shit for getting embarrassed; and it’s so _cute_ it’s nearly unbearable.

That, and Kurogane’s pretty sure he’s never, in his entire life, felt this happy.

Fai just adds to that thought with another embarrassed grumble, burrowing harder into Kurogane’s arm; and Kurogane only realizes that he’s chuckled when Fai lifts his head to glare at him – all red and still half-asleep, and his glare just a bit unfocused – and Kurogane can’t help but grin wider, that happy feeling expanding until it feels like he’s not going to be able to hold it.

_I love you. I love you so, so much._

_“Kuro-rin –”_

“Thank you.”

They’re not exactly the right words, but they’re all he has. Fai wouldn’t get ‘gorgeous’, after all.

And maybe Fai has some idea of what he’s going for, because his glare drops into an even brighter blush, something shy flashing across his face as he looks down and bites his lip; and Kurogane’s helpless to do anything but put his hand on Fai’s cheek, his heart tripping over itself when Fai leans into it, and… and Kurogane’s about to say something when Fai rests a finger over his lips. Traces the outline of his mouth, suddenly frowning, like he’s thinking hard, and – right. It’s… quite possible that he’s never actually seen Kurogane smile before. Not like this, anyway.

“Kuro-pin…”

He sounds a bit dazed, almost, his fingers still carefully tracing along the edges of his mouth; and this must be some kind of payback for finding Fai so cute, because Kurogane feels his face go hot.

“What… what’s so – why are you looking at me like that?”

He can hear the grumpiness in his voice. And his skin just heats up worse when Fai keeps staring at him. His fingers are still on Kurogane’s mouth, and Kurogane… he’s not quite sure why he feels _this_ embarrassed, suddenly, but he really, _really,_ does; and he kind of wants to squirm away.

“Look, I – I smile, too, okay? Sometimes. So – so you can just stop looking at me like –”

Fai cuts him off by kissing him.

Just as gentle as he’s been about it, every single time; and Kurogane can practically feel himself melt, just like that. Can feel the tension winding out of him, as Fai just barely brushes their lips together.

He’s in trouble. He’s in so much trouble.

And Fai’s eyes are sharp, when he pulls back to look at him. Stares at him, his fingers sliding against his cheek; and Kurogane… he’s pretty sure he could lie here like this with Fai forever.

They can’t, though. That’s not how it works.

But maybe, at least, they can lie here together for at least a bit longer.

“Fai…”

“Four day. Run. Four day. Okay?”

Fai’s voice is soft, and it takes Kurogane a moment to focus. Then, he nods.

Maybe Fai knows something. Hell, maybe he’s been planning this. Maybe he knows something about the sentry schedules, or maybe that’s how much time he needs to steal their medical supplies.

Whatever the reason, Kurogane trusts him.

And when he nods, Fai stares at him for a moment, before he leans in and kisses him again.

And it’s… maybe not quite so innocent, this time.

Still gentle, but… not quite as gentle as before; and Kurogane can feel his entire body heating up.  Feels his mouth drop open, his skin prickling hot at the new intent he can feel, with the firm press of Fai’s mouth. It helps a bit, at least, that Fai looks pretty dazed, too, when he pulls away.

Then, he swallows, and starts squirming out from under the blanket, though he’s trying to tug Kurogane with him; and Kurogane swallows a groan, even as he lets Fai tug the blanket away. Before he can say anything, though, Fai’s brushing his fingers through his hair, back to looking almost shy; and Kurogane immediately forgives him for stealing the blanket, his stupid stomach doing that horrible thing that makes it hard to breathe. And maybe some of that shows on his face, because Fai’s smile dips into a little grin, even as he stands and tugs Kurogane to his feet.

And Kurogane lets him. Whatever Fai wants, it’s his. If –

“Walk okay?”

It takes him a second. Then, he kind of wants to crawl back into bed.

“You… want us to go for a walk?”

He can’t help the grumble. They have a bed here. A bed, and privacy, and… whether they’re just lying here together or doing more, why would they leave, when they have everything they need?

Fai just blinks at him, though. Blinks, as though he’s not asking Kurogane to go wander around in the desert, when a minute ago he’d been comfortable and happy and snuggled up around Fai.

Kurogane just sighs, though. Whatever Fai wants, he’s getting it.

“Okay. Fine. Let’s just –”

He’s barely muttered it before Fai’s grinning in a way that makes his heart flip, and then reaching for his bag and their medical kit, and then sliding his fingers into Kurogane’s and tugging him out of the tent; and Kurogane doesn’t even have time to glare at the sun and the heat because he’s too busy getting stuck on the fact that Fai’s not letting go of his hand, even as they start walking, and… okay, so maybe Kurogane’s face is burning in a way that has nothing to do with the sudden sunshine.

There are just… that are a lot of other soldiers, and Kurogane can feel them watching, and –

He only realizes he’s maybe tensed up when Fai freezes, like he’s realized what he’s doing, and then drops his hand and turns to him, his eyes wide and an apology already forming on his lips; and Kurogane can’t deal with that, so he just reaches out and grabs Fai’s hand again, instead.

“Idiot. S’fine.”

And… it is.

Okay, so his face is still hot and maybe it’s a _bit_ embarrassing, but – to hell with what else anyone else thinks, after all. And he’s pretty sure it’s what the whole army’s thought about them all along, anyway.

And when Fai just stares at him, his eyes still really wide, Kurogane growls and moves closer to him, bumping their elbows together and tightening his grip as he tries to get Fai moving again.

“What? C’mon, mage. You – you were the one who wanted to go for this damn walk, so just –”

Fai doesn’t try to kiss him – maybe he thinks that would be crossing a line – but he leans in to press his nose against Kurogane’s shoulder, closing his eyes and resting there; and Kurogane squeezes back, his knees going all stupid and wobbly again, even as Fai’s fingers tighten in his.

“Kuro-tan.”

It’s soft, and shaky, as Fai just stays pressed against him; and Kurogane just swallows. Can’t seem to say anything until Fai pulls back to smile up at him, before he tightens his fingers and starts trying to tug Kurogane along again; and Kurogane goes with it, his heart beating too hard.

He has no idea where Fai’s trying to lead him, but wherever they’re going is fine.

He’s got Fai’s fingers wrapped up around his. Somehow, nothing seems to matter more than that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Ps. The next bit has a cave and a hot spring. I regret nothing.)


	11. Yama

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait on this one, folks, and thanks so much for all the encouragement. Ya'll are honestly the best.

By the time they’ve been wandering around in the sun for about twenty minutes – heading away from the tents, and into the more deserted areas – Kurogane’s shoulder is aching and he’s starting to get way too hot, and he’s more than ready to turn around and head back to their tent.

He’s not going to, though. He’s not even going to try to suggest it.

Because he’s pretty sure he’s never seen Fai this happy.

Here, amongst all the horror they’ve been through, and with them still just as trapped as they’ve ever been – Fai’s practically skipping as he tugs Kurogane along; and Kurogane bites his tongue, and doesn’t for a second think about trying to turn them around and head back. It’s only when Fai stops and stares around him, like he’s trying to figure out which way to go – they’re still within the encampment circle, but it’s massive, with empty desert areas in some places, normally used for training – that Kurogane finally licks his lips, the words still half-stuck on his tongue.

He’s just… he’s really never seen Fai this happy.

“You… you really like me, huh, mage?”

He makes himself nervous, just saying it; and when Fai just grins up at him, it really doesn’t help.

He doesn’t have time to panic, though, because Fai’s pulling on his hand, again; and Kurogane lets himself be tugged, until they’re pretty close to the army boundaries – they have to be, at this point – and Kurogane has no idea where they’re going, he can’t even fathom… and then Fai’s babbling out something that sounds pretty pleased as he starts pulling Kurogane towards a rock face, and Kurogane just… goes with it. He doesn’t get it, but he trusts Fai to have a point, here.

He’s not expecting the slight crack in one of the cliff walls. It’s down a little dip in the sand, and hidden in between a bunch of other rocks, and it’s so tiny that Kurogane might not even be able to fit through, and… whatever this is, how the hell did Fai ever even find it in the first place?

_How much time have you spent wandering around out here by yourself?_

It’s not a pleasant thought – maybe those first horrible few months, when he was trying to stay away from Kurogane – but Fai doesn’t give him time to think about it, thankfully. Instead, he just slips into the tiny entrance, barely managing to fit, himself, even with how small he is; and Kurogane crosses his arms over his chest, a wave of affection tugging up the corner of his lips.

_You are ridiculously endearing, you know that?_

“Did you – do you really think I can fit through that?”

He can’t help how fond he sounds, despite everything. And maybe his meaning gets through, because Fai rolls his eyes and tugs on his arm; and Kurogane swallows a sigh as he turns sideways and starts trying to slide through. He’s probably going to end up with scrapes and bruises all over his back and chest, even through his clothes. Fai’s lucky that he’s cute.

That, and he’s grinning at Kurogane, again, like this is the most fun he’s ever had.

Kurogane’s pretty sure he’s not actually capable of saying no to that grin.

_You’re in trouble, Kuro-ron. You are in so, so much trouble._

He doesn’t even care. Fai wants him, too. That’s all that matters.

And then he’s through the little passage, suddenly, and there’s nothing he can do but gape.

It looks like something out of a damn panting.

Gorgeously curved stone walls, a pool right in the middle, and a small hole in the ceiling, letting a beam of light through. It’s like a tiny corner of paradise – tucked away just for the two of them, a beautiful little hideaway where the desert can’t touch them – and Kurogane takes a step forward.

“How… how did you find…”

Fai’s biting his lip, when Kurogane turns to look at him. Looking almost shy, even as he smiles at Kurogane; and Kurogane feels his chest seize even worse, before he makes himself look away. There’s just the slightest haze rising off the water, and… there’s a toothbrush, even, now that he’s looking closer. A toothbrush, and one of Fai’s ratty old towels, and what looks like a pile of his language notes, sitting over in the corner, and… is Fai sharing his hideaway spot with him?

Fai’s fingers are sliding back into his, suddenly, and his eyes are bright as he smiles up at him.

“I find when… walk, before… battle. You like?”

His eyes are all but sparkling, and his smile’s so damn bright it should be illegal. Kurogane almost has to pull away – _too much, Fai, you’re way too much_ – but he makes himself stay still, somehow, and – this is recent, then. A recent discovery, and he wants to share it with Kurogane, for whatever little time they have left in this camp. Kurogane swallows as his fingers tighten in Fai’s.

“Yeah, mage. Yeah, I like.”

It’s an understatement, but it’s all he has.

_I like you. I more than like you. I’d hide in here with you forever, if we could._

And maybe something in his voice gives him away, because Fai blinks up at him, his smile slowly slipping into something else; and then he slides a hand up over Kurogane’s heart, his eyes dropping down to follow the movement as he gently presses his fingers into his chest through his shirt; and Kurogane feels his chest rise against Fai’s hand, with how sharply he inhales.

There doesn’t seem to be enough air in the cave, though.

And Fai bites his lip, before he makes a noise that sounds almost regretful, and then brings his fingers up to brush against Kurogane’s shoulder, even as he tips his head towards the pool of water, and… right. Kurogane should really get in the water and wash his shoulder out, and then give it some time to breathe. That’s probably why Fai brought the medical kit with him, after all.

And he only realizes that he hasn’t responded when Fai bites his lip, again, and drops his hand.

“I… if you want…”

He’s stepping away, as he says it – moving towards the entrance, like he’s planning to _leave_ – and Kurogane’s heart jumps as he reaches out and grabs Fai’s wrist.

“No, _no_ –”

He drops his hand, though, a wave of embarrassment rushing over him when Fai turns back to him; but he’s gone a bit wide-eyed, like maybe he hadn’t actually expected Kurogane to want him here, and… maybe Kurogane doesn’t have to be embarrassed. Maybe they’re long past that.

“Stay. Please.”

He can still feel how hot his face is, though.

And when Fai blinks at him, before his lips curve into a tentative smile, Kurogane almost has to look away, because… he’s not going to get used to this. He’s never going to get used to this.

“Yeah?”

He sounds absurdly hopeful about it – as though there was ever any doubt – and all it takes is a nod from Kurogane, and Fai’s stepping forward, again, to press his face into Kurogane’s chest.

“Okay, Kuro-sama.”

It’s barely a whisper, and his hands slide down to Kurogane’s hips, as easy as though he’s done it a thousand times before; and Kurogane nods, again, and rests his hands against Fai’s lower back. Ends up having to close his eyes when Fai just sighs and snuggles closer, his nose brushing Kurogane’s chest, and it’s all so unrepentantly _affectionate_ that it’s almost too much, because...

When had Fai stopped trying to run from this?

Because he obviously has. Whatever’s happened, there’s no trace of the man Kurogane had met six months ago, who’d been so terrified of kindness and intimacy. He’s not sure how it happened – maybe this place finally just stripped Fai of his barriers – but it’s probably a miracle that it did.

The thought’s barely processed, though, before there are fingers at the bottom of his shirt, just barely sliding under to brush his stomach, and… he’s pretty there’s nothing innocent about that touch, suddenly. For all that Fai’s treating him like he thinks that Kurogane’s going to break, he’s pretty sure the gentle drag of Fai’s fingers across his stomach is asking for something more.

It’s not helping with how hot his face feels. Now, though, he’s too warm everywhere.

“Yes?”

Fai’s lips are still on his chest. And all Kurogane has to do is a croak out a _yes_ and Fai’s tugging up his shirt. Face still buried in his chest, as he does it; and then he pauses, Kurogane’s shirt halfway up his chest, and spreads his hands across his stomach, palms flat and his fingers spread out.

Kurogane feels almost a bit dizzy, suddenly.

And it doesn’t help when he raises his arms to help Fai tug his shirt off, and then ends up with Fai damn near going cross-eyed as his gaze seems to get stuck somewhere on Kurogane’s chest. It’s as gratifying as it is embarrassing, and Kurogane feels a new wave of heat wash through him.

“You… you’d think you’d never seen me shirtless, before.”

It probably sounds far too grumpy, considering that he has a gorgeous man staring at him.

Fai doesn’t laugh at him, though. He looks a bit… overwhelmed, actually, when he looks back up. And Kurogane can feel the heat behind his ears as he turns to face the water. His hands have barely dropped to his pants, though – if Fai’s wants them in the water, then Kurogane’s going to get in the damn water – before Fai’s pressed against him, his face between his shoulder blades.

"Kuro-tan.”

It’s a whisper, across his skin. Kurogane should hate himself for shivering, but he just doesn’t care.

And when Fai’s hands slide around to rest on his stomach, before sliding a bit lower, all Kurogane needs to do is nod, and then Fai’s tugging his pants down. Kurogane has to nudge out of his shoes, first, and then he’s stepping out of his pants, the air brushing across his skin, and… it’s kind of embarrassing, how hard he is, considering that Fai’s barely touched him. Every breath, though, every tiny glancing contact – it’s all sending heat pooling between his legs; and his knees do something stupid as Fai’s hands curl around his hips, holding him there as he presses back up against him. He’s not tall enough to rest his chin on his shoulder, but his nose is pressed against his spine, and the soft material of Fai’s pants is brushing against his ass; and the way Fai’s arms have slid around him – just holding him there, face in his back, like he’s afraid to let go – is getting to him more than anything else.

“Fai…”

“Still okay?”

His voice has a catch to it, and Kurogane closes his eyes.

When did Fai learn ‘still’, anyway? Though… this is probably not the time to think about it. But it does nothing to help with that crushing fondness, trapped and aching inside his stomach.

“I… yeah. Still okay.”

_Now please take your damn clothes off, so I’m not the only one._

It’s been like this since the start, though. Those first few weeks, it was always Fai touching him, and being sweet and careful about calling the shots, and Kurogane doesn’t know why he’s only just getting it now, but… no one’s ever done that before. Everyone’s always expected Kurogane to instigate everything, and it’s… it’s nice, to have of all Fai’s attention focused on him, like this.

He still feels really naked, though. Though the way Fai can’t seem to let go of him helps.

Then Fai murmurs something he can’t understand as he steps back and nudges Kurogane’s back, so light Kurogane barely feels it, obviously still directing him towards the water; and Kurogane turns around to find Fai’s eyes down on his own fingers, fumbling with the buttons at the front of his shirt; and something inside Kurogane’s chest stutters as he carefully puts his hands on Fai’s.

“Let me?”

His skin’s burning even worse, suddenly. And his hands look massive, on top of Fai’s.

More than that, though, the way Fai stills, and then swallows and looks him over – top to bottom, lip trapped between his teeth, as he pretty much just blatantly stares at him – makes his pulse jump and his cock ache, the tension inside him coiling tight and hot and so fucking shaky, and… no one’s ever looked at him like this. Kurogane’s possibly not going to be able to deal with it.

“Mage…”

It’s not even close to the growl that he was going for.

And Fai snaps his eyes back to his face, breathing hard and flushing as he nods, dropping his hands down to Kurogane’s elbows, instead; and Kurogane’s hands feel useless and clumsy as he slowly works on the buttons, until he can slide Fai’s shirt off his shoulders, letting it flutter to the ground as he slides his hands down Fai’s to carefully settle on his thin hips. His hands look massive, there, too; and it comes with a surge of protectiveness that just about knocks the air out of him – because Fai is less breakable, now, Kurogane _knows_ that he is; but he’s pretty sure that he’s always going to want to protect him.

From the way Fai sucks in a breath, his eyes flittering to Kurogane’s shoulder, like he’s still thinking about making a valiant effort to derail this into some kind of first aid session, it definitely goes both ways. And Kurogane’s just about to protest – he’s _fine,_ Fai can take care of him _after_ – when Fai nudges him back towards the water; and Kurogane sighs and turns away.

Whatever. If it’ll make Fai happy, that’s really all that matters.

Besides. If Kurogane’s suspicions about that haze above the water are correct, then he really has nothing to complain about, here. And when he crouches down and dips his fingers into it, he lets his eyes close, just for a moment, because the warmth of the water on his skin is making his throat tighten, and… alright, then. Maybe he’s missed warm water a little more than he thought.

Then Fai’s hands are on his back, again, and Kurogane is terribly aware of every inch of his body; and when Fai nudges his shoulder, Kurogane slides into the warm water, settling against a shelf on the side and closing his eyes, suddenly and desperately wanting to never move again.

And then everything gets better, because he opens his eyes to the sight of Fai sliding out of his pants.

Of course, it’s not great that Kurogane’s suddenly blushing like he’s a teenager all over again. It helps, though, at least a bit, that Fai looks flustered, too, as he steps out of his pants, nudging them away with his foot and standing at the edge of the pool, not quite looking at Kurogane, and… his legs go on forever. He’s all slender lines of pale skin, and those damn legs of his aren’t even fair, and he’s pretty sure that the sharp edges of Fai’s hipbones should be _illegal,_ and his cock’s flushed and half-hard and enough to make Kurogane’s mouth water, and… Kurogane, suddenly, wants to crawl right back out of the water and get on his knees for as long as Fai wants him there.

It’s a somewhat disconcerting thought, actually.

Since when has he ever been this _desperate_ for someone?

He knows why that is, though. He hasn’t made it this far in life by lying to himself, and he’s not about to start now, even if this new awareness comes with a vulnerability that he’s far from used to.

And he kind of ends up just staring down into the water by the time Fai’s slipped into the pool, too, and… he doesn’t touch him. Just kind of floats, about a foot away; and Kurogane finally gets his eyes up to find Fai looking horribly unsure, hovering there like he doesn’t know what to do.

This would be easier, probably, if it wasn’t the middle of the day. Easier if there was less light coming through the cave ceiling. And then Fai opens his mouth – an obvious question, there – before closing it, something like insecurity flashing across his face; and Kurogane suddenly hates himself.

What the fuck is he doing, making Fai doubt this?

Kurogane can have his stupid breakdown later.

There’s no point in trying to say anything, though, so he just holds out his hand.

For a moment, Fai stares at it.

Then, he takes it, and Kurogane draws him closer, tugging him through the water until Fai’s sliding into his lap, ducking down to rest his head on his shoulder; and Kurogane closes his eyes and wraps his arms around Fai as tight as he can, a sudden wave of unease racking through him.

He could lose this. He could lose Fai.

Four days. They’re making a run for it in four days.

And what comes after that – if they even make it – will only be more difficult.

And he only realizes how lost he is in his own brain when Fai’s fingers start working on his shoulder. Tugging off the gauze, achingly gentle about it, before he tosses it up on the stone floor; and when Fai cups some water in his hands and carefully runs it over his shoulder, like the last thing he wants to do is hurt Kurogane, it’s enough to push that twist of protectiveness even higher.

He’s not going to lose him. He can’t. He _won’t._

He won’t let it happen.

They’re going to get out of here, and they’re going to find the kids – wherever they are, he and Fai _are_ going to find them, however long it takes – and then they’re going to leave this world.

It’s just… there’s a very big desert, out there.

And it takes him a moment to realize that Fai’s done with his shoulder, gone back to just kind of balancing in his lap, hands on his elbows, not looking at him, even with how close they are, and… Kurogane spares a moment to hate himself again – he needs to stop _awfulizing_ ¸ because it’s not going to do either of them any favours – before he settles a hand against Fai’s cheek, keeping it soft as Fai blinks and looks up, with that hint of uncertainty still written across his face.

It makes Kurogane’s gut pull sharp. He really needs to make sure that Fai doesn’t doubt this. Especially, now, with their plan to make a run for it, they need to be clear with each other.

“Four days.”

His voice doesn’t sound right. Sounds nervous in a way he’s not used to from himself.

And Fai watches him, for a second, before he nods. He doesn’t look pleased about it, but Kurogane doesn’t blame him. And the next words that he needs get stuck in his throat, trapped under the weight of sudden self-consciousness, and on the sheer lack of words that he can use.

_Thank you. It’s okay. It’s fine. Yes. Desert. Still good._

How the hell is he supposed to convey that he has no intention of dying here? And how, too, does he tell Fai that Kurogane’s in this for the long haul, for however long as Fai wants him? He needs some way to wipe that insecurity from Fai’s face, but he doesn’t have the _words_ for it.

Maybe he can kiss his point across, or something.

And he’s just started to slide his hands up Fai’s back when Fai drops his gaze, again, his face doing something that looks incredibly hesitant before he swallows, his shoulders hunching, a bit; and his next words are a whisper, slipping out between them and hanging heavy in the damp air.

“Stay… stay with me?”

For a long moment, the words don’t seem to register in Kurogane’s brain.

Then, they do, and the shiver that runs through him makes it hard to keep breathing.

And Fai looks like he’d rather be anywhere else. Looks more uncomfortable than Kurogane’s ever seen him. He still said it, though. Kurogane has no idea what it cost him, but he said it.

And now Kurogane’s just… frozen. He needs to say something, but his voice isn’t working.

Then, Fai bites his lip and starts to pull away; and Kurogane can’t move fast enough.

“Wait, _wait –”_

He’s holding Fai’s arm, and Fai’s eyes have gone a bit wide, and Kurogane just – his head’s moving too fast, and his heart is doing something that’s making it impossible to speak, and – and then Fai puts a hand over his, slowly, like he’s still unsure; and Kurogane finally finds his voice.

 _“_ I – _yes._ Yes, of _course_ I’ll –”

He barely gets it out before Fai kisses him.

Just for a second, before he pulls back, looking like he’s about to apologize; and Kurogane shakes his head and grabs him, guiding their mouths back together, his body pulling tight when Fai groans and sags against him, mouth dropping open and his hands twisting into Kurogane’s hair, and… he’s squirming closer, like whatever was holding him back has finally been pushed past breaking point; and Kurogane flushes at the press of Fai’s cock against his stomach.

Fuck. _Fuck_.

He – he was going to take this _slowly,_ he was –

Fai’s hand sliding down between them kills that idea.

Soft, and careful, and with not a hint of hesitation; and Kurogane’s never gotten dizzy from arousal before now, but he’s pretty sure that all the blood in his body just rushed south all at once.

Fai doesn’t touch his cock, though. Just curls his hand under his leg, fingertips brushing against the back of his thigh; and it’s enough to have Kurogane crushing him closer, his cock jerking in the warm water, and his air shuddering out of him on a breathless groan as his teeth scrape Fai’s lip.

From the way Fai squirms, a full-body shiver mixed with a shaky little whining noise, it’s okay.

It does nothing to calm Kurogane down, though. Especially when Fai presses closer, holding on to Kurogane’s leg with a death grip, his fingernails digging in just enough to make Kurogane’s head spin, and… and Fai’s kiss is a wreck, too. Not a hint of his usual finesse. Just a desperate, shaky press of his lips, frantic and unsteady, like he can’t even concentrate on what he’s doing.

The thought alone is enough to make Kurogane’s blood hammering in his ears.

And then Fai’s fingers slide up higher, nails scraping along the back of his leg; and Kurogane even doesn’t care that his rattled little groan sounds broken, shaking its way out through his chest. Not when it makes Fai whine and jerk against him, rocking his hips like the slide of his cock against Kurogane is the best thing he’s ever felt, and – it’s all so _juvenile,_ fuck, they’re fucking grinding off against each other like _teenagers;_ and then Fai chokes on a breathy little _Kuro-sama_ , sending a sharp bolt of heat right through him, and Kurogane crushes him in closer.

Forever. He wants to listen to Fai’s voice crack on his name forever.

And then Fai stops.

Just like that, he goes completely still; and Kurogane yanks his head back, his entire body jumping – but any question he might have asked dies before he can even start to form it.

Because Fai’s lips are swollen, his eyes wide and his hair a mess, curled along the edges of his face, and… he’s easily the most gorgeous sight Kurogane’s that ever seen in his entire life.

He also looks lost, though, like Kurogane’s not the only one who’s in over his head, here; and Kurogane’s voice gets stuck somewhere in his throat and dies, before he manages to swallow.

“Fai?”

Fai just shakes his head, sharp and jerky, his eyes squeezing shut, and then leans forward until their foreheads are touching; and Kurogane can feel how tight his grip is, where his hands have both ended up holding onto his hips. It does nothing to help with the tightness in Kurogane’s stomach.

“Are… are you…”

“Stay – stay with me. _Please.”_

It’s ground out, low and shaky, with how wrecked his voice has gone.

And, for a long moment, Kurogane can’t move at all.

Then, he carefully tightens his grip around Fai, feeling the itch in the back of his eyes.

The same words as before, and… maybe Fai wants to say more, and that’s all he has.

Whatever the case, Kurogane gets it. He knows that Fai’s terrified of losing him, too.

And when he nods and slides his hands down Fai’s back, trying to keep it gentle – his hands feel massive and rough, against Fai’s slender body – Fai sucks in a breath and leans even closer. Just stays like that, curled against him, as Kurogane carefully runs his hands up and down Fai’s back, as though maybe that can soothe the shake that he can feel running through every inch of Fai; and Kurogane’s so focused on Fai that it takes him a moment to realize that he’s shaking, too.

It’s enough to pull his breath short, and he carefully closes his eyes, trying to not make a sound.

No. Not now. He’s not doing this now. He can deal with all his own stupid emotions later.

Right now, his focus needs to be on Fai. It’s as simple as that.

The irony isn’t lost on him, though, even as he slides his hand down Fai’s back again.

All this time, all he’d ever wanted from Fai was honesty.

And – now that he has it – it’s terrifying.

The thought’s barely processed, though, before Fai pulls back to look at him, and… he still looks pretty lost, but there’s still a flush creeping down his chest, too, his hips not quite staying still, anymore, with every slow sweep of Kurogane’s hands down his back; and Kurogane should probably feel at least a little bit proud of that, maybe, or somewhat pleased with himself, but…

He’s never had someone want him this much. He can’t be anything but humbled by that.

And it’s Fai who finally closes the distance, again, sliding a hand down his stomach as he leans in to kiss him, gentle presses of his lips even as his fingers creep south in a way that’s anything but innocent; and Kurogane’s pretty sure he’s gone red right down to his chest, at this point.

“Yes?”

It’s a murmur, against his mouth, and it’s still incredibly shaky, with Fai’s hand just short of where Kurogane needs it; and it does absolutely nothing to calm him down.

Even now, Fai’s still checking. Kurogane can actually feel himself fall harder.

And all he needs to do is nod, and then Fai’s fingers are wrapped around him; and there’s nothing Kurogane can do about the noise he makes, his head falling back as Fai kisses up the side of his neck.

_Fuck._

They’re frantic kisses, too. Panted against his skin like Fai’s lost the ability to concentrate. His fingers are moving slow and achy around his cock, though, slick and tight in the warm water.

It’s like he’s trying very hard to keep it together, and that’s the last thing Kurogane wants.

He doesn’t have the breath to say it, though, with Fai’s mouth dragging down his neck.

He… he doesn’t have the breath for much of anything, right now.

And then Fai tightens his grip, thumb sliding up to rub circles under the head as he starts murmuring something Kurogane can’t understand; and Kurogane lets his head fall back further, the stone floor achingly cool against how desperately hot the blood is flaring across his veins.

He wants to do this when they have words. He _needs_ to.

For now, the sound of it is still rattling through him, sending heat pooling down between his legs with every soft murmur, every achingly slow twist of Fai’s fingers, and… Fai’s panting like he’s the one with a hand around him, and Kurogane tries to reach down between them; but the minute he unwraps his arms from Fai, Fai shakes his head and squirms closer with a little protesting sound; and Kurogane closes his eyes as he wraps his arms around him, his heart jumping as Fai sighs into it, like… sitting here like this is honestly better than letting Kurogane get him off, too.

It’s a little too much to deal with. It’s _all_ a little too much to deal with.

And then Fai’s hand speeds up, just a bit, but it’s enough to have Kurogane biting his lip.

He feels like he’s burning up. Like Fai’s lit him up from the inside out.

And then Fai starts talking, again, shifting forward so that he can wrap his hand around both of them, fingers curling tight to press their cocks together; and Kurogane spikes so hot it’s a wonder he’s breathing, with Fai squirming into the slide of his own fingers, and the crushing fondness Kurogane’s his chest getting all mixed up with the sheer fucking _need_ screaming across his skin.

_“Fai –”_

It cracks around the edges, desperate even to his own ears, and Fai makes a sound that’s going to keep Kurogane awake at night. Low and aching, as he goes back to muttering and kissing Kurogane’s neck, even more unsteady than before, with their cocks sliding together under the pressure of his fingers; and Kurogane’s just about to start begging – _more,_ _faster,_ _please_ – when Fai whispers _Kuro-sama_ right against his skin; and Kurogane bites his lip and squeezes his eyes shut.

Whatever Fai wants. He can do this however he wants.

Kurogane’s pretty sure he’d let Fai get away with just about anything, at this point.

It’s a thought that makes his stomach flutter; and then Fai’s croaking out his name again, still pressing frantic little kisses all along his neck and shoulder, and that’s all it takes to yank Kurogane right up to the edge, the heat inside him coiling into something desperate.

Every night. He wants to do this every night. For as long as Fai will let him.

And then there’s a perfect twist of Fai’s fingers, and the tension under his skin pulls sharp and frantic, just for a moment, before Fai sighs out something soft _,_ his voice a murmur as he tilts his head to gently brush his nose against Kurogane’s neck; and Kurogane breaks, just like that.

Feels the tension inside him snap, everything yanking tight and then shuddering loose all at once, his cock jerking and his lungs closing up as Fai groans and kisses him through it. He can hear himself panting, can feel the shaky little moans rattling up through his chest, can hear Fai muttering something that sounds frantic, his mouth never once leaving his neck; and Fai only finally slows his fingers when Kurogane collapses against him. Drops his hand and rests it on his stomach, instead, his muscles twitching under Fai’s touch, and his heart hammering against his lungs – and he barely has time to fight for air before Fai sits back, and Kurogane forces his eyes open to find Fai’s hand around himself, his eyes squeezed tight and his teeth digging into his lip.

For a second, everything’s still too hazy for him to move, and the sight of Fai doesn’t help, his cock twitching in a way that almost hurts, even as he sucks in a breath and tries to lean forward.

He barely touches Fai, though, fingers bumping against Fai’s own, before Fai jerks and curls forward, ending up back against him as he shakes through it, his hand moving under the water and his voice breaking, and – he’s never going to hear Fai’s nicknames the same way again. He’s always going to hear them like this, panted and broken, and… and then Fai collapses against him, going silent as he stops moving; and Kurogane carefully wraps his arms around him, a new wave of protectiveness shaking right through him at how easily Fai fits into the circle of his arms.

He just… he fits there like he was always meant to be there.

It’s a thought that does nothing to calm him down, and Kurogane’s not sure how long they stay there. Both of them panting, and both of them probably leaving bruises, with how tight they’re holding on.

Fai, eventually, is the one who stirs first, but it’s only to nestle closer to Kurogane, a little sigh sneaking out of him. It doesn’t make it any easier for Kurogane to move, but they have to. They need to get cleaned up, and then… maybe take a nap, or something. Kurogane could go for a nap.

Fai doesn’t move, though, when Kurogane tries to shift them. Just shakes his head and holds on tighter, like he’s planning to stay there by sheer willpower alone. It’s… kind of horribly cute.

“Fai.”

There’s nothing he can do about the affection in his voice.

And when Fai just mutters something and presses closer, Kurogane can feel himself smiling.

Yeah. Cute. _So_ cute.

“Fai, come on. We need to –”

He’s cut off by a noise that sounds even more grumbly; and Kurogane can’t help but grin, suddenly, something inside him swelling bright and happy, because… okay, that’s possibly the grumpiest noise he’s ever heard Fai make, and it’s so adorable Kurogane can barely handle it.

And maybe Fai hears him smiling, because he swallows, pulling back to look at him; and Kurogane sucks in a breath, his smile slipping away under the tug of self-consciousness as Fai presses his fingertips against his lips, sending heat across Kurogane’s face and making the words stutter in his chest.

“You… you’ve really got a thing for me smiling, don’t you?”

It could be worse, probably. It’s still enough to make him flush, though.

And then Fai’s gaze slides from his mouth to Kurogane’s eyes, suddenly, still blinking, a little, like he’s a bit dazed, and Kurogane finds himself pinned, because… 

It’s a bit like looking in a mirror, suddenly.

Because Fai’s eyes are soft, in a way that… well. Kurogane’s pretty sure that’s exactly how he looks at Fai, too – and it’s… it’s kind of way too much, to have that directed back at him.

After a moment, though, Fai blushes and ducks in to kiss the corner of his mouth, before he curls back up against Kurogane’s chest; and Kurogane takes a breath and wraps his arms back around Fai, his stomach doing that awful fluttery thing, even as Fai sighs and relaxes further against him.

A little bit longer, then. They can stay here for just a little bit longer.

\- - -

About an hour later finds them lying on the cave floor.

They’ve made an impromptu bed out of their clothes, keeping them off the stone floor, at least. Fai’s curled up against his chest, again, his eyes closed, like he’s planning to never move again.

It’s started raining, too. Kurogane can hear it. Can watch it fall through that one little hole in the ceiling, splashing on the cave floor and creating a tiny puddle, not far from their legs.

And Fai’s asleep. His breathing slow and even, as he rests against Kurogane’s chest.

Kurogane’s pretty sure he could stay like this forever.

He can’t, though. He needs to… he needs to think. He needs to plan – well, everything, really.

Four days. Fai wants them to leave in four days. That’s reason enough for Kurogane.

It’s hard to think, though, when he has the option of watching Fai, instead, his mouth hanging slightly open in sleep, and his chest rising and falling, and… how did they even make it here? Everything they’ve been through, and they finally made it here, and…

And one wrong move could shatter everything.

He’s not going to let that happen, though. And he’s pretty sure Fai isn’t going to, either.

As if on cue, the thought’s hardly processed before there’s a crack of thunder, not nearly far enough away, somewhere close above them, like the desert’s trying to creep its dangerous reach into their hiding place; and Kurogane closes his eyes and tugs Fai closer, carefully tamping down the flood of nerves.

They’ve got each other.

They’re here, and they’re together – and that means more than anything that this world might throw at them.

They’ve already made it this far. They just need to hold on for a little bit longer.


	12. Yama

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, folks! Sorry for the wait, and thank you again for all the encouragement. Two more Yama chapters, and then the darlings shall be off to Piffle.

When Kurogane wakes up again, it’s still raining, and Fai is drawing little circles against his chest. Lying there with his cheek over his heart, his eyes following the movement of his own fingers, as they draw in little motions over Kurogane’s skin, like Fai’s trying to not wake him up.

And Kurogane closes his eyes again, his heartbeat stuttering horribly in his chest.

How did they ever even get here? And what happened to the man who was so afraid of getting too close?

Because now… it’s like Fai just doesn’t care, anymore. There’s a tenderness in that touch that Kurogane knows he’s not imagining.

And Kurogane’s not, for a second, going to try to figure out what the fuck Fai feels for him. Not going to guess how much of this is comfort, and how much is fondness, and how much could be… more. He’s already got enough to deal with, with his own realization of just how much he cares.

It’s interesting, though. He’s always considered himself pretty self-aware – he’s had to be, to make it this far with his sanity intact – but that doesn’t mean he’s had much practice at dealing with anything like… this. He knows himself well enough to acknowledge that, for many years, his emotions have had a rather limited spectrum. Anger, mostly. Anger, and guilt, and regret. All the horrible burning memories that had kept him awake for years, until he had slowly managed to process some of it. Until he had learned how to turn his anger into armour. Everything still hurts – and he knows that it always will – but he’s finally managed to cool everything into a low burn, instead of that fire that threatened to burn him up and drag him down for so many years.

But that’s all completely different. He’s never been overwhelmed by something _good,_ before.

Because – despite all the years he’s been on this planet – he’s never felt like this.

He’s never held someone in his arms and had his own happiness depend on theirs.

And there’s maybe just the tiniest hint of panic thrumming through his veins.

He’d been wary of caring too much, sure, when this had all started – worried about getting invested in the kids, and worried about caring for Fai – but he hadn’t been _scared_ of the idea.

And maybe he should have been. 

_This is why you didn’t want to care in the first place, isn’t it?_

Fai’s only response is to keep drawing little circles against his chest, just barely humming something to himself that Kurogane can’t understand; and Kurogane takes a deep breath.

Too late for second thoughts, now. And he wouldn’t go back even if he could.

And there’s one way that he knows this place has changed both of them, at least.

He’s always been shit at showing affectionate. It’s not like he had many chances to be, sure – but whenever he did, it had never exactly been his strong suit. He’s only ever been good at expressing anger. And he’s pretty damn sure that the last time Fai might have shown genuine affection to someone – or let someone do the same to him – was a hell of a long time ago, if ever.

Funny, how stripping away their words for so long – and forcing them to find other ways to communicate – has somehow pushed them both into a place where honesty and affection seem to be the only real choice. Maybe the risk of miscommunicating would just be too big, otherwise.

Maybe the only way they were ever going to get here, without words, was simply to be honest.

And when Fai sighs and turns to press his nose against Kurogane’s chest, all but nuzzling against him, Kurogane takes a breath – he feels Fai freeze, immediately – and slides a hand up into Fai’s hair, dragging his fingers through it as he opens his eyes. Fai’s are a little wide, and his fingers have stopped. Like Kurogane’s caught him at something he’d meant to keep to himself, maybe.

The thought’s almost a bit ludicrous. At this point, with everything that’s happened this morning and over the last couple of days, he’s pretty sure there’s no hiding from each other anymore.

And he has to lick his lips, a few times, with how dry his mouth has gone.

“Hey.”

The word sounds like a croak, and his stomach is flipping uncomfortably. And Fai just stares at him, unblinking, as Kurogane brushes a strand of hair out of his face, making his own skin burn.

It’s still tricky, this whole affection thing. Kurogane’s never been good at feeling vulnerable.

At least he knows that Fai’s not going to ever use it against him. That helps.

For a long moment, though, Fai just keeps staring at him.

Still not blinking, and his body going tense, as though – despite everything – he’s maybe, suddenly, fighting the urge to make a run for it. It must be hard to undo years of instinct, after all.

Kurogane doesn’t pull away, though. Doesn’t say anything else, and just keeps sliding his fingers through Fai’s hair. And, after a painfully long moment, he can feel the tension drain out of Fai, his eyes skittering away before he turns to press a quick kiss against Kurogane’s chest, and then shoves his face into Kurogane’s neck, his face gone so hot Kurogane can feel the heat on his skin.

Kurogane doesn’t laugh, though. Just wraps his arm around Fai, his chest going tight again.

_Yeah, mage, I know. Me too._

As long as they’re both screwed, though, then at least they’re in this together.

And they stay like that, not saying anything, until Fai swallows and starts drawing circles against his chest, again; and it’s enough to have Kurogane closing his eyes and pulling Fai closer.

Yeah. They’re in this together. Maybe neither of them ever planned to end up here, but they have, and neither of them is trying to hide from it, anymore. And that makes this all okay.

Now they just need to hold on to each other, and get out of this damn world alive. 

\- - -

After that morning, it rains for the next two days.

Kurogane’s not sure why. They’re in a fucking desert. Maybe that just happens, sometimes.

He’s a lot more interested in the way that he and Fai seem to suddenly be trying to make up for six months’ worth of sexual frustration.

Objectively, it’s actually a little ridiculous. They’re grown ass-adults, and they’re acting like teenagers. On top of that, even, they’re _still_ trapped in this hell, and they’re about to face death head-on by charging into a dangerous desert, which… theoretically, there should be a lot more concern, right now, and a little bit less sneaking off to make out against a goddamn _sand dune._

It doesn’t seem to matter, though.

Because by the end of day two, he’s got stubble burn from his cheeks down to his stomach, and Fai’s bouncing around with a spring in his step and a stupid dopey grin that pretty much screams _just got laid_ , and Kurogane’s surprised that either of them have the strength to walk anymore.

So yeah, it’s a little ridiculous, considering the circumstances.

Part of it, too, could be that they’re both just happy to finally be doing _something_. That this hell doesn’t seem quite as horrible now that they have a plan, no matter how dangerous it is.

Four days. They’ve got four days to get everything together, while also making up for lost time.

And, as it turns out, they’re somehow amazingly good at balancing stealing shit – extra food, a backpack, a couple of extra water canisters – with sticking their hands down each other’s pants.

And by the time Fai walks into the tent and tosses a bunch of extra bandages into one of their bags and then goes straight to standing on his tiptoes and trying to nibble his way across Kurogane’s neck, Kurogane’s pretty much accepted that they seem to have found a magical balance between planning their escape and figuring out the best ways to drive each other crazy.

It’s different, too, now that Kurogane knows that he’s allowed to want.

Because, for so many months, he’s been trying to _not_ notice Fai. To be a friend, and nothing more. To ignore the sway of his hips, or the way the sun hits his hair. And now that he’s _allowed_ to look –

Well.

It’s like some horrible embarrassing switch inside him has been flicked. Like he’s become hyper-aware of every single goddamn thing that Fai does. No matter where they are or what they’re doing, he can barely take his eyes off him. And the worst part is that Fai catches on in pretty much no time, and then – naturally – proceeds to be a terribly, _horribly_ smug little _shit_ about it.

Kurogane should have probably seen that coming. It shouldn’t be as endearing as it is, either.

And by the time Fai figures out that pretty much all he needs to do is bite his lip and flutter his stupid eyelashes and Kurogane’s brain instantly takes a trip down south, Kurogane’s more or less accepted that he’s absolutely fucked, where Fai is concerned. Fai’s gorgeous, and he knows it – or, at the very least, he knows that Kurogane thinks he is – and Fai’s having a field day with it.

At this point, too, Kurogane’s not even sure he can distinguish between how much is physical – because, alright, Fai’s slender fingers are probably getting to Kurogane a little more than they should; and then there are those _legs_ of his, and the frankly ridiculous curve of his lips, and the fact that Kurogane’s hands really do look _massive_ against Fai’s thin hips, in a way that’s wreaking havoc with both his heart and his libido – and how much is the emotional aspect that he’s just kind of not thinking too hard on – because what the fuck are you supposed to do when you realize you’re in love, anyway? It’s not like he would ever _tell_ Fai, even if he had words. – but maybe the distinctions don’t matter. It’s probably just everything, and… Kurogane really, truly, has spent six months trying to not notice all of this; and now that he can, it’s _maddening._

And then there are the moments, too, when Fai doesn’t get smug about it.

When he gets shy instead.

And, either way – whether Fai’s a blushing wreck or a smirking little shit – Fai getting a bit of his cockiness back doesn’t feel like he’s trying to rebuild a wall between them. It doesn’t feel like that at all, actually. It just feels like Fai’s trying to regain some of his composure, after how painfully honest they’ve ended up being; and Kurogane certainly understands that. Especially since he knows, too, that it’s all yet another way for Fai to show affection. There’s no lie to it, anymore – he’s stopped wearing any of it like armour – and that makes all the teasing and flirting just as meaningful as any of the times that Fai ends up blushing and hiding in Kurogane’s shoulder.

And there are many of those moments, too. Moments where Fai’s composure just kind of… cracks, and he ends up shy, again, in a way that sends Kurogane’s heart skittering out of his chest.

And Kurogane never knows which one it’s going to be. After that first day, in the cave – which, as much as it still makes him flush just thinking about, had easily been the most emotionally-charged sexual experience of Kurogane’s life – he hadn’t been sure what to expect. Whether Fai was going to keep that up, or whether he was going to slip back into that teasing, cocky, flirting thing that he’d been so fond of, those first two weeks they’d been dancing around each other.

Turns out, it’s a bit of both. And the combination is killing him.

Because, now that Fai knows that he has the go-ahead, he’s taken to flirting and riling Kurogane up at every possible moment, poking at him and following him around grinning a big shit-eating grin at him every time he manages to make Kurogane blush – and then he’ll turn around and get all flustered, again, as soon as Kurogane grabs him, like he can’t deal with Kurogane touching him back. And while Fai _does_ get all flushed and shaky the few times he slides to his knees and tugs Kurogane’s pants down – and _those_ are memories that are going to keep Kurogane awake at night – he then turns around and ends up _really_ embarrassed whenever Kurogane tries to return the favour. Kurogane hasn’t quite managed to, yet – Fai doesn’t seem willing to stop kissing him long enough for Kurogane to do anything but jerk him off – but he’s going to get there eventually.

He maybe wants to spend a lot of time with his head between Fai’s legs, actually, if Fai’s planning on letting him. And they can’t get up to anything much more complicated than what they’re already doing – even if one of them had the guts to suggest it, where would they find lube in the middle of a desert? – but that’s okay. Someday, they’re going to get out of this hellish world, and – maybe then, if Fai wants to. Right now they have their hands and mouths, and –

And, somehow, it takes Kurogane until night three to start putting some connections together. To start picking out some of the patterns in Fai’s behaviour.

Maybe Kurogane’s just been too sex-addled to really think it through until now.

Though, now that he’s considering it, that could well have been Fai’s plan all along.

Because of _course_ Fai loses his cool when Kurogane touches him, but mostly manages to keep it together when it’s the other way around. This is the man who couldn’t handle the slightest hint of intimacy, when Kurogane met him. This place may have changed that, sure, but… as subtle as it might be, Fai’s still been calling most of the shots when they’re together. Soft and sweet about it, and always, _always_ checking with Kurogane, and making sure he feels good – but, still, most of the attention has been focused on Kurogane. Just like those first two weeks, when they’d just met, and Fai had been the one instigating everything, and then panicking whenever Kurogane went off script and tried to reciprocate in ways that Fai couldn’t handle… maybe Fai doesn’t know how to let someone make him feel good. How to let someone focus all of their attention on him. Maybe all he knows how to do is put his effort into making his partner feel good, instead.

It’s a guess, but Kurogane’s pretty sure it’s a good guess. And maybe he can do something about that. Because as much as he enjoys lying back and letting Fai suck bruises onto his neck until Kurogane doesn’t know which way is up anymore, he knows he’d like the reverse just as much.

And it’s a thought that’s still with him later that night.

It’s still pouring out. Slamming down so hard it’s a wonder their tent’s still staying standing up.

And Kurogane’s strung out on the dirt floor – they didn’t even make it to the damn _bed_ , this time; it’s only two feet away, and they _still_ didn’t make it – with every muscle pulled tight, his fingers in Fai’s hair and his back arched off the ground as Fai slowly bites his way across his chest.

They’d established, by about the end of day one, through a lot of careful touches and asking for permission and _yes_ breathed out between them, that in addition to enjoying it slow and sweet – whenever they can survive how flustered they get, anyway – they’re both also plenty fond of bruises and nails and biting and hair pulling. And Kurogane should have known that Fai would use that to wreck him.

“You’re… a fucking… jackass…”

It comes out as a wheeze, as Fai’s teeth scrape across his collarbone, and then gently – very, very gently – brush over the hardened tip of his nipple.

Kurogane is possibly going to yank Fai’s hair right out of his head.

And Fai must not need to understand the words to get the meaning, because he just laughs – low and pleased – and then goes back to licking, instead, right over where he’d just bitten; and the soft drag of Fai’s tongue is enough to yank a groan out of his throat.

_“Fai.”_

It’s not nearly the growl he’d been going for. Kind of awfully breathy, if he’s being honest.

And when Fai just laughs _again_ – he sounds _so_ pleased with himself, the little _shit_ – Kurogane growls and cranes up to wrap his arms around him, rolling them over so that he’s on top, with Fai _still_ fucking laughing as he does. They’d established, too, by about the end of day two, that neither of them have a problem with a little manhandling – Kurogane had only realized he was maybe possibly kind of treating Fai like he was breakable when Fai had finally growled _Kuro-pon_ against his ear and pressed Kurogane’s hands harder down against Fai’s hips; and, well, they’d manage to clear things up from there – and by the time he’s all but crushing Fai against the ground – they’re still mostly _dressed,_ for fuck’s sake, why do they still have their _pants_ on – Fai’s wrapped his legs and arms around him and is _still_ laughing into his neck, happy and bright and just sounding so _delighted_ about everything that Kurogane that can barely breathe for it.

He loves this man. He really, really does.

And every time Fai laughs, it feels like there’s something trapped inside Kurogane’s chest, beating its wings and struggling to get free.

Maybe it’s all the words he wants to say, but can’t. It could well be something like that.

Either way, he feels frozen, suddenly; and he only realizes that he’s gone silent when Fai pulls back to look at him, his smile sliding into something concerned as he puts a hand on Kurogane’s cheek.

“Kuro-pin?”

His eyes are wide, and his fingers are soft, against his skin.

And Kurogane… okay, he needs to try something.

Because he just – he needs Fai to _know_ , at least to some extent, how much Kurogane… cares.

And he needs to make sure that Fai knows he’s allowed to feel good, too. That he can give up a bit of control, and that Kurogane’s not going to hurt him with it. Kurogane needs to at least try.

And his cheeks are _burning_ as he turns his head and presses a kiss against Fai’s wrist.

That, and his lungs seem to have closed up, a bit.

Why does he feel so nervous?

And Fai’s sharp little inhale does nothing to calm him down. Just makes him close his eyes as he kisses further down Fai’s arm, carefully cradling Fai’s wrist between his fingers, and it’s… okay, this is probably the most sentimental thing he’s ever done, and he feels _ridiculous_ – but then he opens his eyes again, and he really doesn’t feel ridiculous any more.

Because Fai looks stunned.

Eyes wide, mouth open, and his breath coming very, very quickly.

It’s enough to freeze Kurogane in place, leaving them just staring at each other.

Then, he presses another kiss against Fai’s wrist, feeling the heavy pulse of it underneath his lips.

Lingers there, for a moment, before he ducks down to push Fai’s shirt up. Nudges it up and drags a kiss across his stomach, his face going even warmer as he keeps it gentle. Keeps it as careful as he can, pressing his mouth against the soft warmth of Fai’s skin and sliding his hands up under Fai’s shirt to cup his hipbones, feeling his pulse stutter as Fai makes a little sound and tenses up.

And it takes him a second to look up and find his voice.

“Okay?”

He doesn’t sound like himself.

And Fai doesn’t move. Just stares at him, the silence broken only by the rain, until he finally nods, though his gaze skitters away to land somewhere on the ceiling, and… okay, that’s not the ideal reaction.

And all it takes is a second of considering his options before he slides back up and rests himself down on top of Fai, again. Tucks his face down by his ear, feeling the shiver run through Fai.

He’s not going to push. He… alright, he knows himself well enough to know that he… hell, he’d practically be writing his damn feelings into Fai’s skin. No matter how far they’ve both come – no matter how tight Fai’s taken to holding on to him at night, like he’s terrified that Kurogane might disappear before the sun comes up – maybe that’s just a little too much.

Someday, maybe. But it doesn’t have to be today.

And he’s just about to pull back, a bit – maybe Fai will still let him kiss him until they fall asleep – when Fai takes one of Kurogane’s hands and sticks it back up under his shirt, dragging his fingers up and over the soft skin of his stomach until Kurogane’s palm is flat against his chest.

Just like that, Kurogane’s pretty sure that all the air gets sucked out of the tent.

When he pushes himself up, though, Fai’s not looking at him. Eyes on the tent roof, and his skin flushed all the way down his neck, and his breath coming way too hard under Kurogane’s palm.

He looks… more uncomfortable than Kurogane’s seen him in a long time.

And Kurogane can’t move even as Fai closes his eyes, tensing up further, unease written through every inch of him, like… Kurogane doing nothing was also completely the wrong response.

He’s not sure what the _right_ one is, though. Fai’s had problems with intimacy from day one. He’s gotten better about it, sure, and Kurogane might be able to keep helping him with it, if Fai wants to keep letting him; but it’s not Kurogane’s place to push Fai past what he’s comfortable with.

The thought’s barely registered, though, before he realizes that he’s been quiet for too long; because Fai’s trying to squirm out from under him.

“Sorry… sorry, I –”

Kurogane can’t move quickly enough.

Cranes down and presses a kiss against his forehead, his pulse hammering a bit too quickly.

And when he pulls back, Fai’s gone still, again, back to staring at him; and Kurogane feels his face flush as he quickly curls his arms around Fai. Pulls them close and then rolls them so that Fai’s sprawled out on top, plastered right against his chest, pulled tight against him in Kurogane’s arms, until Kurogane loosens his grip and lets his hands drop down to Fai’s hips.

He can’t make Fai stay. But like hell is he going to let him run out without a fight.

And when Fai slowly raises his face from Kurogane’s shoulder, his expression kind of heartbreakingly unsure, Kurogane licks his lips – his mouth has gone desert dry, in aching counterpoint to how tight his chest is – and then carefully rests a hand against Fai’s cheek.

There’s at least one thing that he can clarify, here.

“No sorry.”

It’s not fancy, but it will do. Fai will understand, and that’s all that matters.

And he’s just about to repeat it – because like _hell_ is he going to let Fai feel bad about it – when Fai bites his lip and nods, his eyes closing as one of his hands comes up to rest over Kurogane’s.

“Okay, Kuro-sama.”

It’s shaky, but he sounds like he means it, which is better than Kurogane was expecting. And he only lets them hover there for a second – he can still feel the tension in Fai – before he curls up to wrap his arms around him, feeling some of the tension slide out of both of them as he tugs Fai down and plasters them together again. Holds him there until he can feel Fai’s breathing start to even out, the minutes slowly sliding by as the rain keeps pouring down. And it’s only when Fai sighs, and squirms, a bit – maybe his back’s hurting from being in the same positon for so long – that Kurogane starts reviewing his options. They need some other way to spend the evening, then. Because clearly sex is not happening right now, and he wants Fai to be comfortable. Maybe…

“Chess?"

It sounds a bit ridiculous, even as he says it, finally breaking the long silence. Despite everything, he’s almost expecting Fai to laugh at him.

Fai doesn’t, though. Just nods, and then still doesn’t try to move at all; and Kurogane takes the hint and tightens his grip, sliding a hand down Fai’s back and letting his eyes slip shut.

Just a little longer, then. Maybe they can stay here for just a bit longer.

\- - -

They don’t end up playing chess, after all.

Instead, Fai tugs out their pair of scissors and silently asks for a haircut.

And Kurogane just blinks at him.

All this time, Kurogane’s been taking care of his own hair – it’s not like he cares how it _looks,_ as long as it stays short – and Fai’s been getting Kiyoko’s younger brother to take care of his. Kurogane had found that out, one day, about four months after they’d got here – he’d just assumed that Fai was somehow taking care of it himself, no matter how tricky the back parts would probably be – and then realized that it made a lot of sense. If you were going to trust a stranger near your neck with a sharp object, probably better the kid than one of the random soldiers.

Fai’s never asked him, though. And Kurogane knows that it’s not a trust thing. At this point, he’s pretty that there’s no one that either of them trust more than each other. Kurogane had just figured that he was content with the hair cut bonding exercise routine that he’d set up with Eiji.

So when Fai hands him the scissors, he ends up just blinking stupidly, until Fai mutters something and gently pokes him in the chest, his lips tugging into a little smile; and Kurogane swallows and takes the scissors.

At least Fai seems to be pulling it back together. At least, this time, Kurogane didn’t send him running.

And then they end up watching the rain fall.

They pull the tent doors wide open, and then sit there in the doorway, right at the edge of the rain.

Fai ends up cross-legged in front of him, as Kurogane carefully kneels behind him and trims all the bits that need to be trimmed. Goes about it as carefully as he can, nothing but the sound of the rain and the low snip of the scissors, as Fai just sits there in silence and lets Kurogane cut his hair.

And when Kurogane sets down the scissors and wraps himself up around Fai, resting his chin on Fai’s shoulder and sliding his legs and arms around him, Fai leans back against him without a word. Puts his hands over his arms, and lets Kurogane hold him as the rain just keeps falling.

Maybe that’ll help them, actually. If this keeps up for just one more day, it’ll make them harder to track. It would certainly help with providing them with drinking water, too, so that’s a good –

He only realizes how lost in his thoughts he is when Fai presses a kiss against his arm.

“Thank you.”

It’s so soft, Kurogane can barely hear it over the rain.

And there’s nothing he can do but tighten his grip, his heartbeat skittering painfully again.

He knows damn well that Fai isn’t thanking him for the haircut.

“Any – any time, mage.”

It comes out a bit grumbly, with how hot his face has gone, but it doesn’t matter. At this point, Fai’s made it abundantly clear that he can pick out the meaning behind anything that Kurogane says.

And when Fai turns to press a smile against his bare shoulder, Kurogane lets his eyes slide shut.

Tomorrow. He’ll worry about tomorrow later.

Right now, they have this moment, and he’s not going to spoil it.

And from the way Fai sighs and curls up a bit closer to him, like he’s planning to never move again, maybe he’s thinking the exact same thing.


	13. Yama

When Kurogane wakes up, it’s because Fai’s sitting on top of him.

There’s no sign of any lingering unease from the night before, at least. Judging by the big beaming grin on his face and the way his eyes are close to sparkling, Fai seems back to the bouncy, slightly manic, grinning-like-an-idiot thing that he’s been doing ever since they got together.

… _Got together_. Fuck, what is he, sixteen?

Whatever. He’s not awake enough to care.

Hell, he’s pretty sure the sun’s not even up yet, actually. And Fai’s sitting on top of him, beaming that giant dorky grin of his and looking incredibly pleased with himself. Kurogane kind of wants to strangle him, but more than anything he just wants to kiss him.

He settles for closing his eyes with a groan, bringing his hands up over his face.

_You are so lucky you’re cute, you asshole._

“Ugh. What?”

His voice sounds horrible. He really wants his damn toothbrush.

And then Fai pokes him in the chest and Kurogane opens his eyes again, and he stops caring about anything else.

Because Fai is holding a map.

Beaming at him, bright and happy and beautiful, and holding up an actual honest-to-gods map.

Kurogane’s hands are shaking as he pushes himself into a sitting position – Fai shifts, so that Kurogane can sit up – and then reaches out to take it from Fai, who hands it over without a word.

There’s their encampment, right in the middle, and there’s the river, too, running straight through the center of the map, and… there are towns. Nearby, even. And judging by the legend there are other oases, too. More than one watering spot. And – and _there are towns marked on the map._

Kurogane’s heart is in his throat when he looks up.

And Fai has tears in his eyes, even through how wide he’s grinning.

“Yeah, Kuro-pin. Yeah. Map.”

For a long few seconds, Kurogane can’t do anything but stare at him.

Then, he looks back down, and watches as his own fingers draw across one of the nearby towns.

“How… how did you…”

He trails off, even as Fai’s grin just gets wider, and he squeezes Kurogane’s fingers. Doesn’t try to say anything – just keeps beaming at him – and Kurogane feels stunned straight through.

They’re not just running aimlessly into the desert. They can actually have a destination.

There are _other people_ nearby _._ Other _towns_ , even. It’s not just miles and miles of sand.

Maybe… Sakura and Syaoran and Mokona could be… maybe they could actually be okay.

And he only realizes just how badly he’s still gaping when Fai starts to laugh, the sound choked by his tears, and then all but topples him over, with how suddenly he wraps his arms around him.

“Kuro-tan.”

It sounds happier than Kurogane can deal with, and he lets himself fall, pulling Fai against him.

“Thank you.”

There’s an embarrassing rasp to his voice, but it doesn’t matter.

And when Fai swallows and nods as he burrows closer, Kurogane tightens his grip and holds on.

Maybe this is why Fai had a timeline. Maybe he always knew something that Kurogane didn’t. Maybe he always had a plan to steal this map, somehow, as impossible as it should have been.

It doesn’t matter. Whatever the reason, however Fai did it, they finally have a map.

Now they just need to wait for nightfall, and then they can leave and find their kids.

\- - -

By evening, though, even Fai’s newly discovered unflagging cheer seems to have worn thin.

He’s been walking in circles for hours – they’d agreed to leave in the darkest hours of the night, right towards the end of one of the sentries’ shifts, when they’d all likely be the most tired. Which means they still have hours to go, and Fai’s already looking like he’s ready to tear his hair out.

The constantly crashing thunder isn’t helping, either. It might help them get out unseen, at least, but it’s right above their heads; and after Fai flinches a few times, Kurogane takes a breath.

He needs to calm Fai down. And he needs to calm down a bit, himself.

And he’s just about to open his mouth when Kiyoko steps through the door.

For a moment, they all just stare at each other. Kurogane sitting with his sword ready on the ground, and Fai gone a bit wide-eyed, where he’s in the middle of the room. There’s nothing that should give them away – it’s not like they had a bunch of belongings in the tent to pack up – but Kurogane still feels himself draw too tight; and then Fai’s suddenly grinning, stepping closer to Kiyoko and slipping into that casual smile so easily it’s unnerving.

He’d almost forgotten what it was like to watch Fai go to work on charming someone.

“Chess?”

He looks – and sounds – like an excited puppy, almost, and most of Kiyoko’s sternness washes away, just like that. It’s a game that Fai’s been playing with both Kurogane and Kiyoko, and it’s probably a good thing that he has been. Maybe Fai can talk them out of this.

“Sorry. No chess.”

She reaches out to brush her hand through Fai’s hair, though, and Kurogane’s chest squeezes when Fai laughs and closes his eyes, leaning into it when Kiyoko’s lips pull into a small smile.

That doesn’t look fake, at least. Fai would be the person who could become friends with someone without speaking a single word of the same language.

Kiyoko’s smile fades just as quickly, though, and she drops her hand.

“Battle. Tomorrow.”

And – just like that, all the air in the room draws too tight.

Fai’s definitely not smiling, anymore. And Kiyoko sighs as she turns to face Kurogane.

“Sorry. I know you’re still recovering. I wish I had better news.”

Fai’s eyes are darting back and forth between Kurogane and her, and when Kurogane nods, Kiyoko sighs and reaches out to mess up Fai’s hair, one last time, before she turns to the door.

“Get some rest, okay? We’re leaving bright and early.”

Kurogane just nods, again, as she walks out, and… Fai’s lips are pressed tight together.

There will be no leaving bright and early. They aren’t going to be here by the time the sun rises.

A few more hours. They just need to make it a few more hours.

\- - -

They don’t even make it twenty feet from their tent.

Because Kiyoko’s waiting for them. Her, and four other soldiers, all standing there in the rain.

The light from her lantern is just enough for Kurogane to see her face, and when she takes a step closer, he goes to move between her and Fai – except Fai’s already there.

Standing between her and Kurogane, his knives already out and ready in his hands.

“Don’t.”

Fai's voice might as well be carved from ice.

Kurogane’s heart starts beating very quickly.

Kiyoko doesn’t order an attack, though. Just sighs, even as Kurogane moves to stand beside Fai, his sword sliding out and Fai not even glancing at him as he keeps his eyes fixed on Kiyoko.

He’s every inch the consummate soldier, suddenly. Tensed and ready to spring.

Kiyoko’s still not ordering an attack, though. Just glaring at them, hand on the hilt of her sword.

“I thought you might make a run for it, after that last battle.”

“And I thought you were Fai’s friend.”

He feels the growl roll out through his chest, already tinged with the bitter burn of regret.

He won’t let Fai and him be killed over this. No matter what it takes.

Kiyoko’s expression, though, just slides into something that looks almost angry.

“I _am,_ you ass. But I’m also in charge of you two. And if you go deserting, then it’s my damn life on the line, not yours, so. Forgive me if I’m not willing to make my brother an only child.”

Fai’s still glancing between them, his expression still carved in stone; and Kurogane… okay, that’s something that he and Fai hadn’t know. And – he has no idea what to do, now. He doesn’t want to kill her. Doesn’t want to kill any of them. But if it’s between them and Fai, then –

“So, how about we make a deal, then. You two go back to your tent, right now, and I won’t say a word to anyone. These guys’ll keep quiet, too – and we can pretend this never happened. Deal?”

There’s a hint of steel there, now, and Kurogane really doesn’t have a choice.

And as soon as his growled out, “Fine,” settles between them, Kiyoko nods, and then just keeps standing there, obviously waiting for them to leave. It’s enough to make Kurogane’s skin crawl, and he doesn’t take his hands off his weapons as he turns and leads him away, feeling Fai draw close enough that their elbows are bumping together as they walk.

Neither of them says a word, though, until they get back to their tent. They just stand there in silence, as Kurogane re-lights their lantern; and when he turns back around, Fai is sitting on their little chest with his face in his hands, and Kurogane immediately kneels down in front of him.

"Hey. _Hey_. None of that. We’ll figure something out, we can –”

“Battle. Tomorrow.”

Fai’s voice is flat, as he slides his hand into Kurogane’s, where they’re resting on Fai’s knees. And Kurogane can’t do anything but nod. Battle. That’s what they need to focus on right now.

And he’s just opened his mouth to agree when Fai looks up.

His skin’s gone horribly pale, and there are tears in his eyes; but his expression is still set. Like he has no intention of letting anyone harm a hair on Kurogane’s head. And Kurogane’s so busy dealing with the pang in his chest that he almost jumps when Fai puts a hand against the side of Kurogane’s face, gently curling his fingers against him.

“Stay with me?”

It’s barely a murmur, Fai’s fingers brushing the hair away from his face, and Kurogane needs to take a second to kneel there, before he puts a hand up over Fai’s, too, pressing it against his skin.

“Yeah, Fai. Of course.”

It’s still not enough. Not even close to everything he wants to say.

For now, it’s all they have.

And when Fai’s reaction is to swallow and duck his head down to Kurogane's shoulder, letting Kurogane wrap his arms around him, Kurogane closes his eyes and holds on tight.

One obstacle at a time. Once they get through tomorrow, they can make a plan from there.

For tonight, they need to rest. They can worry about everything tomorrow.

\- - -

Tomorrow comes far too early, and finds them standing shoulder-to-shoulder in a long line of soldiers.

They’re… okay, they’re also a lot closer to the front, this time.

Kurogane’s every instinct is telling him to run, and Fai’s grip on his hand is so tight it might leave bruises. All it does is make Kurogane hold on tighter, too, even as Fai bites his lip and leans, a bit, so that he’s resting his head against Kurogane’s shoulder, his skin completely devoid of colour. The contact helps, a bit, but it does nothing to slow Kurogane’s hammering heartbeat.

How can he get them out of this?

The thought’s barely processed before someone touches his arm, and he turns to find Kiyoko standing there, her lips pressed into a thin line as she leans in close enough for only him to hear.

"Come with me.”

She’s gone almost as soon as she says it, and Kurogane turns to find Fai blinking in a way that looks confused, even as Kurogane sucks in a breath and follows, Fai’s fingers still laced with his. It doesn’t take them long to match step with Kiyoko, once they’re out of the lines of soldiers.

“What are you –”

“You’ve been promoted.”

The shock hits him so badly almost stops walking, but Kiyoko’s still talking.

“You impressed one of the generals last time. They were already considering it, so –”

“But –”

“All they needed was a nudge in the right direction. It’ll get you off the ground, at least.”

She’s still walking, her expression impassive, like she’s not delivering news that could save their lives. And she only slows when Kurogane puts a hand on her elbow, bringing them all to a stop not far from the line of soldiers, with Fai still looking confused and Kurogane’s gut pulling tight.

“Thank you.”

He doesn’t give a damn about the gratitude in his voice.

_It’ll get you off the ground._

She might have just saved their lives.

Kiyoko just shrugs, though, like she’s trying very hard to pretend that this isn’t a big deal; but Kurogane doesn’t miss the softness in her eyes as she looks at Fai, who’s still blinking at them both, obviously not understanding a word of the conversation.

“I wanted to do… something, at least. Now, come on, let’s – I’ll take ya to where our steeds are. Like I said, you’ll be off the ground, so – so yeah. Let’s go, or the other generals’ll get twitchy.”

She’s gone again, just like that, and Fai turns to him, an obvious question on his face; but there’s absolutely no way for Kurogane to explain this one, so he just tugs on Fai’s hand and starts walking again. He’ll get it as soon as he’s given one of those horse creatures to ride on, after all.

_It’ll get you off the ground._

It’s not a permanent solution, of course; but it’ll help keep them alive in the meantime.

\- - -

An hour later finds them on the backs of a couple of horse-like creatures.

They seem decently docile, at least. Well-trained enough to allow two strangers on their backs.

Fai’s shoulders are still stiff, though, where he’s beside Kurogane, their legs brushing with how close they’ve brought their horses; and Kurogane gets it. Generals or not, and regardless of whether or not they’re safer now, they’re still in danger, and they’re still going to have to kill people today.

Not to mention everything else. How trapped they are. How they’ve been letting the kids down, this entire _damn_ time. It all feels like it’s crushing down on Kurogane, and it’s horrible, and…

How can they run for it if Kiyoko will take the fall?

He’d pondered it late into the night, once Fai had fallen asleep. Hell, Fai doesn’t even know about this, yet. Kurogane needs to figure out a way to get it across to him. If they make it through this battle – no, _once_ they make it through this battle – he’ll find some way to draw the situation, so that Fai knows exactly what they’re dealing with, too, but… it means that they’re more trapped than they’ve ever been, and he’s pretty sure it’s going to break Fai’s heart a bit.

How did Kurogane ever let any of this happen?

That first day, when they’d arrived – maybe they should have fought then. Maybe they could have escaped. Maybe Kurogane made the wrong decision, back then, and condemned them to this.

He barely has time to think it, though – barely has time for the sick burn of guilt – before there’s the sound of a horn, and he feels his horse shift restlessly beneath him. It’s enough to have him leaning closer to Fai, bumping their legs together, because Fai’s looking freaked out, again, even under the determined expression on his face, like he’s trying so hard to not be scared of all this.

This is all Kurogane’s fault. But he can’t give up now. Whatever it takes, he’ll find a way out of this.

“Hey. Fai, it’s okay, just – stay with me, right? We just need to get through this, and –”

He stops, though.

Because all the colour’s drained from Fai’s face. So much so that Kurogane whips around to check behind him, and then turns back to Fai, whose eyes are wide.

“What? What is it? Is there –”

“I… I can understand you.”

For a long, long moment, it doesn’t process.

Then, every nerve in Kurogane’s body flares to life.

And he’s leaning up and craning around, instantly, trying to see over the crowds of people.

His heart’s hammering so badly he can barely breath.

_Mokona. Mokona, where are you?_

“Kuro-pon.”

There's a frantic edge to it. Fai’s eyes are still wide, when Kurogane turns back to him.

And then the lines of soldiers start moving, and Kurogane reaches over to grab Fai’s hand. He’s probably squeezing too tightly, but Fai is, too.

“ _Stay with me,_ okay? No matter what, just stay with me, and – we’re gonna find the kids, and –”

“We... we’re getting out of here.”

He sounds almost dazed. Looks it, too. And Kurogane tightens his grip.

“Yeah. Yeah, we are, Fai, we’re –”

There’s the sound of another horn, and the generals around them start moving, making Kurogane drop his hand and take the reins, instead, but – Fai’s nodding, like he has no intention of leaving Kurogane’s sight; and Kurogane carefully takes the nerves inside him and pushes them down.

He needs to keep it together. He can feel everything later.

Right now, he has a couple of kids and a magical white bun to find.


	14. Piffle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And thus concludes the Yama portion of this story. Thank you so much to everyone who's been so supportive while I've been writing this. <3

Kurogane’s not sure what he was expecting, but it wasn’t this.

Because by the time they get to Piffle, he’s pretty sure that he’s been doing more talking than Fai has.

Fai, who could never shut up before, and who just lost the ability to speak for almost six months – and now he’s able to talk, but he’s still mostly silent. If Kurogane had expected anything – and he hadn’t, not really; he’d never thought about what would happen _after_ Yama; he’d just focused on making it through – it would have been for Fai to babble and babble until he’d worn away his voice to nothing.

Kurogane definitely hadn’t expected relative silence.

And it’s not weird to the kids, probably. To them, Fai and Kurogane have only been gone for a couple of days. It’s probably always going to be a weird moment of history, between the five of them – the fact that six months of hell were nothing but a couple of mildly concerned days for Sakura, Syaoran and Mokona – but Kurogane wouldn’t have it any other way. If, by some miracle, the kids were spared six months of separation, then he’s just going to be grateful for it.

Fai’s freaking him out, though.

Because his smiles aren’t quite hitting genuine, and he’s only talking when prompted. There’s also a rather heart-breaking moment when he carefully gathers everyone together before Mokona transports them again. And if Kurogane’s the only one who hears the panic in Fai’s words, well – it’s probably for the best. The kids have enough to worry about, without worrying about Fai, too.

But the panic had definitely been there. And Fai’s still disconcertingly subdued by the time they sell some of their stuff and scrape together enough money to get checked in to their hotel in Piffle. Kurogane has no idea what this world is like, and he doesn’t care right now. It has running water, and that’s all he needs to know. He wants to get Fai into their room, and get them both under a shower, and then do whatever he can to calm Fai down.

He also doesn’t want to let the kids out of his sight, though. Hell, if they wouldn’t probably think it was weird, he’d suggest one room for all five of them. It hasn’t been over half a year for them, though. They’ve still only known Fai and Kurogane for a few weeks. They haven’t had six months to miss then, not like Fai and Kurogane have.

And he knows it’s all going to hit him later. Right now, he’s just a bit numb.

And he only realizes that Fai’s disappeared when Sakura and Syaoran head for each of their rooms, with smiles and promises to see him tomorrow, and Kurogane’s left standing in the lobby alone. Even Mokona’s disappeared, and he’s pretty sure that she hadn’t gone with either of the kids.

What the hell?

And there’s no need for the low, shaky roll of panic through him, but it happens anyway.

They’re in a safe world. Fai is _fine_. Maybe he just went outside for a breather, or something.

And Kurogane’s barely taken a step towards the hotel door when Mokona comes bouncing through it and across the lobby, making a happy sound as she launches herself up into his arms, sighing as he doesn’t even make a pretense of pushing her away. His heart hurts a bit, actually, as she nestles against it, curling up against him like he’s been gone to her for six months, too. And he’s hardly rubbed his fingers against her head before she sighs, and it doesn’t sound as happy, anymore.

“I think Fai-san is unhappy, Kuro-pin. He asked me to tell you that he was going for a walk. I offered to go with him, but he said he needed space to think, though it was sweet of me to offer.”

She doesn’t sound hurt by it – she just sounds kind of sad – and Kurogane very carefully doesn’t tighten his grip around her, for fear of squishing her too hard. Maybe he should have seen this coming, though. Maybe coming back has all been a bit too much for Fai.

“Are you sad, too, Kuro? I… I’m very sorry, if you are. I really didn’t mean to lose you.”

It doesn’t register, for a second, with his brain still stuck on Fai. Then, something stupid and horribly fond happens in his stomach, and he sits back down on one of the chairs, putting a hand on Mokona’s head when she looks up at him, her eyes gone big and sad.

“I – it’s just – there was this big _whoosh_ of power, and Mokona had to –”

“No one’s blaming you, meat bun. I promise.”

It sounds ridiculously gruff, even to his own ears – he’s not _used_ to this, anymore; not used to actually having to _talk_ about things – but it must do the trick, because Mokona smiles up at him, the worry fading from her face, and then snuggles closer, before she sighs and starts to tug away.

“Sorry, Kuro-pin. I’d stay here with you, but Sakura sleeps better when I’m with her, so –”

“Yeah, no – s’fine. Room 427, I think.”

He still sounds pretty gruff. And the heat on his face doesn’t get any better when Mokona crawls up on his shoulder to kiss his cheek, muttering a happy little _thank you_ before she hops down to the floor and heads on her way, smiling at him as she goes. As soon as she’s gone, though, the lobby seems horribly empty and quiet; and he gets to his feet, his eyes drifting towards the main doors.

Maybe he should just let Fai be, then. Maybe he needs some time to think. Hell, maybe he could use some space from Kurogane, even. They’ve been practically living in each other’s pockets for six months. No matter how fond Fai might be of him, maybe he needs a break.

Whatever the case, Kurogane pauses just long enough to talk to the night receptionist, so that whenever Fai comes back they’ll direct him to the right room; and then Kurogane heads for the stairs, his entire body already aching for the warm shower that he knows is waiting for him. 

He’ll just wait, then, until Fai’s done his walk. Maybe he can even have some food ready, by the time he gets back.

For now, though. 

Shower. Kurogane has never needed a shower so desperately in his life.

\- - -

By midnight Fai still isn’t back.

Kurogane had stayed in the shower for about an hour. Had scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed, like it would somehow be possible to scrub Yama right out from underneath his skin. If he never sees another desert in his life, he’ll be very happy.

In the meantime, though, he’s showered, and he’s had some food brought up, and he’s unpacked his few possessions, and… Fai’s still not back, and Kurogane’s maybe getting a bit nervous.

Could something have happened to him? It’s a safer world, apparently, but… still.

Why isn’t he back yet?

And Kurogane only makes it another half hour before he’s just getting up from the bed to go looking when the door opens, and Fai finally steps inside. The room’s dark save for the bedside lamp that Kurogane has lit, but he can see how tight Fai’s expression is. It’s probably not a good sign, and Kurogane takes a breath, and sits back down on the edge of the bed. Why does he feel so nervous?

“You’re back.”

His voice sounds stupid. And it doesn’t help when Fai’s only response is a little half-nod, before he closes the door behind him, not quite looking at Kurogane as he steps into the room, and…

It’s surreal. That’s what it is. After six months, standing here together in this pristine hotel room is just completely surreal.

“Yeah. Sorry. Is there a shower around here? I could really use one.”

It’s disturbingly flat, and Kurogane manages a nod, and inclines his head towards the washroom. Watches as Fai slides out of his shoes, and then crosses the room, still not looking at him; and Kurogane’s still just sitting here, his heart hammering, when he hears the water come on, and… maybe he should have gotten them separate rooms. Maybe this was presumptuous of him.

Maybe Fai doesn’t want to do this, anymore, now that they’re back?

The thought twists up tight inside him, and he shakes his head, like he can shove it away.

No. Fai just needs a bit of space. Kurogane can give him that.

He’s just about worn a hole through the floor by the time Fai comes back out, though. He’s in one of the hotel’s housecoats – same as Kurogane, with how filthy their clothes had been – and his hair’s limp around his face. He’s also still not looking at Kurogane, as he steps back into the room and closes the bathroom door; and Kurogane’s not sure why the space between them feels so massive, but it does. And he can see the tension wound into the tight set of Fai’s shoulder.

“This was easier when we couldn’t talk, huh.”

It’s gruff, in a way he hasn’t heard from himself in a while. And it’s stupid. This whole situation is stupid. They’re still the same people they were a day ago.

So why does everything feel different?

And Fai doesn’t answer. Just shrugs, his eyes on the carpet. Kurogane carefully stays where he is, even as the silence starts to drag. Just stays there until Fai swallows, his hands twisting in front of him, like he’s fighting the urge to run, or hoping that the floor will swallow him, and…

Kurogane can feel how hard his heart’s pounding. Can feel every helpless thought skittering through his head, slamming around and making it hard to breathe.

Is everything different now? Is Fai… ending this? Were he and Fai… maybe they really _were_ just a circumstantial thing, after all? Did Kurogane somehow misinterpret everything _that_ badly?

No. That’s _impossible_. He’s being stupid. Fai’s just overwhelmed.

And when Fai looks up and opens his mouth, Kurogane nearly trips on the words.

“Look, we – we don’t need to talk about a damn thing, just –”

He pauses, though, because – _wow,_ this is difficult. Especially with Fai staring at him like that. He’d forgotten, somehow, how hard it was to actually _talk_ about things.

Doesn’t matter. Kurogane’s waited months to talk to Fai. He’s not going to fuck it up now.

“Kuro-tan…”

“Just… don’t… push me away. Please.”

His heart is hammering, instantly. And the creeping wave of unease skitters out across his skin. He’d though that Fai wouldn’t hurt him with any of this. He’d thought that they were beyond that. That he could make himself vulnerable with him. Was he wrong about that, too?

And Fai doesn’t look at him. Just keeps staring at the floor; and Kurogane barely stays where he is, but…

No. He wasn’t wrong about that. He knows he wasn’t. Kurogane’s been vulnerable for months, now, even since before they stopped dancing around each other; and Fai’s never once trampled on that. And if Kurogane wants honesty, here, then he’d damn well better offer it in return.

It’s enough to let him take a step forward, though the words get stuck in his scratchy throat.

“I just mean – whatever’s going on in your head, right now – that’s all I’m asking, okay? Just… don’t push –”

“Fine.”

Fai’s still not looking at him, though. He looks like a gentle breeze would knock him over, and… it’s been months since Kurogane’s seen him like this. Wasn’t coming back supposed to be a _good_ thing?

Maybe it’s not that simple. Maybe it’s all just too much to process.

And he gets the words out, as much as his hands are aching to touch.

“Do you – want me here? Or would you rather be alone?”

It’s not a good thought. He really doesn’t want to leave Fai alone, right now. And Kurogane’s so gone, too, at this point, that he’s not sure if he’ll even be able to sleep without Fai next to him. Whatever Fai needs, though. Whatever –

“Don’t you ever get tired of trying to not step on my toes, Kuro-sama?”

His voice is very quiet, but there’s a thin line of tension there.

And Kurogane feels the unease burn right down into his gut, choking out his words. The answer is obvious, though. Obvious and immediate. And he needs to say it, no matter how unnerving it is.

“No. No, I don’t.”

Fai doesn’t say anything, but Kurogane can see his fists clench a bit tighter.

It does nothing to help Kurogane keep talking. Does nothing to help with the burn on his face. This is important, though. No matter how hard it is to say.

“But… even if I did, it’d be worth it.”

The instant twist of insecurity, as he says it, almost makes him regret it, but – he can’t. Fai needs to hear this. Whatever the fuck is going on in his head, he needs Kurogane to be honest.

He’s not expecting Fai to flinch, his eyes squeezing shut.

“I… I think I would like to – to be alone, right now, if that’s – if that’s –”

“I mean it, Fai. I –”

“I _know,_ I know you do, a-and – and I – _please_ , can you… just…”

He cuts himself off, eyes still squeezed shut; and Kurogane quickly takes a step back.

Fai is panicking. Kurogane can see him panicking. And being here doesn’t seem to be helping. It’s somehow enough to give him the strength to fight every instinct he has and take another step away.

“Let me gather my stuff. I’ll leave a note at the front desk, in case you want my room number.”

Fai doesn’t respond. Doesn’t even nod. And he’s still there by the time Kurogane’s gathered up his meager belongings, ignoring how unsteady his hands are as he shoves everything into his bag.

It’s okay, though. Fai just needs space. Kurogane can give him that.

He can’t quite make his feet take him through the door, though. And Fai hasn’t moved from his spot in the middle of the room, when Kurogane grits his teeth and turns back around to face him.

For a moment, the silence just hangs. Then, Kurogane take a deep breath.

“You asked me to stay, Fai. As long as you want me, I’m not going anywhere.”

It’s probably the most honest he’s ever been. It’s not a feeling he much enjoys, really. Fai probably needs to hear it, though, given that he’s flashing hot and cold again. Probably needs to know that this isn’t a deal-breaker, since plenty of people would probably be fed up, by now.

Well, to absolute hell with that. Kurogane’s not going anywhere.

And when Fai finally looks up at him, his eyes have gone wide in the dark room; and Kurogane quickly turns and walks out, his skin crawling unpleasantly under the weight of that gaze.

He thought he’d understood vulnerability before. He was wrong.

He probably couldn’t have been more obvious if he’d tried.

And now he just needs to hope that Fai doesn’t take that honesty and trample all over it.

It’s not a good thought, and his stomach’s still turning by the time he gets checked in to another room. It looks exactly like the one he just left; and he eyes the bed for a moment before he drops his bag on the floor and gingerly lies down on top of the blankets, curling up a bit on himself.

He’s okay. Everything’s okay. He’d thought they were past this, sure, but if they’re not, that’s okay. He can be patient. He can weather this, just like he has every other time Fai’s panicked.

Hell, maybe Fai’s not even panicking about _them._ Maybe it’s just… everything.

Whatever the case, he just… doesn’t want to think about it anymore, tonight.

He’ll deal with everything tomorrow. He’s just – he’s _way,_ way too tired, right now.

The minute he closes his eyes, though, he’s immediately back in Yama; and he quickly sits back up.

Fuck. _Fuck._ That’s really, _really_ not what he needs right now.

He can’t sit here, though. If he just sits here all night, he’s going to drive himself crazy over Fai.

Gods, he just needs to _sleep._ Everything will be easier to deal with in the morning. Right now, he just really, really needs to – but his stomach is still churning, and _why_ is his entire chest so sore?

Stupid question. He knows why.

And his teeth are grinding as he makes himself pull back the blankets, doing his best to get comfortable as he closes his eyes again, smelling sand and grit and sword polish, and feeling the phantom warmth of a body pressed up against his own.

He’s pretty sure it’s going to be a long time before he falls asleep.


	15. Piffle

Nothing feels real for the next couple of days.

Kurogane gets a job hauling boxes at one of the local airfields. It’s nothing glamorous, but the hotel isn’t cheap, and they need the money. And at least it gives him something else to focus on.

Sakura and Syaoran both end working as servers at a nearby café, and Fai somehow manages to talk himself into a rather high-ranking host position. Kurogane’s not exactly surprised. Whatever the hell is going on in Fai’s head, it doesn’t seem to be affecting his ability to put his mask on.

Kurogane can tell the difference, though. Mokona, too, maybe, from the way she’s taken to following Fai around more than anyone else, taking up a permanent position on his shoulder. And Kurogane’s not sure if the kids know Fai well enough, yet, to realize just how messed up he is right now; but it’s all so glaringly obvious to Kurogane, it’s amazing that he ever couldn’t tell the difference. And after months of genuine little smiles directed his way, watching Fai turn on the charm for the world around him – watching him slide back into that thing that he does, where he wears that armour of words and smiles – kind of makes Kurogane want to scratch off his own skin.

It doesn’t help that Fai can’t seem to look at him.

He can’t seem to look at him, and he keeps going out of his way to not be around him.

Kurogane knows better than to be hurt, but – he still is, anyway.

It’s probably barely got anything to do with him. And he knows what it’s like to need space.

It still hurts a bit, though.

And then, in the midst of it all, it kind of finally hits Kurogane that he’s back.

He’s just come back to the hotel after a ten-hour shift, and his bones are aching; and then he walks into the lobby, and Sakura and Syaoran are sitting side-by-side on one of the couches. Smiling at each other, shy and sweet, with their hands not-quite-touching on the couch between them, and Mokona jumping back and forth between their shoulders; and Kurogane stares at them all for a long moment, before he walks right across the room and kneels down so that he’s at eye-level with both of the kids, though what he really wants is to wrap his arms around everyone.

He can’t, though. Sakura and Syaoran don’t know him well enough yet. They already look shocked enough as it is.

“Kurogane-san?”

Sakura’s blinking at him, her mouth hanging open. Syaoran’s eyes are a bit wide, too. Even Mokona looks a bit confused, where she’s stopped jumping around and is just staring at him.

And Kurogane has to clear his throat, under the weight of everything cracking inside him.

_We lost you. We lost you for six months._

It doesn’t matter. They’re back. They’re _finally_ all back together.

Kurogane’s never losing any of them again. Whatever it takes, he’s never losing them.

“… Kurogane-san, are you –”

“Do you, um. Want to go do something?”

It twinges, in his chest, even as he says it.

It doesn’t matter. He can be vulnerable. These three are certainly never going to use it against him.

They’re all just still blinking at him, though, and he clears his throat, feeling heat burn down his face.

“I just mean – I don’t know, dinner, or – or I think I saw some museums, nearby, or – um –”

"Mokona would love dinner!”

She cuts him off as she jumps over onto his shoulder – and it’s a good thing, too, because Kurogane’s voice had been fading, the words slipping away under a tide of embarrassment – and he’s just raised a hand to rest on her head when Sakura and Syaoran glance at each other, and then turn back to him with matching smiles, looking for all the world like a couple of excited kids, suddenly, as though they haven’t spent the last month fighting so hard just to make it here.

It does nothing to make Kurogane’s chest hurt any less.

And by the time Sakura and Syaoran have scrambled off to get ready, all but skipping across the lobby with Mokona on their heels, Kurogane’s heart’s still aching unpleasantly, and he uses the couch to push himself up off his knees, doing his best to ignore the twinge in his legs as he does.

He has no idea what he’s doing, here. But if it’ll make those three smile, it’s worth it.

And then he turns around, and Fai’s standing right there. Staring at him, a bit wide-eyed, like he hadn’t meant to run into him.

And Kurogane… has absolutely no idea of what to say.

Can’t even breathe, as the silence between them just stretches worse and worse. Then, Fai swallows, and his lips turn up into a shaky little smile that’s so hesitant it hurts to look at.

"Look… look at you go, Kuro-daddy.”

It’s so soft, settling in the air between them, that it’s a wonder Kurogane hears it. And there’s no trace of mockery there. None whatsoever. Kurogane should really kill this idea, right the hell now, but he can’t. Because Fai’s eyes are soft, and he sounds like he means it.

Kurogane ends up staring at the floor, raising a hand to rub the back of his neck, feeling the heat there. And all he manages is a shrug, with the way he kind of wants to sink into the lobby floor.

If he blushes any worse his skin is going to catch fire.

When he manages to look up, though, Fai’s still smiling at him, looking a bit less shattered, now, than he has in days, and… Kurogane swallows, and carefully shoves his hands into his pockets.

He’s never wanted to be close to someone this desperately in his whole life.

“It’ll do them good. Take their mind off things.”

It’s so gruff it’s amazing he even gets it out. All he wants is to step forward.

_Stop doing this to us, please._

He doesn’t say it. Doesn’t move forward, either. Even with Fai’s smile softens even further, his eyes sliding into something so _fond_ Kurogane can barely breathe for it – because he’s not imagining that, he _knows_ he’s not; Fai’s looked at him like that for _months_ – before Fai suddenly seems to realize what he’s doing, his eyes skittering away as he wraps his arms around himself.

“Anyway, I – I won’t keep you, Kuro-ron, I know –”

“Come with us?”

The words barely make it out, with the way they’re stuck in throat, and he regrets it immediately.

Pushing. He’s pushing again. And he’s already shaking his head when Fai swallows, something like guilt flashing across his face.

“I…”

“No, it’s fine. I shouldn’t have –”

“That’s not – you didn’t –”

“Just – we’re around if you need us, alright?”

Because – it’s true. He knows it is. Sakura and Syaoran have liked Fai since day one, and Mokona’s always treated him like he’s one of the greatest things to ever happen to the world.

Maybe Fai knows that, though. Maybe that’s exactly why this is all scaring him.

And when Fai goes back to just staring at him, Kurogane swallows and turns away, despite the way that every little bit of him is screaming at him to stay.

He doesn’t, though. He just crosses the room to the elevators and doesn’t look back.

He'd promised the kids dinner. He can sit around and feel like shit over Fai later.

\- - -

Dinner is simultaneously one of the worst and the best things he’s ever experienced.

Mokona keeps up a running commentary the whole time, inhaling enough food for someone Kurogane’s size, and Sakura and Syaoran huddle over the paper tablecloth together, trying to draw what looks like some random little animal family. By the time they’re done, Syaoran’s sloths all have flower crowns, with Sakura grinning to herself as she adds in all the foliage; and it’s all so incredibly adorable that it’s a wonder Kurogane doesn’t reach over the table and hug them.

At the same time, though, as cute as the three of them are… Fai should be here.

There’s an empty seat, right beside him. The table doesn’t feel right, with only the four of them. There’s an empty space, where there should be kind teasing and soft laughs and gentle smiles.

And the kids don’t ask. Fai's absence is a glaring one, but none of them say a word about it. Maybe they know that Kurogane’s trying to not think about it.

Whatever the reason, by the time Kurogane makes it back to his room, he’s exhausted.

He hurts right down to his bones, worse than he has after any battle. All he wants is to sleep.

And Fai’s sitting on the floor, right in front of his door, with his bag beside him, and his knees pulled up to his chest.

For a long moment, they just stare at each other, the hotel hallway drawing still around them.

Then, Fai swallows and slowly pulls himself to his feet, not quite able to look at him.

“Can I… can I come in?”

His shoulders are hunched, and he looks like he wants to wrap his arms around himself.

Kurogane stares for a second longer, and then he steps past Fai and carefully unlocks the door, his heart hammering as Fai turns without another word, silently following him inside.


	16. Piffle

Kurogane barely gets them through the door and turns on the bedside lamp before Fai crosses to the other side of the room. Drops his bag on the ground, and puts as much space between them as he can, suddenly seeming to be very interested in one of the paintings on the wall. It’s so transparent it’d be laughable, maybe, if not for how miserable the situation is.

As is, it’s not at all funny. And Kurogane’s not just going to stand here and stare like an idiot while Fai figures out what to say. At the very least he can make some tea, or something. He’s barely turned towards the teapot, though, before Fai’s voice breaks the silence.

“I can’t care about you like this.”

It takes a second for the words to register. Then, the tiny teacup cracks, a bit, in Kurogane’s hand. Small hairline fractures, all along the length of his palm.

“I’d leave, if I could. Make this easier on both of us. But I can’t.”

Kurogane’s never heard him sound so miserable. And his legs are barely working, as he sets the teacup down, and turns to face him. Fai’s still facing the wall, the hunch of his back a solid line of tension, straight across his shoulders. And when Kurogane can’t seem to say anything, he wraps his arms around himself.

“I should have never gone near you in the first place. Don’t know what I was thinking, actually.”

There’s an edge to it, suddenly. Something that sounds a lot like self-loathing, maybe. And Kurogane’s just opened his mouth – _what the hell, Fai_ – when Fai’s already talking, again, his voice dropping down so low it’s barely audible, even in the dead silence of their hotel room.

“I’m… going to break your heart, someday, Kuro-ron. Whether… whether it’s in a month, or a year, or… I can only – run, for so long. Someday, my past is going to catch up, and then…”

He trails off, but Kurogane categorically can’t speak.

_Break your heart someday._

“And then you’re going to hate me. You – you’re going to learn things that… I… I’m not a good person. I – did something horrible, once, and… I’m trying to fix it. But –”

“Then – then let us _help_ you –”

“You can’t.”

“But –”

“You _can’t_.”

“How do you –”

“And I know it’s not fair, after what we’ve been through, to ask you to pretend that nothing ever happened between us, but… that’s exactly what I’m asking. Think we can do that, Kuro-pon?”

It’s remarkably steady, again, by the end. Like he’s trying very hard to keep it that way. Even from across the room, though, Kurogane can see how badly he’s shaking. Can see the way his hands have balled into fists at his sides. And he doesn’t even have to consider his answer.

“No.”

Because – like hell. Not when it’s not what either of them wants.

From the way Fai sighs, it’s probably the answer he was expecting.

Before he can say anything, though, Kurogane’s already across the room.

And when Fai freezes, Kurogane doesn’t try to nudge him around. Just ducks down a bit, and puts his hands on Fai’s elbows, until his nose is brushing against the back of Fai’s head, and his hands are sliding down to his hips. There’s a low thrum of panic, suddenly, woven right through him.

He _can’t_ fuck this up. He needs Fai to get it.

“Kuro…”

“I don’t care what you’ve done. Alright?” His heart’s beating very hard. He can hear the shake in his voice. He _can’t_ get this wrong. “I don’t care if you’re lying, and – keeping secrets, and –”

“But –”

“Do you honestly think that ending this would make us care less?”

His nose brushes against Fai’s hair, as he says it.

All those nights. All those nights they lied on the damn desert ground, molded together almost exactly like this, with Kurogane’s face buried in Fai’s hair, and Fai’s hands latched on to his arms. They’re so far past the point of being able to go back. And when Fai doesn’t say anything, Kurogane knows it’s because there’s no way to argue that. They’re already both screwed. Going back to sleeping alone isn’t going to change a damn thing, and Fai has to know that.

From the way he sucks in a breath, though, he’s about to put up a last protest; and Kurogane cuts him off by pressing up against him and wrapping his arms around him. Finally closes that distance, pulling Fai’s smaller body back against his and pressing his cheek against the softness of Fai’s hair, holding on as tight as he can, like he can get it through, that way, just how much he cares; and Fai doesn’t last five seconds before he curses and turns in Kurogane’s arms. Fists his hands into Kurogane’s shirt and plasters himself against him, pressing his face into his chest, in that way that he seems to love doing; and Kurogane closes his eyes, something inside him finally slotting back into place.

He hadn’t doubted that Fai cared for him, too. With everything they’ve been through, it was kind of obvious. But hearing it out loud – that helps.

He can process what that means later, though. Right now, he needs to hold Fai together.

“You worry about everyone else, you know.” With Fai pressed against him like this, it’s easy to slide hand down his back, with Fai curling closer to him, like he can’t help himself. “You worry about me. Or the kids, or about what you should do, and you never give a shit about yourself –”

“But –”

“What do _you_ want, Fai?”

It’s a dangerous question, maybe. The answers are probably things that Fai never lets himself contemplate. And Kurogane just stands there and waits him out, trying to breathe, until Fai finally swallows, his quiet shaky little whisper of _you_ nearly getting lost in Kurogane’s chest. And whatever doubts Kurogane may have had left, they crash and evaporate just like that.

_You._

That’s all Kurogane ever needed to hear.

And if his voice catches, on the way out, well – he needs to keep it together a bit longer.

“Then… then it’s that simple.”

“It’s not –”

“Then we _make_ it that simple.”

“But –”

“Look, I don’t have a fucking clue what you’re running from. Maybe someday you’ll tell me.” It’s a pipe dream, probably. Or maybe one day Fai won’t have a choice but to tell him. Either way, Kurogane will be there. Whatever happens, he’s not going anywhere. “For now, though –”

“Kuro-tan…”

“You’ve got – us. A whole bunch of us who… care. So, whatever’s wrong, whatever you’re scared of – let’s all of us figure out what do about it together, alright? Just… just trust us, okay?”

He slides his hands down Fai’s back and shoulders, again, until they’re resting against the small of his back, his fingers spanning out almost far enough to touch his hips. And then he just stays like that, as Fai doesn’t say anything. He’s breathing very hard, and his hands are yanked so tight in Kurogane’s shirt it’s a wonder he’s not tearing the fabric, as the seconds just keep sliding by.

Somehow, some way, Kurogane’s pretty sure that, whatever decision Fai is making here, it’s bigger than anything Kurogane could take a guess at. Maybe he’ll know, someday. Maybe.

As is, all he can do right now is hold on to Fai and let him think. And when Fai finally swallows, shoving his face even harder against him, Kurogane takes a breath and tightens his grip.

_Come on, Fai. Let us help you. Let us –_

“Okay.”

It’s soft, but it’s there. One word. That’s all Kurogane needs, right now. To know that Fai gets it. Before he can say anything, though, Fai’s talking, again, the words muttered into the safety of his shirt.

“Okay, I’ll… trust you. Hell, maybe… maybe we actually _can_ figure something out. Maybe –”

“Well, we’ve dealt with everything else so far.”

His face is burning, suddenly. And there’s nothing he can do about it, or about how gruff his voice sounds. Maybe Fai deciding to trust him is just a bit more than he can deal with.

_Thank you. Thank you for not running._

“I… I guess we kind of have.” It’s still soft, like he’s still trying to hide; but Kurogane can feel a smile starting to form against his chest. “You… you should have seen yourself in that desert, by the way. I’ve never seen anything so stubborn in all my life. You never gave up on getting us out of there, did you?”

“Course not.”

This isn’t helping with the burn across his face, though. And, unlike Fai, Kurogane doesn’t have anywhere to hide for this conversation. He’s just going to have to make do with pressing his face into Fai’s hair, and hope that Fai stays where he is for a bit, until Kurogane can get it together.

Still, though. There’s something he needs to ask. As awful as this is going to be.

_Someday I’m going to break your heart._

Because… has he really been _that_ glaringly obvious?

“Um, about…” He feels his teeth grit, the words trying to skitter away. How does he put this? “About… this. Us. Was I, um…” Shit, this is _ridiculous,_ he needs to just _ask_. “Have I really been that obvious?”

The second it’s out, though, he wants to curl up under the bed and die. Having Fai in his arms – and knowing that he’s here to _stay_ , this time – it helps with the embarrassment, yes, but… gods, when did Kurogane become such a lovesick idiot? And then everything just gets worse, because he can feel Fai’s smile fade, but it’s replaced by Fai swallowing and sliding his hands down his back, light and easy and gentle, as though he thinks that Kurogane’s the one who needs to be soothed, for once.

As much as he hate hates the idea, maybe Fai’s… not completely wrong.

“I, uh… I just meant…”

“You look at me like I hung the moon, Kuro-sama.” It’s incredibly soft, and it takes a second to really process. Then, it’s an actual visceral reaction, how badly he wants to squirm away. How tiny the room suddenly feels, how little air he’s getting. Oh _gods,_ oh _fuck,_ he does _not_ – “You do. Even when you’re glaring, you –”

“I – I-I –”

“S’not a bad thing, you know. If you didn’t, we might have never got here.”

There’s a brush of Fai’s nose, against his chest, his voice still soft and low, like he’s still trying to reassure Kurogane, for once; and Kurogane closes his eyes, and tries to let him. Stands there, in Fai’s arms, and feels the tension start to bleed out of him, tiny little increments, until it’s all being swept away under the gentle slides of Fai’s hands. Like there’s still some magic to Fai’s touch, soothing and calming in a way that settles soft and easy across Kurogane’s body, until everything inside him stops feeling frantic. 

That, and there’s truth to what he said, too. Maybe they wouldn’t have got here, if Kurogane hadn’t been such an obvious idiot. And when he finally nods, he can feel Fai smile; and it’s enough to make Kurogane close his eyes. His cheek’s still pressed against Fai’s hair, and he can feel Fai’s heart hammering between them. He’s pretty sure he could stay like this forever. And Fai must have the same idea, because he just holds on and holds on, breathing soft against Kurogane’s chest, until he finally swallows, some amount of insecurity bleeding back into the sound.

“So… so what now?”

It’s a good question. They’ve been so all over the place, these last six months. Where do they go from here? Besides the obvious, of course. Mainly that it’s two in the morning and Fai must be exhausted. And Kurogane is so, so tired of closing his eyes and seeing sand and blood, with Fai’s body a phantom press up against his own. He never wants to relive the last few days ever again.

And now he doesn’t have to. He’s got Fai back, again. All he wants is to get them both under the covers. Of course, there’s something else that they really should do, considering how the last half hour has gone.

“We could start by maybe actually… ya know. Looking at each other.”

He makes his ears burn, just saying it. But it’s true. Go figure that they could only have this conversation without actually looking at each other. Kurogane’s never seen himself as someone with intimacy issues, but maybe Fai’s not the only one. Maybe they’re going to have to help each other with that.

Whatever the case, it gets a little laugh out of Fai – low and a bit watery, but definitely there, in a way that makes Kurogane’s heart squeeze – and then Fai hesitates, a bit longer, his face shoved even harder into Kurogane’s chest, and his body feeling a bit tense, again, before he finally pulls away. He doesn’t look at him, immediately – his eyes stay fixed on his chest, even as Kurogane tries to make himself keep watching, despite how hot his face is – and then Fai’s eyes meet his, and Kurogane feels like he’s been kicked right in the ribs. Fai’s eyes are damp, and he’s gone bright pink, and he looks exhausted, and embarrassed, and maybe still a bit unsure, but…

He looks _happy._ And Kurogane’s throat tightens something awful as he brushes a strand of hair out of Fai’s face. Watches as Fai swallows and leans in to it, keeping his eyes open the whole time; and Kurogane only realizes that his own eyes are damp when he’s already blinking, hard, and looking away. Fai, miraculously, doesn’t say a word. Just rubs a thumb along his cheekbone, soft and gentle and like Kurogane’s not standing in front of him making an ass of himself.

Maybe it’s okay, though. It’s Fai. Kurogane’s safe here.

It still takes him a moment longer to find his words, with how hot his eyes are, and with how everything’s stuck in his throat. Takes him a moment to blink through the too much of it all. He needs to get them into bed, though. With how wrung out they are, right now, sleep is probably their best bet.

That, and Kurogane’s pretty sure that Fai’s probably hated sleeping alone just as much as Kurogane has. And now, finally, they don’t have to.

“Do… do you, um – wanna sleep here?” It still sounds horribly hoarse, and Kurogane swallows and tries again, his heart beating very hard. “I mean – unless… unless you want some time to –” Fai’s already shaking his head, letting his fingers brush against Kurogane’s cheek; and Kurogane swallows. “Need anything from your room, then?” It gets him another shake of Fai’s head, and Kurogane’s just opened his mouth again when Fai leans up to kiss his cheek, soft and damp and with his fingers still pressing gentle against his skin, and – alright. Kurogane can take a hint.

And it’s easy as anything to step back and deal with the blankets, pulling himself away from Fai just long enough to get the bed ready; and then he’s lying down on his side, his face going horribly hot all over again, with Fai watching him in the dim light; and then Kurogane’s embarrassment doesn’t matter, because Fai’s expression dips back into slightly unsure, again. Slightly hesitant, until Kurogane reaches out and tugs him down; and then all the tension melts of out of Fai, easy as that, under the touch of Kurogane’s hands; and they end up lying beside each other, with Kurogane curling up around him as naturally as though they never stopped. Kurogane’s not sure if he’s ever going to be able to sleep alone again, actually. He can’t breathe properly unless Fai’s here.

From the way Fai twists onto his side, sighing from somewhere deep inside him as he melts into Kurogane’s arms, curling up close against him, his arms tucked in between them and his face pressed into his chest and Kurogane’s arms tight around him, maybe Fai feels exactly the same.

And they barely make it through a few seconds of silence before Kurogane reaches around Fai to turn off the lamp, plunging the room into mostly darkness as he tugs the blankets up over both of them, and then tightens his grip, pulling Fai as close as they can possibly get. Kurogane’s barely settled his chin against the top of Fai’s head before Fai swallows, his voice soft in the darkness.

“Thank you.”

It’s hard to catch, even with the nearly non-existent space between them; and Kurogane closes his eyes. He’d dreamed so long of doing this in a bed, and now they finally, finally can.

“For what?”

There are a few seconds of silence, with Fai’s fingers rubbing against Kurogane, shaky little circles that feel just as soothing as his earlier attempts. Then, Fai’s breath shudders out of him, and he curls in as close as he can get, tucking his head under Kurogane’s chin, like he’s trying to hide. There’s a tension to him, suddenly, and Kurogane carefully slides a hand down his back.

“Fai…”

“For… not giving up on me.”

His voice drops so low it’s hardly even a whisper, like he’s almost scared to say it; and Kurogane can feel the tension tug even higher, twisted straight through Fai’s slender body. And as much as the words sting – he’s not sure how long it’s been since Fai’s had someone who would fight for him, and that’s something that he doesn’t want to think too hard on – the answer is easy, at least.

“Never.”

Because Kurogane’s not going anywhere. They’ve made it this far. Whatever this world – or any world – throws at them, at least they can deal with it together. That’s got to count for something.

And it must be the right response, because Fai stays rigid, for a few more seconds, before he sighs, all the tension seeping back out of him as he swallows and curls closer, a soft murmur of _Kuro-sama_ falling between them as he clings on to Kurogane like he can’t get close enough; and Kurogane swallows and nods, pressing his hands tight against Fai’s back and tugging him closer, a deep breath rattling through him as he close his eyes and presses his face into Fai’s hair.

 Maybe it took them a long time to get here, but they finally did. And whatever happens next, at least they can face it together.


	17. Piffle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the hella long delay on this chapter, and thank you so much to everyone who's left such lovely comments and sent me such incredibly supportive and kind messages. Ya'll are seriously the best, and I count myself so incredibly lucky to be part of this fandom.

When Kurogane slowly stirs towards consciousness, it’s because Fai is talking. It’s a bit disorienting, in the mostly dark – there’s light trickling in front outside, the city still lit up and bustling, no matter that it’s the middle of the night – but then the words start to register, pressed against his spine, right between his shoulder blades, with the way Fai’s latched on against his back. They probably look ridiculous, with him cradled in Fai’s arms like this – but then Fai sighs, and Kurogane tries to focus, his eyes adjusting to bring in more of the room’s muted details.

How long has Fai been lying here babbling?

“Feels weird, doing this, now that you can understand me.” It’s barely a whisper, right against his back, and Kurogane tries to blink his eyes open, his stomach twisting under the painful image that that evokes. Had Fai done this in Yama? “Riskier, maybe. Though I think I might be past the point of caring. You must have figured out that I love you, by now. Not much more damage I can do.”

Fai’s voice drifts off into a sigh, but Kurogane absolutely and utterly cannot move. Everything in his head is white noise. His heart’s going to beat out of his chest.

“You’ll get it, eventually, Kuro-sama. That... that I don’t deserve you. ‘Til then, I guess I’ll just try to enjoy this. At least when it all comes crashing down, I’ll have known what happiness felt –”

“Fai.”

It’s embarrassingly high and thin, but it really doesn’t matter. Fai loves him?

And then Fai’s going completely still, before he’s scrambling backwards, yanking himself away as though Kurogane’s burned him; and Kurogane rolls as fast as he can, but it’s too late. Fai’s already out of the bed, his eyes wide as he stumbles so badly he nearly hits the wall; and Kurogane’s hardly got his mouth open before Fai moves towards the door, hand already out – and then he stops. Freezes, right where he is, looking like he’s practically vibrating in place.

Kurogane can’t move.

Fai’s not running, though. Standing there, frozen; and Kurogane’s blood is roaring in his ears. Fai looks like a startled animal, his eyes wide in the dim light, but… he’s not running. He’s still here.

Kurogane can’t move, though. Can’t do anything until Fai finally swallows, turning back to face him. He’s very determinedly staring at the carpet, but at least he’s still in the room, and… maybe Kurogane shouldn’t say anything. They’d always communicated well that way, after all.

Instead, he slides his legs over the side of the bed, and holds out his hand, his heart hammering. Leaves his hand there until Fai finally looks at him, eyes wide and blue even in the dim light; and then he swallows and steps forward. Takes Kurogane’s hand, wordlessly letting Kurogane tug him into his lap, until they’re perched like that, with Kurogane’s arms around him and his face pressed against his chest, and Fai’s arms slid around the back of his neck, latching on to him.

Kurogane’s never letting go again. Never never _never._

"I… I thought you were asleep.”

It’s ridiculously soft, with his fingers sliding down Kurogane’s back. Kurogane shakes his head, and buries his face further against Fai’s chest. He can feel how badly he’s shaking, but he can’t stop. His eyes are itchy, too, and his throat is tight, and oh, gods, what has Fai _done_ to him?

“Kuro-sama?” There’s a note of concern there, now, and Kurogane shakes his head again and holds on tighter. He’s not going to cry. He’s _not._ “I… I thought you knew… I thought…”

Kurogane can’t seem to do anything but shake his head. He feels like he’s flying apart. And then Fai swallows and tugs him closer, cradling Kurogane’s head against his chest and pressing a gentle kiss into his hair; and Kurogane squeezes his eyes shut.

He’d known Fai cared. This is different.

He should probably be scared by his own reaction, too, but it’s okay. He’s safe here.

“Oh, Kuro-pon.” It sounds almost apologetic, his fingers still gentle against Kurogane’s back, one of his hands playing against the back of his neck and up into his hair. “I thought…” He trails off, again, swallowing hard, and it’s… weird, being the one being comforted, for once. He thinks he could get used to it, though, if it means Fai holding him like this. “I honestly thought…”

This time when he stops, Kurogane doesn’t even manage to shake his head. And Fai just keeps holding him there, for a long moment, until he swallows and tries to push at his shoulders.

“Look, why don’t we… get horizontal again, okay? Let’s –” Kurogane doesn’t mean to tighten his arms. It just kind of happens. And Fai pauses, before he sighs and smiles into his hair, arms resting heavier against him as he tugs Kurogane closer. “Or this. This works, too.”

It’s horribly gentle, like he thinks that Kurogane needs to be soothed, or something; and some distant part of Kurogane knows that he should be embarrassed, but… with Fai holding him like this, he just can’t care. He can’t do anything but swallow, shoving his face deeper into Fai’s chest. It’s still not enough to stop the tremble in his arms, but that’s okay, too. He’s safe.

And he’s not sure how long they sit like that, pressed together in the dark, until Fai shifts and tightens his arms, trying to nudge him again, hands still gentle on his back.

“Come on. You’ll be comfier lying down, you know.”

There’s a kiss against his temple, too, and it’s enough to break through the haze, a bit; and Kurogane… still isn’t embarrassed, somehow, even as he lets Fai nudges him down on the bed, until Kurogane’s on his back with Fai splayed out on top of him. He weighs next to nothing, pressed against Kurogane’s body; and Kurogane squeezes his eyes shut and wraps his arms around him. His heart’s still up in his throat, and his stomach’s swooping uncomfortably; and he only realizes that his hands are moving, trying to drag him closer, when one’s slid up under the back of Fai’s shirt, fingers sliding across the skin there. Fai’s sharp inhale does nothing to calm him down, and Kurogane’s face is suddenly blazing hot, his pulse hammering in his ears and his blood heating as he slides his fingers higher, dipping along the ridge of Fai’s spine; and all he has to do is twist to kiss Fai’s neck, and Fai’s inhaling sharply and starting to squirm against him.

“Kuro-rin…”

He’s just – they’re not close enough. He wants –

 _“Kuro-pon –”_ And oh, _gods,_ Fai’s _laughing_ now, right against his ear; and Kurogane wants to hear that every day until he dies. “It’s the middle of the _night –_ we need to – if we don’t sleep, we’re going to be _useless_ tomorrow, we need to –” Another gentle kiss knocks him silence, making him squirm even worse as Kurogane starts kissing down his neck, unable to get his hand as far up his back as he wants with Fai’s shirt in the way, his other hand clamping down harder around him; and Fai groans through another laugh, the sound breathless and just so honestly _happy_ , twisting up tight inside Kurogane and stealing whatever air he had left. “Holy _shit,_ if… if I’d known it’d make you this happy – I just… I thought you knew, I _swear_ I thought you –”

He cuts off on a new little moan, when Kurogane shakes his head and kisses his neck again, though that seems to be all that he’s currently capable of; and then Fai’s cursing and rolling them, tugging at Kurogane until he gets the point and goes with it, so that Fai’s plastered underneath him and arching up against him and not getting anywhere with it, the sheer weight of Kurogane’s body enough to keep him in place. It’s enough to make Kurogane’s head spin. Enough that he barely gets the words out, everything inside him splintering apart into tiny pieces.

“Can I –” Fai’s already nodding, trying to yank him closer, hands frantic on his back, and Kurogane sucks in a breath, his mind spinning. “If – if you really don’t want to do this now –”

The noise Fai makes is something that starts as a laugh and ends as a groan, his hands scrabbling down to yank at the bottom of Kurogane’s shirt, nails catching and scorching through him; and Kurogane grunts and tries to twist away, only to end up pressing right back into it a second later, groaning low and desperate as Fai’s teeth scrape his jaw, his body still trying to arch up against him.

“I always want you, Kuro-sama.” It’s sharp and aching, suddenly, Fai’s voice gone so thin it sounds like it’s going to break, a sudden wave of tension yanking tight across his body. “You… you might as well – know that, too. All you need to do is _look_ at me, and I can’t even _think_ anymore –”

The words cut off when Kurogane can’t seem to get his hands up under Fai’s shirt fast enough. For about half a second, Fai seems almost shocked, sucking in a breath; and then he’s helping. Sitting up and raising his arms so that Kurogane can strip his shirt over his head, leaving him wide-eyed and with his hair a mess as Kurogane tosses his shirt behind them; and Kurogane’s barely leaned in to kiss the curve between Fai’s neck and shoulder before he freezes, a wave of uncertainty rocking through him. He’s not normally this… this _forward_ ; and Fai doesn’t do _well_ with Kurogane leading things, they’ve _more_ than established –

“Keep going.” The words take a second to make it through, and then Kurogane gets his gaze up. Fai’s eyes are wide, and he swallows and licks his lips, a nervous little action that makes Kurogane’s heart tug. “I mean it. Anything you want.” There’s a flush spreading across his face with every word, embarrassment flashing across him, his gaze skittering away when Kurogane can’t seem to do anything but stare. _“Stop_ that. I – it’s not such a big deal, I –”

Kurogane cuts him off by very carefully sliding his hands up his stomach, pressing slow and easy across his skin. Fai’s staring at him, now, looking a bit shocked; and Kurogane leans in to press his lips against Fai’s ear, his stomach twisting up tight, and his heart beating very, very hard.

“You’re sure?”

Because he remembers that night, when Fai had been so uncomfortable underneath his hands. If Fai wants this, now, then that’s different; but Kurogane needs to be absolutely sure. And when Fai nods, shivering at the sound of Kurogane’s voice, Kurogane presses his lips down harder and waits, even as Fai’s fingers slide up the back of his neck, his voice dipping down softer.

“Always looking out for me, aren’t you.” It’s not a question, and Kurogane stays right where he is, pressing kisses up behind his ear; until he feels Fai swallow, his fingers sliding up into his hair. “I’m sure. Wanted… wanted to do this for months, actually. Just been too chicken shit.”

He finishes it with a smile that sounds shy; and Kurogane closes his eyes as his heart grows too big for his chest, as crushingly fond ache spreading through him, creeping and sliding through his veins. He bites back the urge to ask again, just to be sure. He needs to trust Fai. Instead, he takes a deep breath, somehow finding the words under the thrum of nerves across his skin.

“Okay.” The gentle brush of his lips has Fai jumping and then squirming, like his whole body is hypersensitive to every little thing that Kurogane does; and the thought makes Kurogane’s blood burn even hotter, that fond feeling spreading further. “Tell – tell me if I do anything you don’t –” It gets him another nod, Fai still tugging at him; and Kurogane’s body flushes with sympathetic heat when Fai tries to arch up into him. He feels like he’s going to crawl right out of his skin.

He needs to keep it together, though. He knows how to do this. He knows how to make this good, how to listen to Fai’s reactions and find what works. He just – he’s finally getting his chance to do this, and he’s not going to waste it. He just needs to… he needs to _focus_ , he needs – he needs to pull it together, apparently; because he seems to have gone stuck with his face smushed against Fai’s shoulder, again, just kind of frozen over him like a clueless idiot.

Fai loves him?

It feels like molten heat, all down the length of his entire body; and Kurogane knows that he’s shaking as he tries to get moving again, trailing his lips up behind Fai’s neck, his mouth unsteady and useless as he presses desperate little kisses all along Fai’s skin; but he barely gets anywhere before Fai’s arms gentle and slide around him, like he knows exactly what Kurogane’s thinking.

“I really broke you, didn’t I?” There’s no trace of mockery. Not even the tiniest hint of teasing. If anything, Fai just sounds shaken right through, like he can’t believe it; and Kurogane closes his eyes, and doesn’t bother to deny it. He feels like every muscle in his body has been turned into liquid. And it doesn’t help when Fai’s fingers slide down to the bottom of his back, tugging at his shirt, like he’s trying to pull it off; but Kurogane’s still too frozen to help, and he feels Fai laugh, the sound light and happy and enough to make it harder for Kurogane to keep breathing. “I... I don’t even know what to do with you, like this. Don’t think I’ve ever seen you this quiet. You – you were all set to ravish me, a second ago, and now –”

“Getting there.”

His voice sounds like he’s still back in Yama, rough and hoarse with the taste of heat and dust. He makes his stomach flutter, too, saying it – because he _is_ , he is getting there, but… he needs to do something else first. He only gets about as far as pulling back to look at Fai before he gets stuck, though. Because Fai’s still smiling at him, soft and fond as he winds a hand up through Kurogane’s hair, his heart all but in his damn eyes; and Kurogane swallows as hard as he can.

Wow. He can’t actually say it. No wonder Fai couldn’t, either.

“What – what you said –” It’s as far as he gets, before he has to stop; because Fai’s smile has been replaced by wide eyes, like he maybe gets what Kurogane’s trying to get at; and Kurogane lasts about a second under that gaze before he cringes and drops his face to Fai’s shoulder, shivering as Fai’s voice dips back into something that sounds just as rattled as Kurogane feels.

“Kuro-sama…”

“You too.”  It’s barely audible. He makes his chest hurt saying it. And when Fai sucks in a breath, Kurogane closes his eyes, embarrassment burning through him as stomach flips over; because Fai already knows. He has to. “If… if that, uh… you know. Hadn’t been really obvi–”

Fai grabs him so suddenly that Kurogane only realizes what’s happening when Fai’s already kissing him. Open-mouthed and shaking, absolutely no finesse all; and Kurogane desperately tries to shove closer, shifting on top of Fai until he’s got him pressed down harder into the bed. From the way Fai’s grabbing at him, still trying to kiss him and barely getting anywhere with it, like he’s too overwhelmed even for that, Fai’s probably not complaining about a damn thing, here; and all it takes is Fai’s lips pressing against his neck, and Kurogane’s practically seeing stars. Stars followed by entire constellations, shaky and strung out through his chest, when Fai swallows and pulls him closer, his voice breaking against the side of Kurogane’s neck.

“Kuro-pon.” Fai sounds close to tears, and Kurogane’s gut pulls tight at the thought, even as Fai’s mouth presses damp and trembling against his skin. “Please, _please,_ would you just…”

“Anything. Anything you –”

Fai’s shaking his head, though. Nose brushing against his skin, cold as it drags across his neck; and Kurogane’s just barely opened his mouth when Fai shakes his head again, swallowing hard.

“No. Whatever _you_ want. I... I don’t want to be in control of this, anymore, I –”

“Fai –”

“I trust you. You’ve gotten me this far, after all.”

His voice wavers, towards the end; and it takes a moment for the words to process. Then, Kurogane raises his head, his stomach swooping low and painful; and Fai’s smile is shaky around the edges, but still definitely there. When Kurogane can’t seem to do anything but stare, though, Fai’s smile gets even fonder, and reaches up to brush a thumb against the corner of Kurogane’s mouth, his eyes not once leaving Kurogane’s as he drags his thumb across his lip.

“I keep throwing you for a loop here, don’t I?” Kurogane doesn’t even manage a nod, this time; and when Fai smiles and threads his fingers through Kurogane’s hair, Kurogane lowers his cheek until it’s resting against Fai’s chest, with Fai’s breathing sharp and achy underneath him, and his fingers still wrapped in his hair. “I mean it, though. You got us this far, through everything –”

“It wasn’t just me.”

He probably shouldn’t even go there, right now, but it’s a crucial point. And Fai seems to consider it for a second before he hums, but in a way that sounds almost like agreement.

“Alright, Kuro-pon. Fair enough. _We_ got us this far, then.” He sounds like he’s smiling – like he believes it – and that’s enough for Kurogane, even as Fai tightens his grip, and… hell, this might not even be leading to sex, anymore. They’re both just kind of clinging to each other, at this point, like neither of them wants to move; and Fai must read his mind, because his swallow is a little shaky. “Is it… okay, everything else aside, is it totally ridiculous of me to just want to cuddle for a bit before we sleep, or –”

Kurogane’s already shaking his head, letting the weight of his body press down a little bit more; and Fai’s happy sigh is all the answer he needs, his entire body going ragdoll limp under him. Kurogane gets it. He feels pretty much just emotionally exhausted, suddenly; and he closes his eyes and focuses on the gentle sound of Fai’s breathing as they slip back into silence. Focuses on the comforting press of him underneath Kurogane, safe and warm and _holy shit Fai loves him._

The thought makes him swallow, and he reaches back to pull the blankets up over both of them, rolling to the side and immediately tugging Fai back into his arms; and when Fai nestles closer, Kurogane closes his eyes. Maybe this is good, for now. Maybe they can just hold on for a bit. The idea sits warm and happy under his skin, and he squeezes his eyes shut tighter, feeling the minutes slowly start to slide by, the room falling back into silence, and sleep gradually creeping back up across his skin, with Fai pushing closer and relaxing further and further, like he’s just about ready to slide under; and Kurogane’s almost there, too, when there’s suddenly a knock at the door, and Fai freezes, before pulling back to look at him. For a second, they stare at each other, but… there’s no one else who would be knocking on their door at four in the morning. And Fai’s wide eyes are already being replaced by a smile, laced all around the edges with obvious fondness. And he’s not trying to move away. Doesn’t seem at all panicked. Maybe there isn’t any reason to be, after all. Kurogane’s pretty sure that none of the kids are the judgmental type.

Still. He should check, here.

“You’re okay with them knowing about us?”

His voice sounds loud, after the long, sleepy silence, and he barely gets it out before Fai’s nodding, that little smile still on his lips, and… Kurogane gets that. Six months. They lost those kids for six months. They’re welcome to come knocking literally any time they feel like it. And Kurogane ducks down to kiss Fai’s cheek – he can feel Fai sigh as he does, a little noise that sounds bone-deep happy – before Kurogane makes himself slide out from under the covers, handing Fai his shirt from the floor, and then heading for the door as Fai yawns behind him.

Still. Even if the kids probably won’t care, this is still likely going to be somewhat embarrassing.

All concerns about embarrassment fade, though, when he opens the door; because all three of them are standing there, but it’s Sakura who immediately catches his attention. Her eyes are really red, like she’s been crying, with Syaoran standing beside her and looking incredibly concerned; and Kurogane immediately kneels down, taking one of Sakura’s tiny hands in his massive one and squeezing gently, careful to not put too much pressure on her fingers.

“Hey. You okay?”

His heart’s aching in his chest, but even as she opens her mouth, Mokona stirs on her shoulder and leans forward, her voice incredibly muted compared to how exuberant she normally is.

“Sakura-chan had a nightmare.”

She sounds really sad about it, her eyes downcast, and – yeah, it must have been one hell of a nightmare for Sakura to go waking Syaoran up about it, let alone for them to wander here; and Kurogane’s just started to ask for more details when Sakura swallows, her gaze dropping to the floor.

“I… apologize for waking you up. I – I just –”

“No, it’s fine, it’s –

“I just – I dreamt that we lost you and Fai-san again, and… and it felt so _real,_ and –”

“We’re not going anywhere, princess. I promise.”

He can hear how gruff his voice is, and he immediately wants to bite his tongue – because he _can’t_ make a promise like that, he knows that he can’t – but it’s too late; and Sakura’s hand is shaking in his, like she needs to hear it; and it’s enough for him to not try to take it back. If he has his way, anyway, they’re not going anywhere, after all. And if Fai and him have proved anything, it’s that they can damn well stubborn their way through just about anything together.

The thought makes him smile, and he squeezes her hand a bit tighter.

Yeah. He and Fai aren’t going anywhere.

And Sakura’s just raised her eyes and started to smile, some of the light coming back into her eyes, like she actually believes it, when suddenly all three of the kids’ mouths drop open; and Kurogane closes his eyes, kind of wanting to sink into the floor as Fai’s hand comes to rest on his shoulder.

Okay. So maybe he still does have the capacity to be embarrassed.

And when he opens his eyes again, Syaoran’s gone so red it’s actually alarming, and Sakura’s mouth is still just hanging open; and then Mokona makes a noise that’s far too pleased, grinning her face off as she jumps on Sakura’s shoulder, pointing one of her tiny hands at them.

“Hah! I knew it! Mokona _knew,_ right from the beginning – they knew that you were –”

“It’s four in the morning, Mokona.”

Fai’s voice is still sweet, though. And Mokona just laughs as she jumps clear over Kurogane and right into Fai’s arms, presumably; and Kurogane’s still blushing as he stands up, with Sakura and Syaoran still gaping up at them; and then Syaoran actually takes a step back, blushing even worse.

“We… we, um, we shouldn’t have –”

“It’s fine.” Fai’s standing beside Kurogane, now, squeezing himself in there somehow, even in the tiny doorway; and the smile on his face looks nothing but genuine. “Seriously, it’s –”

“But –”

“We lost you for six months, kid. Doubt we’re ever gonna complain about you waking us up.”

It still sounds a bit rough – he’s not _used_ to this, yet; not used to being sentimental around these three – but it must do the trick, because Syaoran keeps blinking for a second before a quick little happy smile crosses his lips, his expression pleased as he glances away, like he’s embarrassed but still really happy; and then Sakura manages to close her mouth, though she’s smiling as she squeezes Kurogane’s hand. He hadn’t even realized she was still holding it. Maybe, despite their reassurances, she doesn’t want to let go; and Fai must read his mind, because he step a bit closer.

“Do you want to stay here? We’ve got a couch, and the floor’s carpet, and we’ve got more than enough blankets to go around, if –”

“Slumber party!” It’s practically a yell, with Mokona already jumping out of Fai’s arms and over his shoulder and into the room, laughing as she goes; and Sakura looks unsure, for a moment, before Kurogane squeezes her hand again. It’s what he’d wanted, after all, from the moment he got back. Everyone in one place so he can keep an eye on them all. And if Sakura’s rattled enough to be having nightmares that end in tears, then like hell does Kurogane want her to feel like she has to go through any of that alone.

“Are you sure we wouldn’t be imposing?”

Syaoran looks incredibly unsure – much more so than Sakura, but still like he wants to be here, even if he’s uncertain about it – and Fai’s smiling as he reaches out to pat him on the shoulder, as easy as though they’ve been doing it for years, instead of mere weeks.

“Not at all, Syaoran-kun. It’ll be good for us, too. Hell, I haven’t had a slumber party in years.”

He’s grinning, as he says it, bright and happy and without a trace of subterfuge, like there’s nothing he wants more in the world than to have all of them together like this; and it must be enough, because Syaoran nods, and Kurogane ends up closing the door behind them as both kids step into the room. Sakura’s eyes are still really red, and Kurogane carefully brushes a hand over her hair as she steps past him, not missing the flash of gratitude in her eyes as she glances up at him, the smile on her face tugging a bit higher; and then Mokona jumps up on the bed and starts bouncing on it, even as Syaoran steps forward and tries to shush her, hissing something about waking up the neighbours, and Kurogane glances over at Fai. He’s not looking at him, though – he’s watching the kids, his expression so happy it hurts to look at – and then Fai glances at him, too, still smiling, and Kurogane steps close enough to bump his shoulder, his face flushing as he does.

He’ll process everything later, the same way he always does.

Right now he’s got the kids back, and he and Fai are… well. Fai loves him. Kurogane’s going to have a hell of a time getting his head around that. Right now, though, they’re all here, and they’re all safe, and Fai loves him; and Kurogane’s pretty sure he’s the luckiest man in the world.


	18. Piffle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, folks. Apologies for the hella long delay on this chapter, and thanks to everyone for being so encouraging while I've been writing this. Ya'll absolutely rock, seriously.

When Kurogane wakes up again, it’s because the rain is hammering on the windows. It takes him a second to get his eyes open – he and Fai had ended up sleeping on the floor, with Sakura and Mokona in the bed, and Syaoran on the couch – and when he does, it’s to find Fai sitting cross-legged on the bed, with Sakura sound asleep right beside him, and Syaoran sprawled out on the other side. Even Mokona’s sleeping – tucked in between Fai’s knee and Syaoran’s shoulder – and Kurogane very carefully doesn’t make a sound. Fai’s got a book in one hand, his other hand lightly carding through Sakura’s hair; and there’s a small smile on his lips as he reads, the room completely silent save for the pound of the rain and the sound of the kids’ steady breathing.

Kurogane wants to take this moment and make it last forever.

He’s barely thought it before Fai lifts his head, like he's heard him; and when his eyes meet Kurogane’s, he brings a finger to his lips, his eyes softening further and his lips tugging higher. Kurogane knows that he’s smiling, too, as he nods, tugging himself to his feet as quietly as he can; and when the kids don’t stir, and when Fai just keeps smiling at him, Kurogane leans down and kisses him, nudging his finger out of the way and pressing their lips together as gently as he can, before he pulls back with a brush of his hand across Fai’s hair. Fai’s eyes are wide, now – as though Kurogane hasn’t kissed him a hundred times before – and Kurogane feels himself blush, and he quickly nods in the direction of the bathroom, the shower suddenly seeming like a good escape plan. Fai’s eyes are still wide, so expressive and open it’s a wonder he’s ever managed to hide anything at all; and Kurogane swallows and picks up his bag, his heart thudding as he turns away.

This feels different. It _is_ different. And Kurogane’s got butterflies like he’s a fucking teenager.

Funny. All this time, and all it took were a couple little words.

\- - -

By the time Kurogane’s out of the shower, he’s no less shaky, and Fai’s the only one left in the room. Kurogane’s feet feel clumsy on the carpet floor as he steps back into the room, words dying useless on his tongue as Fai turns away from the window, where he’s been watching the rain. Kurogane has to swallow before he can speak, Fai’s eyes on his stripping his words away.

“Are – are the –”

"At work. I don’t have anything for today.” His voice is soft, like he doesn’t want to break the quiet cocoon that they’ve fallen into, and Kurogane watches as he swallows. “You?” There’s a hopeful lilt there, and Kurogane shakes his head – he doesn’t have anything until tomorrow – and then his words get stuck again because Fai stares at him a moment longer, before he turns and crosses the room, his feet nearly soundless on the carpet. By the time he’s locked the door – a loud click in the silence – and turned back to face him, Kurogane’s barely breathing at all.

“Um –”

It’s as far as he gets before Fai steps closer. Eyes wide and honest and so fucking laser sharp on Kurogane as he moves in and twists his hands into Kurogane’s housecoat, nudging it just barely apart as he leans in to kiss Kurogane’s chest. It’s a wonder that Kurogane doesn’t fall right over.

“I still need a shower. Come join me in a minute?”

His mouth slides up a bit higher, as he says it, lips ghosting across Kurogane’s skin; and when Kurogane somehow manages a nod, Fai stares up at him, for a moment, before he cranes up on to his toes to kiss his cheek, and then turns and walks into the bathroom; and Kurogane’s still just standing there a good minute later, his hand on his cheek and everything inside him flying apart.

\- - -

In the end, Kurogane gives himself a few minutes to pull himself together, but it really doesn’t help. Especially because Fai barely lets him through the door before he’s on him. He’s already in the shower, soaked and naked and gorgeous, but he steps back out to greet him, and Kurogane barely closes the bathroom door behind him before Fai’s nudging up against him, stripping off his clothes and kissing every inch of skin he can reach, as Kurogane’s housecoat flutters to the bathroom floor and leaves him in nothing. He barely has time to flush, though, cold air brushing between his legs and all across his body, before Fai’s nudging him back under the hot spray, and following Kurogane into the shower, plastering against him like he can’t get close enough.

He also can’t seem to stop kissing Kurogane, either, but that’s okay, since Kurogane wants to kiss him forever. And then Fai nudges him back towards the wall – there’s a sitting area, and Kurogane has no idea _why_ ; he’s never been in a hotel this fancy in his _life_ – but it’s there, and Kurogane lets himself be nudged until he’s sitting down; and Fai stops just long enough to direct the spray towards them before he just crawls right into Kurogane’s lap, his knees braced on either side of him, and his slender hips so small underneath Kurogane’s hands it’s enough to make his stomach hurt.

Fai’s not breakable, though. Kurogane knows that he’s not. If he was, he’d have shattered long before Kurogane ever met him. But he does bruise something awful, even if he still manages to get back up every time; and Kurogane needs to keep him safe. Carefully slides his hands along his hips, tugging him closer, as though he can pull them together and keep them there forever, and – gods, it’s like he can actually feel his control slipping. His hands are useless, where they’re skittering across Fai’s skin, like he can’t seem to settle on anywhere. It’s enough to make his teeth grind, embarrassment burning up through him. Fai’s finally given him a chance to lead, and Kurogane’s going to fuck it up, he’s – he wants to do this _right,_ to make sure that Fai feels –

“Stop that.”

It’s breathless, against his ear. Kurogane can’t help the way his hands tighten on Fai’s hips, the heat in Fai’s voice lancing through him. Fai sounds like he’s about ready to go out of his skin, too.

“What –”

“You – you’re holding back so hard you’re practically _vibrating_ , so – so just stop that, and –”

Fai cuts himself off on a low groan, one of Kurogane’s hands glancing over the base of his spine before just barely dipping lower; and Kurogane grits his teeth and presses his face into Fai’s shoulder.

_I don’t want to rush this. I want to do this right. I want to take my time with you, now that you might let me._

How the fuck is he meant to say any of that out loud, though? He can barely even _think_ it.

Fai’s hand sliding up the back of his neck to thread into the back of his hair distracts him, yanking a shiver from his body, even despite the glorious warmth of the shower.

“Kuro-sama…”

“I – I’m trying to just –”

He can’t finish, though. Not with words, anyway. _I’m trying to keep it together._ How can he possibly say –

“I don’t _want_ you to.”

The fingers in his hair tighten, the way Fai knows that he loves; and that mixed with the words makes his teeth grind harder together, his nails probably leaving marks against Fai’s hips.

“Don’t… don’t want –”

“You. Holding back. Stop it.”

There’s another twist of his fingers in Kurogane’s hair, as he says it, Fai’s other hand sliding down between them to just barely touch him, a feather light brush of his fingertips before he scrapes his nails up along Kurogane’s stomach, instead; and Kurogane groans as he almost sinks his teeth into Fai’s shoulder, pressing his face harder against his damp skin, instead. The reaction draws a shiver out of Fai, his breath catching as he presses his mouth against Kurogane’s ear, the hot breath brushing across Kurogane’s ear and drawing him up so tight he can barely breathe.

“I _mean_ it. Stop holding –”

Kurogane cuts him off with lips on his neck. Lips, before his teeth scrape out, dragging across Fai’s skin, and Fai’s groan sounds wrenched from deep inside him as he tightens his grip, head falling back to give Kurogane more room; and Kurogane’s hands are shaking as he hauls Fai closer. Gets his hands on his back and tugs, plastering Fai’s slender body against his own and crushing them as close together as he can get them, the water hammering down on Fai’s shoulders and dripping down over Kurogane’s hands as Fai arches into him, cock hard and slick against Kurogane’s stomach as Kurogane bites his neck again. The sound Fai makes is more like a whine, this time, and Kurogane’s already closing his eyes when Fai starts talking, low and rough and sounding so desperate Kurogane can barely stand it.

“ _Yes,_ yes, _please,_ Kuro-sama, that – that’s –”

Kurogane can’t really get them any closer, but one of his hands slides down to grip Fai’s ass, anyway, fingers digging in even as he tightens his other arm around Fai’s back, and Fai whines and drops his head to rest his face on Kurogane’s shoulder, twisting to press his face into Kurogane’s neck as he keeps talking, little bursts of air that make Kurogane’s hair stand on end.

“Please, _please_ –”

Kurogane only realizes that he’s moving when he’s already done it.

Wrapped his arms around Fai and hauled him to his feet, holding him there like he weighs nothing – and then he instantly freezes, but Fai’s already groaning and trying to squirm closer, whispering his name again on a whimper as he wraps his legs around Kurogane’s waist and holds on; and Kurogane’s burning up as he turns and settles Fai on the sitting area, long legs hanging over the side as Kurogane kneels between them. Puts his hands on Fai’s legs and spreads them wider, his hands massive and dark against the pale softness of Fai’s skin, with Fai whining and tugging frantically on his hair the whole time; and Kurogane’s legs are shaking as he slides back up and kisses him, hunched over awkwardly as he bites his lip and then drops down, instead, pressing Fai back further and dragging his lips down his chest. Stops long enough to flick his tongue across his nipples, to drag his teeth against his collarbone, his back aching as he bends down enough to suck a bruise against the centre of his chest, and – Fai’s falling apart.

He can’t seem to stay still, and he’s probably going to tear out Kurogane’s hair, and Kurogane finally lets his weak knees sink him into a kneeling position, the shower hammering down on his shoulders as he leans in to kiss Fai’s stomach. Plasters his mouth there, the skin hot and damp under his touch, feeling the way Fai jumps when Kurogane’s stubble scrapes across his stomach, drawing a noise out of Fai that’s going to keep him up at night; and Kurogane closes his eyes, the heat in him spiraling tighter, before he ducks down and licks all the way up the base of Fai’s cock, where it’s pressed flushed and hot against his stomach. He can feel the way Fai jumps, can hear the groan that rips out of him, can feel how badly Fai’s fingers are trembling, where they’re brushing against his ears as he tries to get purchase in Kurogane’s hair; and when Fai manages another choked rasp of his name, Kurogane swallows through the excess saliva in his mouth as he draws Fai into his mouth, letting him rest against his tongue as Kurogane wraps a hand around the rest of him and tries to ignore how badly his own cock is aching.

At one point, he might have been embarrassed by how badly he wants to do this. Now, he doesn’t give a fuck. With Fai saying his name like that, Kurogane would be happy to stay down here forever.

And all it takes is a few flicks of his tongue, drawing back to drag it across the tip of Fai’s dick, pressing a thumb underneath the head and rubbing, and Fai’s possibly going to actually tear out his hair. He’s making noises, too, not quite making it to words, and he feels warm and heavy in Kurogane’s mouth as he finally sucks him in, slow, steady suction as he slides down deep and then pulls back up again, never letting up the pressure of his mouth even as Fai’s voice cracks and his hips just barely jerk, before he stops himself, trembling; and Kurogane puts both hands on his hips, holding him there, and Fai groans as he jerks into the press of Kurogane’s tongue, and – Kurogane’s face is so flushed it actually hurts, and it’s all he can do to not reach down and wrap a hand around himself, heat travelling out across his entire body and punching the air out of him.

Not yet, though. This is about Fai. And it’s been years since Kurogane did this, but now he’s glad that he has, that he has at least _some_ idea of what he’s doing, that he can take Fai apart, like this, with Fai squirming under his hands and his voice shattering on his name; but that’s as far as he gets before Fai’s tugging him off, his voice cracking as he tries to squirm away.

“ _Wait,_ wait, I – I want –”

His voice cuts out on it, though, his fingers pulling at his hair as Kurogane pulls back to stare at him, heart aching at how fucking gorgeous he is, at how overwhelmed he looks, eyes wide and his mouth hanging open and something that looks almost desperate in his eyes; and Kurogane only lasts for a second before he can’t look at him anymore. Can feel the desperate, terrible, _too much_ affection crackling through him as he drops his face to Fai’s knee, pressing a gentle kiss there, suddenly so vulnerable it just about makes his skin crawl; and the noise that Fai makes is strangled. Cracking out of him as Kurogane swallows, hard, and presses another kiss against his knee, feeling the way Fai’s trembling all over, like he’s barely keeping himself from flying apart.

“Kuro… Kuro-rin.”

He sounds like he doesn’t know what to do. Sounds like Kurogane’s completely shocked him.

Kurogane grits his teeth, embarrassment finally burning through him, he should _stop_ this, he needs to get off his knees, and – Fai’s hand on the side of his face shuts up his thoughts.

Leaves nothing but Fai staring at him, his eyes wide, as Kurogane lifts his head to look at him, again, his heart hammering in his throat and his mouth gone horribly dry. Can’t seem to move, until Fai’s fingers brush along his cheekbones, and then up into his bangs, his eyes not once leaving Kurogane as his other hand fumbles to the side, knocking a pile of little shampoo bottles all over the floor as he comes back with another bottle clenched in his fingers; and Kurogane feels like his face is possibly going to catch fire as he reaches up and tries to take it, nearly dropping it with how badly his hands are shaking. He doesn’t manage to say anything, but Fai nods, anyway, still staring at him, still looking like Kurogane’s completely overwhelmed him; and Kurogane grits his teeth, and gives himself a second, and then goes to stand up.

He’s not sure when Fai bought oil, or how he managed to sneak it past Kurogane to the shower, but none of that matters. All that matters is that Fai wants this, and Kurogane’s damn well going to do this right. But he wants to be damn sure of what they're doing, first.

“I'm fine with... with doing this – either way. Whatever you want.”

His voice sounds like it's dropped about an octave, and even his ears feel hot, but it's worth it when Fai goes still, and then swallows and puts a hand on Kurogane's cheek. Kurogane can't quite bring himself to look up at him, suddenly, but that seems to be okay, because Fai's talking, anyway.

“Next time, maybe. I... I want you leading, this time.”

It's so shaky it's barely audible over the pounding shower, but Kurogane does hear it, and then nods and leans down to press a kiss against Fai's knee, feeling a new rush of affection curl through him even as Fai shivers, and – he'd be happy to stay here, still, but Fai's made it clear what he wants. And that means that Kurogane needs to get off this floor and get them both to a bed. If Fai's trusting him to do this, then Kurogane is damn well going to do it right.

He doesn’t get far, though, uncurling from his knees, when Fai stops him. Stops him, leaving him hovering there, for a moment, until Fai slides off the bench and drops to his knees in front of him, so they’re almost eye-to-eye, water hammering down on Kurogane and splashing over onto Fai, like he has no intention of moving from where he is; and Kurogane sucks in a deep breath, the words getting trapped, heavy and hot in his throat, affection making them hard to choke them out.

“I – I am _not_ doing this on the shower floor, okay, we need to –”

“Going to drape our bed in rose petals, too?”

There’s not a hint of teasing in it. Fai sounds completely serious. And Kurogane can’t breathe as he draws Fai close, again, tucking him against his chest and burying his face against his shoulder. He can feel how hard Fai’s heart is beating, and Kurogane’s chest is achingly tight.

“I would. Anything. Whatever you –”

“Don’t need anything more than you.”

It’s so soft Kurogane barely hears it, over the hammering of the shower. Then, he can’t move. He absolutely can’t move, can barely breathe. He’s frozen to the floor, all his words stolen away; but Fai doesn’t give him time to panic. Just presses closer, a happy sigh wavering out of him, like he hears Kurogane’s silence for what it is, his fingers sliding in a slow line down Kurogane’s back.

“Alright, then. Take me to bed, Kuro-sweetie. About time we did this in a bed, after all.”

It’s still sweet and gentle, no hint of teasing, Fai’s voice soft against his skin, and Kurogane has to give himself a moment longer. Crushes Fai tighter against him, shivering as Fai’s fingers dance down his back, dragging through the water there; and he’s just managed to nod – it is more than _about time_ that that they did this in an actual bed – and is about to move when Fai swallows.

“You’re welcome to carry me there, if you’d like.”

There’s just the slightest hint of uncertainty, there, despite everything they’ve been through, but Kurogane’s already shuddering, a new wave of heat sparking across his entire body, getting all twisted up with the affection that’s choking him; and Fai must feel it, because the hesitance melts away, his lips pressed against Kurogane’s ear as Fai squirms closer and smirks against him.

“Caveman.” He barely breathes it, self-satisfaction laced through the word, but it’s enough to make Kurogane squirm, and he barely manages to grind out, “Shut up,” in return before Fai’s laughing, soft and easy against him, and just sounding so _pleased_ and happy that Kurogane can’t do anything but crush him closer, his heart kicking it up to a new hammering pace; and Fai lets him, tightening his grip around him as he kisses down behind his ear, his smile already fading back into something that sounds softer. “Anything you want. Whatever works for you, when we’re… like this, you – you can tell me, I want to know what you –”

Kurogane doesn’t mean to try to haul Fai closer, but it happens, anyway, with Fai immediately scrambling to meet him, his legs spreading wider to rest on either side of Kurogane’s knees, and his mouth dropping open under the press of Kurogane’s tongue; and Kurogane feels like he’s burning up again. There’s not enough air, in the shower, and Fai’s mouth is scorching against his own, with Kurogane’s hands going useless and shaky against his back, before they manage to latch onto to Fai’s hips; and Fai’s barely groaned before Kurogane swallows and drags his palms down Fai’s legs, where they’re spread on either side of him. Slides his hands down the slick skin and then digs his nails into the backs of Fai’s thighs, and Fai’s making another choked noise, breaking the kiss to simply latch on to him, tightening his arms around Kurogane and just whining against his shoulder as Kurogane carefully draws his nails down the backs of Fai’s legs. He knows from his own body that he’s sensitive there, and from the way Fai’s squirming against him, he’s not the only one – and then Fai’s voice cracks on his name, and that’s enough. Kurogane can’t pick him up, like this, but he is able to pull back long enough to start trying to nudge Fai upwards, and Fai takes a second before he seems to get it, stumbling to his feet and nearly slipping before Kurogane grabs him, holding his hand and drawing him out of the shower.

It’s all he can do to pause long enough to turn off the water, and then Fai’s already tugging at him as Kurogane turns back to him, trying to get him close again, his hands shaking as he more or less tries to climb him like a damn tree; and Kurogane goes scorching all over, swallowing a groan as Fai slings his arms around his neck and lets Kurogane pick him up like he weighs nothing. Hauls him off his feet as Fai just latches on and clings, his arms and legs around him and his face buried in his neck, and the sheer wave of _protectiveness_ that lances through Kurogane makes it hard to keep his feet as steps out of the bathroom, only staying up through years and years of training – and then that gets even harder when Fai's stubble scrapes across his neck. Scrapes sharp and achy and sends pinpricks of sensation out across his skin, and Kurogane's legs do something really embarrassing as he actually fucking wobbles, slapping a hand out against the wall to steady himself, and Fai – doesn't let go. Doesn't panic. Just swallows and tightens his legs and arms around him, like he trusts that Kurogane's not going to drop him.

It does nothing to make Kurogane any steadier, and he hovers there helplessly, trying to stay upright, everything inside him gone horribly shaky, before Fai's voice brushes across his ear.

“Am I distracting you?”

It's so hoarse it makes Kurogane's stomach clench. It also doesn't have the teasing lilt that Fai was probably going for, and Kurogane swallows as his gut swoops low and shaky again.

“You're always distracting me.”

And that's... really honest. More honest than he'd meant to be – though why, at this point, he should even _care,_ is beyond him, and – and it's _true_ , anyway; from day one, Fai has always, _always_ been a distraction, always curling up around every single one of Kurogane's senses, and – Fai's gone silent. Completely frozen, against him, where he's clinging there in Kurogane's arms, and Kurogane barely opens his mouth before Fai's swallowing, his voice unsteady as he presses closer.

“Please... please get me on that bed, Kuro-tan.”

For a moment, Kurogane can't move. There's a thin line of desperation there that's freezing him in place.

Then, Fai turns and presses a kiss against Kurogane's neck, slow and achingly deliberate about it as his lips slide across Kurogane's kin, and Kurogane suddenly can't move fast enough. He outright stumbles, actually, getting them to the bed, coming pretty damn close to banging his shins against the bed frame, but Fai doesn't laugh at him. Doesn't tease, or give him shit, or grin his way through one of Kurogane's nicknames. Maybe he's too far gone even for that.

And Kurogane's just about to lie Fai down when he thinks of something else, and he carefully sets Fai down on the edge of his bed, and then drops down to his knees in front of him.

From the strangled sound that Fai makes, above him, it was probably the right move. But he barely starts to duck his head before Fai grabs him, hands shaking against his cheeks as Kurogane swallows and raises his head. The way Fai's eyes are pretty much nothing but pupil is gratifying as fuck, and Kurogane has to lick his lips – his mouth's gone dry – before he can talk.

“But –”

“As... as sweet at that is, I really don't think I can wait any longer.”

His thumb brushes the edge of Kurogane's cheekbone, as he says it, soft and easy before his fingers slide up to carefully brush Kurogane's hair away from his eyes, and Kurogane gets stuck staring at him, because... there's not the slightest hint of hesitation there, anymore. No hint that Fai's second-guessing any of this. Fai just looks as overwhelmed as Kurogane feels. All these long months, everything that they've been through together, and he finally trusts Kurogane enough to stop hiding, the expression on his face so open Kurogane can barely look at him.

Whatever tiny little bit of restraint he might have been clinging to, he can feel it burn to ash.

And he only realizes he's moving when Fai's there to meet him, hauling Kurogane up with him as Fai goes down on his back with Kurogane over top of him, reaching for the lube that – that _isn't there,_ oh, _gods,_ he's left it in the _bathroom,_ he was so fucking distracted by Fai he _forgot_ –

“There's another in the drawer.”

Fai's voice is wrecked, and – this should be funny. It should be hilarious. He's not sure how or when Fai went around stashing oil all over the hotel room, but he really should be laughing right now.

He's not. And neither is Fai. He just looks like he's about ready to crawl out of his own skin.

And Kurogane comes pretty close to scratching his knuckles against the sharp edges of the night table as he fumbles for it, yanking the drawer open and finding it empty save for one glass bottle, tucked away in the corner of it. It's amazing he manages to get hold of it at all, with how shaky his hands are, but he does, and then he's back over Fai, again, twisting the cap off and just about losing his mind when Fai lets his knees fall apart, groaning as Kurogane leans in to kiss him. It's messy and uncoordinated, both of them suddenly useless at it, but it doesn't matter, it makes him fucking _ache_ ; and then he's pulled back, and his fingers are slick, and Fai's muttering his name like a fucking prayer as he pulls Kurogane down and breathes against his shoulder. It makes him shudder, and he doesn't stop to ask if Fai's ready – he's made it more than clear that he is – before he reaches down between them, resting his fingers against Fai's entrance and pressing softly; and he's barely started to rub them in slight circles before Fai's rocking into it, his breath coming in explosive little pants and his face buried in Kurogane's shoulder as he arches up against him.

“Hurry up, hurry up, hurry _up_ –”

The sound rips through Kurogane, punching the air out of his lungs, and he hovers there, for a moment, trying to breathe, before he swallows a groan and just... listens. Takes Fai at his word and slowly, carefully slides a finger inside, all the way in, as gentle as he possibly can, slow and easy, and with the slick heat of Fai's body pulling him in as he carefully pushes forward.

It's enough to make his entire fucking body burn, a new spike of heat lancing through him, but Fai immediately freezes. Tenses, all over, going still everywhere, and Kurogane's just swallowed through the panic before Fai's groaning and burrowing his face into his shoulder, tightening his arms around him as he sinks his teeth into Kurogane's skin and rocks up into his hand. It's not a verbal response, but it's as clear as if he were shouting; and Kurogane's just barely pulled back and slid his finger in again when Fai _is_ talking, arching against him as he babbles right against his shoulder, the words coming out so breathless it's a wonder he's even able to talk at all.

“Please, please, _please_ –”

His voice cuts out on a whine as he presses his face harder against him, and Kurogane carefully closes his eyes, trying to steady himself as arousal washes over every inch of his aching body.

He is quite possibly not going to survive this.

And the thought's barely processed before Fai's nails are digging into his back, hips pressing down into his hand.

“ _Another,_ another, come on, just –”

“But –”

“I am _fine,_ believe me, I am – _more_ than fine, I – don't... don't make me wait, Kuro-tan, _please,_ I can't -”

He trails off, voice suddenly cracking into a shaky swallow as he twists his face into Kurogane's neck, desperation written obvious and frantic through every tense line of his body; and Kurogane can't fucking _breathe,_ with the wave of arousal that's crashing through him _._ Can't do anything but close his eyes and push his finger a bit deeper, heat flaring across his mind as he does so.

Maybe he just needs to trust Fai, here. Fai might have some horrible self-preservation instincts, but he's been trying. He's been getting better. And Kurogane trusts him to know what he wants.

And as he drags a kiss across Fai's neck and carefully presses a second finger in, sliding through the tight muscle and pressing as deep as he can go, Fai whimpers and arches into him in a way that pools frantic heat down between Kurogane's legs, curling the need inside him even tighter.

He doesn't have time to think about himself, though, because Fai's twisting underneath him, wincing just the slightest bit, now, like he's not sure which way to go; but before Kurogane can say anything, Fai's nodding against him, his breathing coming so sharp and uneven it almost sounds painful, and Kurogane just... listens, again. Feels his own cock ache and his skin flare even hotter as he moves his fingers, just the slightest bit, gently pulling them out before he slides them back in, the give a little bit easier now, with the way Fai's body is starting to open up for him, and with Fai groaning like Kurogane's killing him. His body's clenching around him and his arms are locked painfully tight around his shoulders, as Fai rocks into the touch like Kurogane's not close enough yet, and – there's still no hesitation to Fai's actions, no hint that he's second-guessing any of this, and that's a bit too much to take. Fai trusts him, and ... he only realizes that he's trying to shove closer, as though they're not quite close enough yet, when Fai huffs a rattled little laugh against his ear, sliding his hands down his back and making him shudder.

“This... this whole caveman thing of yours is honestly really hot, you know.” The slight teasing tone is back, albeit gratifyingly breathless, and Kurogane bites a growl into the side of Fai's neck even as Fai laughs again, his fingers digging in harder to his skin. “If... if I'd known this would do it so well for you, I'd have let you do this when we had, you know, an actual _cave_ –”

“I much prefer this.”

He only realizes what he's said once he's said it. Only realizes just how much he means the words when they're already out. And it's like he can instantly taste the heat. Like he's brought the desert right into their room with them. Like he can feel the grit of sand, the memory as clear as anything, and tinged with the undercurrent of horror that had been their entire time there.

But they're not there any more. They made it. They're safe.

And Fai's just staring up at him. Unblinking, like he knows exactly what Kurogane's thinking, until Fai reaches up to draw him into a kiss that's so gentle Kurogane can barely breathe through it. Ends up closing his eyes as Fai bushes his lips across Kurogane's, the touch enough to make his chest twist, that horrible fluttering feeling that only Fai's ever been able to bring out in him.

He doesn't have time to think too long on it, though, because he can feel Fai smiling. It's shaky, but it's there, like he's trying to lighten the mood, and chase the desert back out of their room. It works, too, with the feeling of Fai smiling right against his lips.

“Don't... don't know about you, though, Kuro-pon. Still think Kuro-caveman might fit. I... I tell you can lead, and you jump straight to hauling me around like a sack of –”

It's pretty much complete luck that his fingertips hit where they need to be just at the moment. Pretty much just luck that he carefully curls them, feeling the tightness of Fai's body cling to him, and ends up brushing against exactly where he needs them to be.  And the way Fai yelps and arches up under him is enough to make him swallow, his cock jerking and his stomach swooping over, even as his face flushes painfully hot and his breathing goes absolutely fucking ragged.

Shit. _Shit._

And – for once – Fai seems to have finally run out of words. He's not laughing, anymore, and he's not trying to say anything, his voice suddenly gone quiet. He's just clinging to Kurogane, panting; and Kurogane's heart is in his throat as he does it again, getting a whine as Fai twists underneath him and buries his face deeper against his neck, hauling at Kurogane like he's not close enough yet. It instantly brings out that desperate protectiveness, that ever-constant need to make sure to keep Fai safe, and Kurogane's voice is soft as he presses his lips against Fai's ear.

“Right there?”

He barely recognizes his own voice, and Fai's response is a whimper and a frantic little nod, and – just like that, it's like Kurogane can feel something shift inside him.

Something that feels like maybe he's still been holding back, all this time.

But Fai doesn't _want_ him to. It's suddenly clear as anything, and Kurogane can feel something inside him ease. Something that he hadn't even realized was there. Both of them want this, Fai's practically _begging_ him for it, and... and maybe Kurogane can stop worrying so much.

The thought both makes it easier to breathe and steals away whatever air he'd had left, and Kurogane takes a deep breath as he slides his fingers out and carefully circles them against the entrance to Fai's body. The sound Fai makes is an immediate protest, his broken voice rattling right through Kurogane as he tries to push back down into Kurogane's fingers, and Kurogane swallows and pushes back in with three, feeling Fai's body cling to him the the entire way. The stretch is tighter this time, with Fai clenching around him hard enough to make Kurogane dizzy; and when Fai immediately stills, his entire body tensing up, Kurogane simply starts pressing his lips against the curve of his neck, resting his other hand against Fai's hip and rubbing his fingers in slow circles. They've got hours, after all, and they can do this as slowly as Fai wants.

“Too much?”

He can hear the rasp in his voice – can hear the sharp thread of tension, because he _will_ do this for hours, if Fai wants, of course he will; but _gods,_ Fai's warm and panting and fucking _perfect_ underneath Kurogane _,_ and Kurogane wants to make him shout the damn _roof_ down – and then Fai laughs _,_ suddenly, shaky and broken as he rasps, “Are – are you _kidding_ me?” against Kurogane's skin; and Kurogane can't help but grin helplessly into the warmth of Fai's shoulder.

 _Idiot._ He's _such_ an idiot. And Kurogane's so fucking in love with him.

"Idiot,” and it's _crushingly_ fond, _gods,_ he sounds _so_ gone, he can hear it in every little shake of his voice, can hear how absolutely fucking _hopeless_ he is over this man; and Fai must hear it, too, because it gets a sharp little noise out of him, his laugh dying away as he holds on tighter, _Kuro-sama_ a smothered whispered against his skin, and – Kurogane's not laughing anymore, either. Not laughing as he plasters them as close together as he can without completely smothering Fai, his gut pulling tight and his heart beating in his throat. “What do you – is this –”

“I meant every word I said last night.”

Fai sounds like he's close to tears. Sounds like he's trying to very, very hard not to be.

It's probably the most honest Kurogane's ever heard him sound.

And Kurogane's eyes are burning as he pulls back to kiss Fai, shaky and useless at it until he leans back. Fai's eyes are wet, as he stares at him, like it's all just hitting him, too; and when Fai seems to realize it, his expression tensing as he tries to twist away, raising a hand to wipe off his eyes, Kurogane cuts off his whispered little, “Sorry,” with another kiss, shaking his head as he presses closer and traps the word in his mouth, stopping it before Fai can even finish. If anything, it makes Fai shudder harder, and then he's grabbing at Kurogane's back, hands damp on his skin.

“Now, _n-now,_ just –”

“You – you're –”

“Kuro-sama. Trust me, p-please. I'm fine.”

His eyes are wide and still damp, and he's staring right up at him, barely blinking as he doesn't look away. In the dim light, he's so pale he looks like he's practically glowing, no hint of hesitation in his expression, and Kurogane manages to stare back for about half a second before he's moving, carefully tugging his fingers out and helping Fai slide his legs up around him, the movement as easy as though they've done this a hundred times before.

His grip is unsteady, though, and he nearly drops the bottle of oil as he tries to pick it up, frantically aware of the heat of Fai's gaze as he slicks himself up with the slick oil, heart thudding a staccato beat against his ribs as he kneels between Fai's legs again. Kneels there and leans in as close as he can, because ... they're practically breathing the same air, and he's about be inside Fai, but they're not close enough yet. He didn't know it was possible to so desperately need to be near someone.  _He can't get close enough._

With the way Fai's looking at him, he might well be reading Kurogane's mind.

“What the hell have you done to me, Kuro-pon.”

He doesn't say it like it's a bad thing. Doesn't say it with a hint of accusation. He just sounds... dumbfounded, maybe, like he still can't get his head around it, his eyes still wide and unblinking and fixed on Kurogane, one of his hands drifting up to Kurogane's cheek. Kurogane has to swallow before he can talk, his stomach pulling so tight he can barely get the words out.

“Says you.”

Because he's just as gone. They both know he is. Fai certainly knows that he is.

And Fai just keeps staring at him for a moment longer before he pulls him down, wrapping his arms around his neck as he presses his face into his shoulder, and Kurogane's as gentle as possible as he reaches down to hold himself where he needs to be, holding his breath as he carefully pushes forward, feeling Fai slowly open around him as he presses in as slowly as he possible can. The tight heat is secondary, though, to the death grip that Fai has around him.

“Fai...”

Fai's already nodding, though, shivering as his arms pull tighter. Clutching to him like Kurogane's the only thing keeping him grounded. Kurogane makes himself stay still, makes himself stay right where he is, the heat behind his navel twisting higher and higher until Fai nods again, mouth pressed open and panting against his skin, and his body a shaking line underneath him; and then Kurogane closes his eyes and slides in just a bit deeper, careful to keep his fingers moving in slow circles against Fai's hips as he does. It's intoxicating, immediately, the tight pull of him, and Kurogane feels like his breath's been punched right out of him, but it's still nothing to the way Fai's panting against him.

Kurogane is quite possibly not going to survive this.

“Okay?”

He can hear the strain in his voice. Can feel his heart beating sharp and frantic in his throat.

And Fai doesn't say anything, still holding on tight to him, until he buries his face harder against him, like he's trying to hide there. He's nodding, though, legs and arms tightening around him, and Kurogane steadies himself and slides forward further, with Fai biting down a little whining sound and squirming against him. It doesn't sound like a _bad_ sound, necessarily, but Kurogane still starts to slow, only to have immediately Fai tensing under him, a protesting sound breaking out of him as his nails dig into Kurogane's shoulder blades. It's hard enough to make him flinch, and when Fai immediately lets go, an apology already starting to stutter out, Kurogane quickly shakes his head and nuzzles his nose down against Fai's shoulder, waiting until Fai's hands carefully settle back on his shoulders, resting there as Fai swallows and turns to breathe against his neck; and there's something desperate trapped in Kurogane's chest. Something sharp and fluttery as he carefully pushes forward, losing his breath at every little sound that Fai makes, his nails gradually going tight again, until Kurogane's pressed in as deep as he can get, settling against Fai with Fai arched up in a sharp line underneath him, and Kurogane's entire body prickling all over with how frantically Fai's holding on to him.

It's like there's not enough air in the room. He's trying to breathe, and he can't.

Fai doesn't sound like he's doing much better. From how badly he's panting, he's probably doing worse. He sounds like he's not getting enough air at all, and Kurogane stays as still as he can as he lets his head hang down a bit lower, dragging his lips down the curve where Fai's neck meets his shoulder. It drags a shiver out of Fai, his nails digging in deeper as his breath catches, and Kurogane closes his eyes.

“You okay?”

It's gruff, even to his own ears. His face feels too hot. His whole body feels too hot, actually. And there's a crushing affection wrapped up tight behind his lungs that's making everything inside him ache.

Keep it together. He needs to keep it together.

He's not expecting the kiss against his neck. Not expecting Fai to turn and brush his lips against him, his legs tightening around him, like Kurogane's not close enough yet. And then his hands ease a bit on his back, gliding soft and easy, like he thinks that Kurogane's the one who needs to be comforted, here, and Kurogane squeezes his eyes shut a bit tighter, voice rasping against his throat on the way out. The air in the room is getting even thinner, and Fai's silence is starting to make his gut hurt.

“What - what're you thinking about?”

He immediately feels stupid, just asking it. Feels stupid trying to have a conversation when they're like this, with Fai's body squeezing tight around him in a way that's becoming increasingly difficult to ignore.

But they got by without words for too long. Right now, suddenly, he wants Fai's voice.

He's not expecting Fai to swallow and say absolutely nothing. Not expecting the silence to stretch, hanging between them, until Fai finally buries his face deeper against his shoulder.

"That there's so much I haven't told you yet."

He sounds like he's close to tears again, suddenly. Kurogane can't move. Something inside him is going to pieces, even as Fai sucks in a breath and keeps going.

"You... you mean so much to me, and I still haven't - I - I _can't_ \- "

"So tell me later."

The thing inside his chest is getting tighter. It twists, even he says it - because he doesn't care. It doesn't change a damn thing, if there are still things Fai needs to tell him. Fai can keep his secrets, until he's able to share them. Kurogane's going to love him regardless, anyway.

"Kuro-sama..."

"So tell me whenever you can. It's not like I'm _going_ anywhere, so - we have time, it's - whenever you're ready to -"

He's not expecting Fai to suddenly kiss him.

Not expecting Fai to bury his fingers in his hair and tug his head back, surging up to kiss him, so uncoordinated it's barely a kiss at all. More just a desperate press of his lips, practically bruising, before Fai pulls back, his eyes wide and wet, and - and there are actual _tears_ running down the sides of his face, and, _gods,_ maybe there really _is_ so much Kurogane doesn't know yet, maybe Fai's been alone for longer than Kurogane can even _fathom,_ but that doesn't matter, anymore, because Kurogane's here, and he's _not going anywhere._

Fai must mistake his wide-eyed silence, though, because he suddenly seems to shrink in on himself, his gaze skittering away.

"... Sorry, I - I just -"

Kurogane's not much more coordinated, as he kisses him, but he tries, anyway, and Fai kisses him back like he's been starving for it.

Grabs him and kisses him so hard Kurogane can barely breathe for it, like whatever control Fai had been using to keep himself together all this time, it's finally just given up and broken.

It's humbling in a way that Kurogane can't quite deal with, and he kisses back harder, only breaking for air when Fai tightens his legs and rocks up against him, his mouth hanging open and panting underneath Kurogane's, and his voice still thick with tears as he rasps the words out between them and grabs harder at Kurogane's back.

 _"Move,_ move, _please,_ just -"

Kurogane's not going to argue. Not even for a second.

And he barely has to think about it, drawing back and then rocking forward again as naturally as though they've done this countless times.

It just about knocks the air out of him, and Fai whimpers, low and desperate, his back arching as he presses into it, and his lips shaky under the press of Kurogane's mouth as he uses his legs to pull Kurogane deeper, which - Kurogane can feel hot his cheeks are. Can feel the tightness in his chest twisting further as he tastes the salt on Fai's skin, tears dripping down all the way to his lips, fire shooting up through his gut and Fai's body clenching around him even as he twists into the press of Kurogane's mouth. It should be too intimate to deal with, all of it, they should both be trying to pull away - but they're not, and that's even more intoxicating than the tight warmth of Fai's body.

Whatever control Fai had been holding on to, it's definitely gone.

He's barely thought it, though, before Fai suddenly yelps, his entire body flinching under Kurogane, and Kurogane immediately freezes; but Fai's already shaking his head and squirming up against him, the heels of his feet digging in hard against Kurogane's back as he tries to keep Kurogane right where he is, and Kurogane's pulse is hammering as he tries to stay there. It's chance, more than anything, he wasn't even _trying_ yet - but he got lucky, and it's working, Fai's going even further to pieces with each time that Kurogane pushes back into him - though it's hard to focus on all of that when he can still feel Fai shaking in a way that he's pretty sure has little to do with anything physical.

Maybe it's not surprising. Just last night, Fai had been trying to walk away from this forever.

It sends a wash of urgency through Kurogane - how many times had he almost lost this? - and he only realizes he's driven it a bit harder when Fai makes a choked sound, rocking up into it and groaning as he grabs at Kurogane, his dick sliding damp against Kurogane's stomach and his voice hot against Kurogane's ear, a suddenly whispered little _please_ that makes Kurogane's stomach swoop; and Kurogane's heart's hammering in this throat as he swallows and does it again, and then again, pushing in deep and listening for every little sound from Fai - but Fai's getting quieter, suddenly. His body tensing all over and his voice cutting out, his arms and legs and body tightening up around Kurogane, and Kurogane sucks in a shuddering, desperate inhale and lets his weight fall even heavier on Fai, doing his best to pin Fai to the bed as much as he can.

"Are - are you -"

"I... I really did mean it all."

His voice is thick with tears again, smothered against Kurogane's shoulder, and Kurogane doesn't need to ask.He knows that he means last night.

And then Fai comes, just like that, arching up against him and spilling warm all over their stomachs, his voice cut completely into silence and then cracking into a desperate groan as he latches on around Kurogane, every inch of his body pulled taut in a way that has Kurogane's gut clenching as he hauls Fai closer, following him down when Fai sinks into the bed, breathing so hard it sounds almost frantic, and - Kurogane makes himself slow, then, the tension behind his naval pulled taut as he stops moving and concentrates on blanketing Fai with his body. He's holding onto Kurogane like he needs him to ground him, and Kurogane can feel the dampness against the skin of his shoulder, his lungs tightening further at the way Fai's shaking, limp underneath him like all he's completly out of it, sudden exhaustion written through every inch of him.

Kurogane's not exactly surprised. If he feels wrung out, he can't imagine how Fai's feeling. And he's just about to start pulling back when Fai somehow finds the strength to tighten his legs around him, stopping him from moving.

"Go ahead." It sounds exhausted. Sounds so out of it it's almost a slur. Kurogane hardly opens his mouth to object, though, before Fai runs a tired hand down his back, his voice dipping down so soft it's barely audible over the sound of their own panted breathing. "Kuro-sama..."

"You - you don't have -"

"Please."

The word's even softer, now, Fai's voice whispering out across the sensitive skin of his neck, and Kurogane drags in an inhale, a new tendril of heat curling through his gut and making him terribly aware of every aching inch of his body. It's secondary to the gutpunch feeling of Fai's voice, though, second to Fai shifting closer like he can't think of anything better than holding on to Kurogane for this, and he barely starts moving again before Fai's fingers come up to trail along the back of his neck, brushing over the tiny hairs there and making him shiver. He can hear his breath already starting to cut into something sharper - Fai's body is pulling him in like he doesn't want Kurogane to be anywhere else, and his arms and legs are still wrapped up tight around him, despite how exhausted he must be - and Kurogane can't help the way his eyes start to squeeze shut.

"Fai..."

"Next time," and it's still soft, still wrung out, but like he's trying to pull it together, the words sounding thick on his tongue, "Next time, I am going to try to not be such an emotional _wreck_ about this _,"_ and now there's the tiny hint of wry amusement, there, underneath how exhausted he still sounds, and Kurogane can't help but groan out a laugh, his stomach swooping over with something happy when when he feels Fai smile, before he swallows and keeps going, "And I am going to - to tell you _exactly_ how good this feels, Kuro-tan, how good you are at making me -" Kurogane cuts him off with a noise that he can't stop, face flushing hot, and he feels Fai shudder, hands tightening on his back as any trace of amusement slides away. "At - at how... how safe you make me feel, _nothing_ makes me feel safe, but - but you - you do, you always do, you -"

Anything else is lost under the flood of white heat. When it clears again, he's still pressed deep inside Fai, and he's more or less collapsed on top of him. From the way Fai's breathing softly and playing with a strand of Kurogane's hair, he probably doesn't mind at all.

Kurogane could definiely stay right like this for the rest of the day, if Fai wanted to.

It's Fai who finally gets them moving, nudging up weakly against Kurogane, finally dropping his legs down with a deep groan, the muscles probably sore after being wrapped around Kurogane for so long. It gets Kurogane moving, too, bracing himself and lifting up high enough to draw his hips back, coordinating his shaking limbs enough to curl a hand around Fai's hip as he reaches down and carefully pulls out, pressing a kiss against the corner of Fai's mouth as he winces, face twisting up just a bit. He relaxes just as quickly, though, sliding his arms back up around Kurogane and tucking until Kurogane's cheek is resting against his chest, right against the slamming pulse of Fai's heart.

It feels a bit like Fai's trying to sooth him, again, with Fai's fingers slowly dragging through his hair, but far be it for Kurogane to complain. There's not a damn thing wrong in the world, suddenly. The rain's still pouring down, hammering on the windows, and Fai's heart is beating under him. Kurogane could stay here forever.

And then Fai sucks in a breath, his chest rising and falling sharply underneath Kurogane's cheek.

“I – I swear I... didn't meant to do that.” He sounds bone-deep exhausted, but, more than that, he sounds embarrassed – Kurogane can _hear_ the blush – and Kurogane opens his mouth, but Fai's still talking. “To be so... so...” He waves a hand, vaguely, and Kurogane takes it to mean _such an emotional wreck_ , which – well. Fai hadn't been the only one who hadn't expected that. “I just –”

“S'fine.” It's not much of a response, but his thoughts are still a bit scattered, and he swallows and tries again, words rough under how sharp his breathing still is. “S'okay. Nothing wrong with –”

“I'd told myself I was going to try to be more honest with you, but... I didn't mean to do it like that.”

He feels like he's about a second away from outright squirming trying to squirm away, embarrassment still thick in his voice, like he thinks this is something to be ashamed of, and - Kurogane can't have that. Instead, he lets his weight settle even heavier, gathering Fai tighter to him and shoving his face harder against his skin. For a second, though, as Fai doesn't say anything, he thinks it might have been the wrong move; and then Fai's arms tighten around him and he tries to push closer, as though Kurogane's not already squishing him.

“Asshole,” and it sounds just shy of grumpy, sounds so fucking fond it almost _hurts_ to have directed right at him, and Kurogane realizes that he's grinning, his heart too big for his chest, even as Fai whines and tugs at a strand of his hair. “I _mean_ it. Here I am, having a moment of crisis, and –”

“You can always be honest with me, Fai.”

He doesn't even make himself flush, saying it. Doesn't second-guess it for a moment, even as Fai freezes. Maybe he's too far gone to care. It's not like Fai's going to use his vulnerability against him.

For a long moment, though, Fai doesn't say anything. Then, he presses a kiss against the top of Kurogane's hair, drawing a sigh out of Kurogane that he's absolutely powerless to stop.

“I – I'll keep that in mind, Kuro-tan.”

It doesn't quite sound like a promise – sounds unsure, as though Fai still doesn't quite believe it – but that's okay. It's a start. And Kurogane tightens his grip around in response as he closes his eyes, letting them slip into silence, nothing but the hammer of Fai's heart and the hammer of the rain, ringing in his ears and twisting all the way through him, until Fai lets out a breath, gently brushing across the top of Kurogane's hair.

“I... I know this might be mighty hypocritical of me, given how... how little you still know about me... but, um. If – if you ever want to tell me about your home world, I'd always... love to hear.” His voice is so hesitant he sounds like he barely gets it out, and when Kurogane doesn't say anything, Fai swallows and quickly keeps going. “If not, that – that's fine, of course it is – I just thought, if you wanted –”

“There's a stream not far from the castle.”

His own voice sounds like it's coming from very far away. Above him, Fai seems to have stopped breathing, and Kurogane swallows and keeps going. He's just... he hasn't been thinking about it. He is, now, and it hurts. But he... he wants this. He wants Fai to know. He _wants_ to talk about it.

“Kuro...”

“I played there as a kid. Sometimes still go there, now, when Tomoyo decides that I need a break. She... she always says that I spent too much time worrying about her, and not enough time taking care of myself.”

It still doesn't quite feel real. Fai's listening so hard Kurogane can practically hear it, the air between them gone still. Kurogane's throat is tight. He hadn't realized – maybe he needs to talk about this.

“There's – I have a room, high up in the east wing of the castle. Looks down over the moat, the forest – you can see the village, not too far off. That – that's where I grew up, and – it's beautiful. The whole area is beautiful. There are some riding trails, too, not too far north of the castle.”

His chest is still too tight, and the words are getting shakier. Fai's warm and perfect under him, though, his heart still beating right below his ear. As long as Fai's there, Kurogane's okay. He's safe.

_You make me feel safe, too._

He can't say it now, though, somehow. He will, though. Soon. Right now, he just can't, somehow.

There's something else he needs to say, anyway. Something he's only ever thought of in the back corners of his mind, something he's never really let himself consider. But from the way Fai's still barely breathing, paying rapt attention to his every word – from the way he seems to have finally decided to stay with Kurogane, despite all of his reservations – maybe Fai would go for it.

“Kuro-sama...”

“Come with me sometime?”

The words feel heavy on his tongue. The sudden vulnerability isn't something he's used to, either. It's been a while since being around Fai made him feel unsure. Maybe he should have forgotten about this for now. Maybe he should have given them more time, given Fai some space before he –

“Any time.” Fai sounds half-strangled. Sounds like he can't quite believe that Kurogane even asked. That makes two of them. “Any – any time, Kuro-pon, just – just say the word, and –”

Kurogane cuts him off with a brush of his lips over his chest, where Fai's heart is rabbiting so fast it probably hurts, even as relief turns Kurogane's limbs to liquid. It's all he can do to tug himself further up Fai's body so that he can press his face into the side of Fai's neck, his lungs still tight as Fai swallows and pulls him so close it's a wonder that either of them can breathe at all.

That's okay, though. With Fai's shaky answer hanging between them, and Fai warm and soft underneath him, like there's nothing else in the world he wants more than to spend forever curled up together like this, Kurogane's pretty sure that he's never before felt this happy in his entire adult life.


	19. Piffle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been nine months since I started this story, and it's hard to believe that it's finally done. Thank you for all the support and incredibly kind comments as I've been working on this. Ya'll are the best, truly, and I count myself incredibly fortunate to be part of this wonderful fandom.

When Kurogane wakes up again, Fai's fast asleep, and he's drooling a bit. If Kurogane hadn't already known how fucked he is, he certainly would now, because it's somehow one of the most endearing things he's ever seen.

It doesn't help, either, that Fai's wearing one of Kurogane's shirts. They'd eventually hauled themselves out of the bed and back into the shower, pressing together under the hot water until they were both clean again, and then Fai had slid into a pair of his underclothes and slipped one of Kurogane's big t-shirts over him as casually as though he did it everyday. It had been enough to stop Kurogane in his tracks, and when Fai had grinned at him, it had looked sweet instead of cocky – embarrassed instead of smug – and Kurogane had lasted about half a second before he'd reached out and drawn Fai back against him, managing to slide them both under the covers, with Fai sighing as he'd curled up against his chest, sounding so soul-deep happy it had been enough to make Kurogane ache.

He wants to spend his life making Fai happy.

And now here they are, a few hours later, with Fai drooling against his shoulder, and Kurogane carefully threading his fingers through his hair, feeling the softness of it slide across his skin. There's a furl of contentment, wrapped all the way through him, that he's pretty sure he's never felt before.

It doesn't matter if Fai is still hiding things. Whatever happens, they'll figure it out together.

As though he's read his mind, Fai stirs, though he doesn't wake up. He just nestles closer, resting his head against Kurogane's chest, and the protectiveness in his gut has Kurogane tightening his arms around him, the room silent save for the pound of the rain as he presses his face into Fai's hair.

Whatever happens next – whether it's soon, or in a few months, or in a few years – Kurogane's never giving up on this man. As long as Fai wants him, Kurogane's not going anywhere.

\- - -

"Ooh, Fai-san, it looks so nice on you!"

Mokona's voice is high and far too excited, and - most notably - right in his ear, and all it does is drive home just how much trouble Kurogane is in, because he doesn't even wince, and doesn't even grumble. After six months apart from her, Mokona's welcome to do all the yelling that she wants.

Besides. Fai really does look nice.

He's in some pretty, light blue, flowing... _thing_ – Kurogane has absolutely no idea what to call it, but it's gorgeous – with long draping sleeves, and material that looks to be made of some kind of silk. They certainly can't afford it - right now, they can barely afford the rooms that they're staying in - but that apparently hasn't stopped any of them from wanting to wander the city and try things on. Sakura's standing on the other side of the room in a pretty pink dress, with Syaoran's face going an alarming red colour as she stands there and smiles at him, and Fai's beaming as Mokona launches herself off Kurogane's shoulder and into Fai's arms, and Kurogane just barely stops himself from putting a hand over his stomach, where he's feeling a little... fluttery. Funny. Happy.  
  
Goddammit.  
  
He doesn't care. So what if they've all turned him into a sap. He knows very well that he's going to be grateful for that for the rest of his life.  
  
"What do you think, Kuro-pon? Does it suit me?"

There's a teasing lilt to his grin and a sparkle in his eyes, but there still sounds like just the slightest bit of hesitation in his voice, like he _actually means the question,_ and Kurogane clears his throat, because he's pretty sure you're _fucking gorgeous, you idiot,_ isn't something he should say around the kids. Instead, he swallows and crosses his arms over his chest, where his heart is beating fast and painful against his ribs – but before he can come up with some kind of response, Mokona notices Sakura, and she's bounding across the room with a happy yelp. For a second, Fai and Kurogane just watch her go, and the softness in Fai's eyes as he watches her is just about enough to sucker-punch Kurogane; and then Kurogane's taking advantage of their new solitude – since the kids all seem very distracted – to step forward, carefully pressing his palm against Fai's elbow. Fai immediately turns to look at him, mouth opening on an obvious question, and Kurogane clears his throat again.

“You're gorgeous.”

There. He said it. Or, well. A lighter version of his original plan. It sounds a lot more honest than he'd been going for, but who cares, anyway? They've already seen each other at their most desperately vulnerable, after all. Kurogane might still not be used to this kind of vulnerability, but that doesn't mean he has to play any games here.

Fai's just blinking at him, though. Blinking at him as though Kurogane's blindsided him, like that was the last thing he'd expected, and Kurogane doesn't look away, even when he can feel his face heat up. Somehow, he manages to stay where he is, sliding one hand up to carefully rub a thumb over Fai's shoulder, through the delicate material, until Fai swallows and looks down, his cheeks going so pink it looks painful. There's a tiny smile on his lips, though, suddenly, and Kurogane breathes through the rush of affection as he steps closer, a new wave of fondness sweeping through him when Fai laces their fingers together. He doesn't say anything, but he doesn't need to, the silent _thank you_ clear in his eyes as he looks up again and smiles at Kurogane, soft and sweet and honest, and enough to make Kurogane's breathing stutter as he tightens his grip around Fai's hand.

For a moment, then, they just watch each other, with Fai's smile still on his lips and his thumb rubbing a gentle circle against Kurogane's palm, and then Fai twists sideways and leans in close enough to rest his head against Kurogane's shoulder, sighing when Kurogane carefully wraps an arm around him. For a few seconds longer, they stay like that, with Kurogane's heart pounding and Fai's breathing soft against him and the kids laughing on the other side of the store, with Sakura spinning in circles and Syaoran grinning and Mokona giggling as she jumps out of the way of Sakura's dress; and then Fai's fingers tighten around his, too, as he leans in even closer to him.

“If I take a few more closing shifts, we might be able to get her that dress.”

He sounds desperately hopeful, and Kurogane's already nodding, his stupid heart feeling full to bursting. He wants this. All he wants is for the five of them to always stay together like this.

“I'll talk to the forewoman. See if she can get me some more work, too.”

He should be able to, anyway. Fuck knows they're understaffed as is. And when Fai responds by resting his head harder against his own, Kurogane carefully squeezes his fingers, leaving them hanging in beautiful silence for a long moment – nothing but the sound of the kids' voices, from across the store – until Fai turns to kiss his shoulder, and Kurogane closes his eyes as he leans in to it.

Yeah. He's not going anywhere. Whatever it takes to get them all through this, he'll do it.

\- - -

Late that night, Kurogane wakes up because his arms are empty.

The room's mostly dark. They'd all moved into the room that Sakura had been sleeping in, in an attempt to save money. She's on the bed, Syaoran's on the couch – with Mokona curled up on his chest – and Fai and Kurogane had made a nest on the floor, sprawled out on the carpet in a pile of blanket. But Kurogane's alone, suddenly, and he pushes himself up, careful to not make a sound.

The only light is from the moon outside. Fai's left the balcony door open, and he's leaning against the railing, his outline lit up by the moon glow from the other side. Kurogane can't seem to move, for a good long few seconds, before he pulls himself to his feet as quietly as he can, his steps making no noise on the soft carpet. Fai looks almost ethereal, lit up light that, with his dressing gown floating down gently around him in the soft breeze, and Kurogane hesitates at the doorway.

Does Fai want to be alone?

For a long moment, Kurogane just stands there, weighing his options. Then, he takes a step forward, careful to drag his foot across the cold balcony floor, a slight burn of guilt swooping through him when Fai visibly jumps, his eyes wide as he turns to face him. He looks like he hadn't been expecting Kurogane at all - looks like Kurogane's genuinely started him - and Kurogane swallows, his stomach pulling tight.

“I - sorry, I... I wasn't sure if you'd want the company, or –”

Fai's already shaking his head, his shoulders relaxing again and all of the tension visibly easing back out of him as he turns back towards the balcony, leaning against the railing even as he leaves one of his hands unfolding back towards Kurogane. It's an obvious invitation that eases whatever ache was left in Kurogane's gut, washing the guilt away as though it had never been there, and it's easy as anything to step across the balcony. Easy to take Fai's hand, fingers brushing his palm until Kurogane presses up against him and wraps his arms around him, instead, resting his chin on Fai's shoulder, and the gentle sigh that spills out of Fai as he leans back against him sends a new flutter of butterflies up through Kurogane.

“You're always welcome to pull me from my own thoughts, Kuro-pon. You're the last person who'd ever be interrupting.”

His voice nearly gets lost on the gentle breeze, honesty threaded through every words, and Kurogane nods as he presses closer, wrapping himself up around Fai and gently tightening his grip around him. It leaves them standing in silence for a long moment – the city is spectacular, lit up at night, the rows and rows of air traffic finally lessened a bit, and the air around them quieter than it has been all day – and then Fai's hands slide up to settle on Kurogane's arms, gently resting there.

“In this for keeps, huh?” It doesn't sound like a question, really. It sounds more like he needs to confirm something that he already knows. And when Kurogane nods again, his throat pulling tight, Fai just hangs there, for a moment, not saying anything, until he leans back against him, his breath softly sighing out of him. “Okay, Kuro-sama. Okay. Me too.”

His voice is even softer, now, but he still says it, and it sounds like a promise. Sounds like everything that Kurogane's been needing to hear without even realizing he needed it.

And Kurogane closes his eyes and holds on tighter, new resolve burning hot inside his gut.

Whatever happens – whatever they have to go through – he's never going to give up on this man.

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone fancies being [tumblr](http://twisting-vine-x.tumblr.com/) buddies, I'm always happy to make new friends. <3
> 
> (Note: my blog will have spoilers for Tsubasa: World Chronicle; so if you'd like to be friends and avoid those, the tag to blacklist is, 'TWC spoilers'.)


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